Somewhere I Have Never Been
by Kouri Arashi
Summary: Sequel to Live Through... Muraki attempts to exact his revenge and it goes very badly for our poor Shinigami. Especially Hisoka. Eheh.
1. Prologue

Somewhere I Have Never Been 

_Author's Notes: By popular demand, here it is. This is a sequel. PLEASE read the first story, Live Through, posted on FFN and at http://www.fatalistic.net/knkfics/miscfics.html -- I guarantee this will make no sense if you don't. _

Warnings: Yaoi, Hisoka+Tsuzuki, angst, melodrama, angst, maybe some violence, maybe some NCS, maybe some torture, can you tell that I have no idea where I'm going with this?, cliffhangers (lotsa those if I'm lucky), angst, no sex for God's sake, angst, long waits between chapters, and angst. I really have no idea where I'm going with this and I'm WARNING EVERYONE RIGHT NOW that there may never even be a chapter one for this very reason. 

Spoilers: Yeesh. Indeed. For all the TV series. I reiterate that I have never read the manga, and so if this seems untrue to what you know, that's probably why. 

Prologue 

    You know, no one ever tells me what's going on. Honestly, I come in to work and find myself partnerless, and no matter who I ask, no one will tell me where he is. He's my partner, for crying out loud. But either no one knows, or I'm just not good enough for the information. 

    Ha. I'll show them. 

    Tsuzuki is just as lost as I am, so with a few gentle prods he agrees to go ask Tatsumi for me. I'm now sitting at my desk, waiting patiently for Tatsumi to fall victim to Tsuzuki's huge purple eyes, as he always does. 

    Me? Shameless? Not always. But we must be brutal in the search for information. 

    Tsuzuki comes back about ten minutes later, proving that Tatsumi was remarkably stubborn about handing the information out. He also looks unwontedly serious, which really can't bode well. 

    "So where is he?" I ask. 

    "He's on Chijou," Tsuzuki says. "At his old hometown." He pauses slightly. "This is the day that . . . that he was to have been married. Konoe-Kachou gave him the day off." 

    "Ohh." The light dawns and everything becomes clear. This, then, would explain why Akimiya has been unusually snappish and hostile the past few days. If you knew him, this might make a bigger impression -- Akimiya is never hostile. "Why doesn't Kachou-san ever give me a day off to mope?" 

    Tsuzuki's lips twitch in an adorable little smile. "Because you'd never come to work." 

    "Not lately," I say defensively. "I've been angsting a lot less. You know I have." 

    "I know." Tsuzuki is still giving me that smile which means he's humoring me. So I do the adult, mature thing to do: stick my tongue out at him. 

    He leans over and kisses the tip of my nose, which naturally causes me to turn a shade of crimson previously unrecorded by man. 

    "This is ridiculous," I say, mostly to hide my blush. "I'm going to go track him down. If Akimiya actually manages to be depressed, I think the world will end." 

    "Better check with Kachou-san first," Tsuzuki says mildly. Then he smiles and heads for the small office he has, next to Watari's. 

    I get permission from Konoe-Kachou fairly easily. Despite what he'd like to think, when there are no field missions, there's very little for me to do. Oh, I can make myself useful for brief periods of time, sure, but if I've got something better to do, he usually doesn't bother me. 

    He's even kind enough to tell me where I'm likely to find Akimiya. 

    After about half an hour of poking around the small town, I find him sitting on a bench in the town square. I know he's making it so no one can see him. In such a small town, there were probably many people that knew him. If someone saw him, it would likely cause a great uproar. He is dead, after all. 

    "Hey." I plop down on the bench next to him. 

    "Hey," he replies. He doesn't seem surprised that I came, or that I managed to find him. I'd say he doesn't feel surprised, but as always, my empathy fizzed out when I came within about twenty feet of him. 

    "You'd better watch out," I say. "Angst gives you wrinkles." 

    He gives me a sidelong glance. "You would know." 

    "Reigning king and champion," I admit. "I'm defending my position. It's hard enough to keep it from Tsuzuki on a bad day. Don't make me worry about you, too." 

    Akimiya is a good partner. We'll never connect the way that Tsuzuki and I did, but we work well together and like each other well enough. 

    "Hisoka, you're a great guy, now please leave me alone." 

    "I thought maybe I could help," I say quietly. "Believe me, I know what it's like to hurt. Do you want to talk?" 

    "No. Yes. I don't know." Akimiya stares off into the distance. "I was supposed to be married today." 

    "I know." He gives me a look. "Tatsumi knew, and Tsuzuki made puppy dog eyes at him until he told him, then Tsuzuki told me. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be underhanded, but . . . I was worried." 

    He accepts that with a slight nod of thanks. Akimiya knows, almost better than anyone, how hard it is for me to admit to things like being worried. Like caring. 

    "I just . . . came to make sure she was okay," he finally says, after we've sat in silence for a while. 

    I remember Akimiya telling me that he wanted his love to find happiness with another; that her happiness was more important than anything. I didn't understand at the time, not really. I'm still not sure I do. I've been with Tsuzuki, as a real couple, for almost six months now, and I'd be no more willing to give him up than I would be willing to give up my own life. Perhaps less. I could never watch him be with someone else, despite how happy it made him. 

    I don't think that means I love Tsuzuki any more or any less than Akimiya loved his fiancee. What I really think it means is that I'm selfish, and he isn't. 

    "And how is she?" I ask. 

    "She's . . . coping. Like I am." Akimiya closes his eyes. "Being able to watch her . . . knowing that if I wanted to, she could see me, she could touch me . . . it's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Because she can never be with me, and she's happier not knowing that I'm still here." 

    I want to protest, but I know he's right. Shinigami do not age. A mortal in love with a Shinigami would be a disaster waiting to happen. And for her to know that he is still with her, but never with her . . . that wouldn't help her right now. 

    "And . . . him?" I ask timidly. Akimiya told me once that the reason he became a Shinigami was to make sure his murderer never got near his intended. 

    "In jail." Akimiya pauses, then explains. "Apparently they were able to actually figure out what had happened to me. He'll never get near her again." 

    "That's good," I say, trying to sound encouraging. 

    "Hisoka . . ." Akimiya is silent for a long minute. "You know what it's like to hate. And now I suppose I do too. But why . . . why can't I forgive?" 

    I stare at him. "Akimiya. He killed you. That is not something you forgive." 

    "I was taught that you should always forgive," Akimiya says, frowning. "That we could never judge people's true motivations. Perhaps he wasn't right in the head." 

    "Someone once told me," I say slowly, "that by seeking revenge, by not forgiving, that you're only allowing someone to continue to hurt you." 

    Akimiya nods. "It's true." 

    "And yet . . . I don't forgive Muraki. I have no wish to ever forgive Muraki. I still think about him every day. But that's my choice. Not his." 

    "But . . . what Muraki did to you, to Tsuzuki . . . it's far worse than what he did to me." 

    "Is it?" I think about that for a minute. "In the end . . . I don't think it is. Yes, Muraki tortured me and raped me and drew my death out into prolonged agony before he killed me. But . . . becoming a Shinigami was the best thing that ever happened to me. This is where I found true happiness. And believe me, being alive wasn't really doing much for me. My parents kept me locked in their cellar." 

    Akimiya flinches and lets out a slight exclamation. I'd forgotten that he didn't know that. He knows so much about me, just from what he's seen in my dreams, that sometimes I forget he doesn't know everything. 

    "They did," I say. "They were afraid of my empathy. They called me a demon, a monster, and they locked me away where no one would ever see me. They only let me out at night, for fresh air. The three years I was in the hospital, dying, they never came to see me." 

    Akimiya says nothing. 

    "But it's different with you," I say. "You had everything while you were alive. And this man took that all away from you." 

    "I'm not . . . unhappy," Akimiya says slowly. 

    "I know," I reply. "But I'll be the first to tell you that being 'not unhappy' is a far cry from being happy. It's sort of the same way that being friends with the one you love is a far cry from being a couple with the one you love." 

    Akimiya nods slightly. "But nothing's going to change," he says. 

    "That's not true," I reply with a shrug. "You'll change. I'll change. We all change every day. The situation won't change. You'll still be dead and the woman you love will still be alive and there's nothing you can do about that. But with time, you accept it." I don't say what I'm thinking. My own trials have taught me that love, not time, heals all wounds. 

    "I don't want to accept it!" Akimiya yells, startling me, slamming his hand into the bench beside him. There's a long moment of silence, then he repeats himself, softer. "I don't . . . want . . . to accept this." 

    I don't know what to say. I have never been the sensible one between us. My comforting skills are pretty much restricted to Tsuzuki. And there's nothing I can say that will make this better. 

    "I'm sorry," I finally whisper. "But you have to." 

    Akimiya says nothing. He's staring steadfastly at the ground. 

    "Come on. It's getting late." I take Akimiya by the hand and tug him to his feet. He comes with me and follows me as I leave town, with the air of a man who isn't really sure of where he is or what's happening. "I think you shouldn't come here anymore," I say, as we walk away. "I don't think it's good for you." 

    He nods, but I know he isn't listening. 

~~~~ 

_So, feedback? The more I get, the more eager I'll be to write. ^_~_


	2. Chapter One

_Warnings: Um... angsty!Akimiya probably deserves a warning, heh. Thanks for everyone's great support on this, and for some of the great ideas and suggestions I got! I couldn't do it without you guys. ^_^_

Part One 

    There's a phrase, which I think is American in origin, given the pessimists that they are: "Another day, another sixty eight cents." It always struck me as a pretty stupid phrase, since I don't think there's a single job in America where they only earn sixty eight cents a day. Someone, at some point, explained to me that it's to convey the meaninglessness and monotony of life. 

    Great country, America. 

    Anyway, the point I'm trying to make here (there really was one, honestly) is that life (afterlife) can seem pretty monotonous a lot of the time. Especially when there are no jobs. I hate busy work. I really do. Of course, 'may your life be interesting' is a very potent curse. I think I'll stick with boredom. 

    But damn! Akimiya moping? It just isn't right! It's seriously setting my world off kilter. It goes against all laws of God and man! 

    "Oi, kid, got a minute?" Watari calls, sticking his head into the small office I share with Akimiya. I sit around there a lot when there are no jobs to do, so I nearly spring out of my seat when Watari calls. Akimiya's been wandering in and out all day, looking like the proverbial storm cloud with no silver lining. 

    I follow Watari back to his office, walk inside, and fall over. 

    Now, don't laugh. There's a very good reason for this. 

    I knew Watari had been working on something big and important; Tsuzuki kept dropping hints about it. That purple-eyed idiot seems to think that the only way he can get back at me for 'having fun without him', as he puts it, is to hint at what Watari's doing. Actually, I'm quite grateful for this. It meant that when Watari got overly enthusiastic and put his newest version of his sex-changing potion in the office coffee, I knew better than to drink any of it. 

    The potion wasn't a success, but on the whole, it was a very interesting day. 

    Anyway, as I was saying, Watari had been working on something big, and I knew it was something that involved me from what Tsuzuki had been saying. Still, this wasn't what I had expected. Akimiya is standing inside when I get there, and he gives me his usual sunny smile. About then is when I fall over, because I can feel him. 

    "Did it work? Did it?" Watari asks anxiously. 

    "Not sure," I say, accepting Tsuzuki's hand up with a smile. "You'll have to tell me what it was." 

    "It's supposed to reverse the dampening field effect," Watari replies, giving me a you-already-knew-that look. 

    "Then it works," I manage. I'm staring at Akimiya. I know I am. It's just so utterly bizarre to actually be able to feel his presence for once. I had grown accustomed to the fact that I never would. I can still feel Tsuzuki and Watari, too, even though normally I wouldn't be able to anymore. 

    "That's great!" Watari cheers. "This'll make it a lot easier for you to work together on missions!" 

    I look curiously at Akimiya. "And it's okay with you?" I ask. 

    Akimiya shrugs. "Why wouldn't it be?" 

    I've got to do something about this. He's never had to worry about this in his life before, and he has absolutely no shields. His emotions are wearing away at mine with the force of a battering ram. 

    It's strange to think that Akimiya hurts, just like the rest of us do. 

    "Come on, then," I say, and motion for him to follow me. "I need to talk to you for a bit. Thanks, Watari. See you at lunch, Tsuzuki." 

    They both wave. I take Akimiya outside, into one of the quieter areas. "Okay, Akimiya -- I've got to teach you how to shield before you drive me insane." 

    Akimiya looks -- and feels -- rather uncertain. In fact, he feels a little panicked. "Do you mean to say that you can feel everything I'm feeling right now?" 

    "Not precisely," I reply. "I'm blocking you out as best I can, but damn it's hard. You're projecting like . . . I don't know what. I have no good empathy metaphors. Shielding is relatively easy, though." Until someone tries to break down your shields. But he probably won't need to know that. 

    "Okay," Akimiya says, still looking uncertain. In fact, his uncertainty and fear are screaming at me, despite my best efforts to block them out. 

    "Picture a wall around you," I instruct. "Something really solid like brick or stone. Make it very thick, and don't give it any doors." 

    I can tell he's doing it, because the waves of emotion subside immediately. 

    "That's good," I encourage. "Now, believe that there's no way that anything can get through it. Really believe that." 

    And it stops, as suddenly as it had begun. 

    I practically wilt with relief. "That's better," I say. 

    He looks at me. "It worked?" 

    "Like a charm," I reply. "You'll still leak on occasion, and I can still read you if I want to, but nothing like all your inner thoughts screaming at me." 

    "What's it like?" he asks curiously. "Being an empath, around the unshielded." 

    "It's awful," I say flatly. "It's not as bad now, since I know how to shield myself. But when I was a kid . . . half the time I couldn't tell what I was feeling and what other people were feeling. It's why . . ." I hesitate for a moment, but I've always trusted Akimiya before, and this should be no exception. "It's why I grew up hating myself so much. Everyone around me hated me . . . and it just seeped into me and became part of me." 

    "That's awful," Akimiya says. His voice is soft. 

    "Well, it wasn't a picnic," I say dryly. "But it's over now. Don't know why I brought it up." 

    "Because I asked," Akimiya said with a shrug. "Oh, hey -- Watari said he thought we had another assignment coming up. We should probably go check." 

    I nod. For once I'm almost eager for an assignment. I nearly freaked out when I first had to work with Akimiya, without my empathy. It'll be nice to be able to use it again. 

~~~~ 

    "I feel like an idiot." My words fall softly into the near silence of the room. And I do feel like an idiot. I've been feeling like one all day, and I'd prefer to get it out of my system, now, before I leave. The night before a mission is always a little tense between Tsuzuki and I, and I think it always will be, no matter how much time passes. 

    "Why?" Tsuzuki asks. 

    "Because of Akimiya." I'm damn near talking right into Tsuzuki's shirt, lying on the couch with my face resting against his chest. It's one of my favorite cuddle positions. Despite what some people may think of me, I'm very big on cuddling. After sixteen years of being almost totally deprived of any affectionate touch whatsoever, it's nicer than words can say to just spend time wrapped in someone's arms. I know Tsuzuki likes it too; when we do this, his contentment seeps through him and into me. 

    There are few things nicer than being totally content, and knowing the person you're with is also totally content. 

    Tsuzuki's arms tighten around me slightly in a reassuring gesture, then loosen again. "What about him?" 

    "He's just . . . he hurts as much as any of us. And I never realized it. Never even thought about it." I shake my head slightly. "I don't know why it never occurred to me. He's a Shinigami. We all have our reasons for doing this. I knew his reason for doing it, but I never thought it bothered him this much." 

    Tsuzuki shifts a little. "He's so cheerful all the time . . ." he agrees. 

    "But so were you, and I knew from the moment I met you that there was more to that than met the eye," I reply. 

    "You had your empathy for me," he reminds me. 

    "Yeah, and that's part of what bothers me," I say with a shrug. "I depend on it too much to read people, to understand them. I shouldn't have to. But I never . . . I never learned anything like reading facial expressions or body language, because I never needed to until now." 

    Tsuzuki sighs softly. "Well, you have your empathy back now." 

    "I know," I say. "But it's still bothering me. And . . . I wish there was something I could do to help him. This isn't going to go away, or stop hurting. Time will make it hurt less, but . . ." 

    Tsuzuki nods and murmurs agreement. He knows, better than I do myself, what I'm talking about. I can't even imagine what all those years must have been like for him, hating himself, doing a job he hated, with no one to comfort him. Sometimes -- a lot of the time -- I'm surprised he lasted long enough for me to meet him. I know he's getting better now, I can feel it from him. But all those years spent in self-loathing won't be reversed easily. 

    That's what worries me about Akimiya. He won't get better easily, but I don't know how to help him. And . . . he's just so damned sensible and good-hearted . . . I can't stand the idea that he could become me or Tsuzuki. He deserves better than that. 

    "What do you think I should do?" I finally ask. "He's not going to let it go. Just from what I could sense in those few minutes . . . he's damn near obsessed. His need to be with her . . . it's tearing him apart, from the inside out." 

    Tsuzuki shakes his head a little, running his fingers through my hair. "I don't know. I'm not sure there's anything you can do." 

    "There's something else," I say slowly. "And this may be nothing, but . . . when he found out that the potion had worked, and he had no shields . . . he practically panicked when he found out that I could feel everything he was feeling." 

    Tsuzuki's hands pause in their reassuring carress. "You think he's hiding something?" 

    "I'm not sure," I admit. "I mean, he could have just been worried that I'd notice how depressed he is and get on his ass about it . . . but it seems like it's more than that." 

    "So ask him about it," Tsuzuki suggests. "You two will be off on your own for a few days at least." 

    "I will," I say. "But I think I'd better let it wait until after the mission is over. I don't want him any more distracted than he already is for that. I just hope he doesn't get angry with me for meddling." 

    Tsuzuki laughs a little. "He hardly can. He'd be the biggest hypocrite on earth after what he did to the two of us." His voice softens a little. "Not that I'm complaining . . ." 

    "Me neither." I smile into his shirt and attempt to nestle closer, though I think in order to do so, I might have to climb into his clothes. "Ne," I say, stifling a huge yawn, "we should probably get to bed, since I have to leave early tomorrow." 

    "Mm," Tsuzuki agrees, looking for all the world like he's going to fall asleep right where we're lying. As much as I'm comfy like this, I think I'd wake up with a horrid crick in my neck if I actually slept here. So I prod him into standing position and up to the bedroom we share. I moved in shortly after the whole mess with Muraki and the dreams; it seemed silly to own two apartments when we never spent the nights apart anymore. 

    I can still remember when we couldn't sleep in the same bed for fear of the nightmares we both had. For the first few weeks we lived together, it happened pretty regularly that I would get sucked into his nightmares, or worse -- he got sucked into mine. I can keep my head in a crisis pretty well, but Tsuzuki's hopeless at it -- we were both hysterical for a while after that little mess. 

    However, I helped him strengthen his empathic shields some, and we both got some much needed and much appreciated lessons on dream control from Akimiya. We can't do it to the extent that he can, of course, being a yumemi, but he was able to teach us how to recognize when we were dreaming and wake ourselves up. That may be the biggest favor anyone's done for me in years. 

    Once he taught us, we both agreed that we could feel it now; dreams are so different from life that it's hard to believe I ever got stuck with them in the first place. I remember almost all my dreams now, and usually let them run their course, unless they turn bad. Tsuzuki, I think, may always wake himself up. 

    We curl up together under the blankets. "You be careful tomorrow, okay?" Tsuzuki asks sleepily. 

    "I will be," I promise, closing my eyes. Now that I have someone to come home to, I always am. 

~~~~ 

    If there's one thing I really dislike about being a Shinigami (other than risking my immortal life all the time) it's the research. It really would be far too easy to just put us on Chijou with explicit instructions. No, we have to figure everything out ourselves, like it's all one big mystery put there for our annoyance. 

    Still, Akimiya is a very logical man and I've gotten quite a bit of practice, so we make a lot of progress on the first day alone. We decide to call it quits early and get dinner. Hopping back and forth from Chijou is tiring, though you'd never know by the way Tsuzuki takes lunch breaks, so most of the time we just stay here for the night. 

    Akimiya looks very tired, so we opt to just stay in the hotel rather than go out again. Maybe I should bring it up now; I know from experience that people are more likely to talk if they're tired. 

    "Akimiya?" I'm feeling very hesitant. I remind myself firmly that he really can't get mad at me for trying to help, though I know damn well that's a lie. 

    He turns to me with his usual sunny smile, but it looks forced. Am I overreacting? A brief empathic check reveals that I'm not. He's still miserable, damn him. 

    "Hai?" he asks. 

    "Are you all right?" 

    "Of course I am," Akimiya says, with that 'I'm-always-fine' look of his. It's so odd . . . before I could use my empathy near him, I always just assumed that he was fine when he gave me that look. Now I know better. God, I feel stupid. 

    "You don't seem it," I say, and I know I sound even more uncertain. Some self-confidence would be really nice right about now. They should market that and sell it in capsule form. 

    Akimiya blinks at me. "Are my shields not working?" he asks, again sounding a little bit panicked. 

    "No, that's not it," I say patiently. "You just seemed really upset earlier, and . . . I'm worried about you." 

    He looks away. "It isn't anything you can fix, so I wouldn't suggest you waste your time on it." 

    Okay. This is worse than I thought. Akimiya is not allowed to blow me off like that. 

    "You know what, Akimiya? You sound like me." 

    Akimiya gives me a blank look. "What?" 

    "When I was angsting over Tsuzuki. Didn't I tell you at least once that you couldn't fix it and you should stop wasting your time?" 

    He shrugs. "I don't remember. Probably." 

    "And what did you tell me?" I ask. When Akimiya doesn't reply, I plow bravely onward. "You told me that even if the problems couldn't be fixed, talking about them might help." I'm actually not sure that Akimiya ever said any such thing, but it sounds like something he might have said, and in any case, it might get him to talk to me. 

    "I don't think I ever said that," Akimiya replies absently. 

    That's it. I give up on being diplomatic. "God damn it, Akimiya, just talk to me." 

    Akimiya's lips twitch in a thin, but genuine, smile. "I miss her," he finally says. 

    Well, thank you for that stunning revelation. God. No wonder he was always so irritated with me, if I sounded like this. I'm amazed he put up with me as well as he did. "Tell me about her," I request, settling on one of the beds in the room. 

    Akimiya sighs, rubbing his thin hands over his face. "She was kind," he finally said. "That's what I loved the most about her. And she was creative and funy . . . she could sing like an angel. She was thinking about going professional. I was behind her one hundred percent, even though her parents wanted her to do something more . . . academic, I guess. We met in a choir we were both in . . ." 

    His voice trails off. I'm rather stuck on this last part. "You can sing?" 

    He gives me an embarrassed look. "Aa . . . I was nowhere near as good as she was, though . . ." 

    "Well, come on, let me hear it!" 

    "No!" He looks even more embarrassed. It's kind of funny. At least the agony isn't rolling off him in waves any more. 

    "I'll pester you later," I say with a smile. "So when did you fall in love?" 

    "Well, after admiring her for a few months, I finally got the courage to ask her over for tea," he says, blushing slightly. "We had so much in common . . . I asked her to marry me about a year later." His voice falters. "I loved her very much." 

    "I know," I say quietly. 

    "I . . . I knew that Saiki was jealous, but I had no idea he would ever . . ." His voice breaks again. He's started to tremble. I don't know what to do, so I walk over and sit beside him, pulling him into a hug, holding him the way Tsuzuki holds me when I'm upset. "H-He had been friends with Rika-chan since childhood, and adored her, and I knew he didn't like me because she favored me . . . though he had known her so much longer. No one realized . . . how bad his jealousy had gotten . . ." 

    Empathy increases with touch. His pain is leaking through his skin and becoming my own. I can feel his hatred and his misery and -- 

    oh God -- 

    "He didn't -- " 

    Akimiya nods slightly. "After he . . . he and I . . . after I was . . . out of the way . . . he went to her. Tried to force himself onto her. That was how they knew . . . when they found me . . ." 

    He's shaking so much that I can barely hold onto him, but maybe that's because I'm shaking too. 

    "Her sister . . . found them . . . before he'd gotten a chance to . . . do very much, I think . . ." Akimiya murmurs. "I'm not quite clear on exactly what happened; it wasn't as if I could ask. But she managed to scare him away, and they found him that night . . ." 

    God, how long has he been holding all this inside him? 

    "You should've told one of us," I say, trying not to sound reproving, but comforting. I have to reinforce my shields before I'm able to speak at all. 

    "Didn't want to," Akimiya says softly. His eyes are red from holding back his tears. "I was weak . . . I couldn't protect her . . ." 

    I want to know how he was killed, but I don't dare ask; so I lower my shields a fraction and all the images come flooding in anyway. My eyes snap open again. 

    "You weren't weak!" I have to pause to regain my breath. "Akimiya, that wasn't your fault. You couldn't have stopped him." Guns are rather tricky things to avoid. It's why I always carry one. 

    "Should have realized what he was going to do," Akimiya says faintly. There's a slight pause, then he blurts out, "I lied, Hisoka. They didn't put him in jail. He killed himself that night." 

    I can only stare. 

    "He shot himself. With the same gun he used on me. Left a note saying how sorry he was about everything. And ever since then Rika-chan has just been up in her room, not eating, mourning . . . he was such a good friend to her . . . and she lost the both of us in one night." 

    He draws in a shaky breath. 

    "And yet . . . even so . . . I can't stop hating him . . ." 

    He's such a good liar. All these months, hiding all this, making off-handed comments about not really knowing his murderer's motivation. But to know this . . . 

    "You've been watching her." 

    He nods, tears streaming down his cheeks now. "I watch her whenever I can. I can't stop. I tried but I can't. I watch her dreams. I know it's wrong to use my powers like that, but I couldn't stop. She's in so much pain, and I can't help. Hisoka, I just want to help her." 

    I hug him tightly. "It's not . . . wrong to do that, but you're only hurting yourself more. Akimiya, you have to let go." 

    "I can't. I've tried and I can't." 

    There isn't much I can say to that, but there is one thing that may help. "When my parents first locked me in the cellar, I didn't see them for almost two weeks," I say quietly. "And when they finally came back down, do you know what the first thing I did was?" 

    He looks at my blankly for a second, then shakes his head. 

    "I tried to use my powers on them," I say. "I'm not as good at projecting as I am at receiving, but I can do it. I tried to force them to love me." 

    He stares at me. 

    "It was wrong of me to use my empathy like that. I know that now." 

    "What did they . . .?" Akimiya's voice trails off, as if he's afraid to know the answer. 

    "They beat me and left me and didn't come back for another month," I reply. 

    ". . . oh," he finally says. 

    "So by trying to help myself, I only made things worse," I say, hoping my moral comes through in this charming little fairy tale of my life. 

    "You don't understand, I can't stop," Akimiya says desperately. "Even when I don't try, I'm drawn into her dreams anyway. I'm too powerful and we were too close. And once I'm there, I just . . . can't make myself leave." 

    I pause at this. I'm not sure what to say to that; I don't know if there's any way that we can stop this. I know for a fact that misery and loneliness is like a beacon to anyone with even a tiny amount of empathy, and Dreamgazing can be similar in some instances. He's drawn to her dreams because she was so close to him, and because she is so miserable. Perhaps if we could help her . . . but given what she's been through, I'm not sure that's possible. 

    "Akimiya, holding this all inside you is not good," I say firmly. 

    "Thanks for the news flash," Akimiya says wearily. He's still drooping in my arms, his head now resting on my shoulder. 

    "Look, we'll find some way to help, all right?" I ask. "Even if we can't fix it . . . we'll find a way to make it hurt less." 

    "Emotional morphine," Akimiya mutters into my shoulder. 

    I can't help but laugh at that. "Look, get some rest. We've got a long day tomorrow." 

    He nods and stands up, going into the bathroom to change his clothes. He comes out and burrows under the blankets wordlessly. I shut out the light to let him sleep, but don't go to bed for a long time. 

~~~~ 

_Right. I'm the queen of misery. Feedback?_


	3. Chapter Two

Chapter Two 

    It's three long days on Chijou before we manage to figure out what's going on. And when I say long days, I mean it. Normally Akimiya is a good companion, but these days he's brooding and angsting and generally making me want to punch him in the face. Yeah, yeah, pot and kettle and all that. I'm not a hypocrite, precisely. I know damn well that I'm annoying when I angst. I just choose not to care. 

    After those three long days, it's three more long days tracking down the culprit, and another two before we manage to kill it. (Yes, it. Nasty little demon thing.) I have been on Chijou for eight days with no company but an extremely depressed and snappish Akimiya. I don't care that it's nine o'clock at night; I'm going home right now. 

    For one thing, I want to get Akimiya off Chijou. He keeps getting this shifty look in his eyes, and I can tell that he's thinking about popping in on the old homestead. Not on my watch. We're going home if I have to haul him by the platinum blonde roots. 

    Fortunately (for both of us), he doesn't argue. I make sure he gets back to his house safely. Technically, I should go drop off the report at the office, but no one will be there at this hour anyway, so I'll just bring it tomorrow when I go in the morning. 

    The lights are still on when I get home, which is nice. Tsuzuki isn't an early riser by any means, but ten o'clock is still a little late for him to be up and about. The answer becomes apparent when I step inside; Tsuzuki and Tatsumi are having coffee in the kitchen. They've started doing this fairly recently, and I think it's good for both of them. It gives Tsuzuki someone to be close to when I'm not here. And I'm not jealous, honestly. I know Tatsumi would never dream of taking Tsuzuki away from me. 

    "Tadaima," I call as I walk into the kitchen. They're both sitting at the kitchen table. Tsuzuki starts to bounce out of his chair, but I just grin and motion for him to sit down, then plop onto his lap. Tatsumi gives me a friendly smile. 

    "I didn't think you'd be back tonight," Tsuzuki says, wrapping his arms around my waist. "It got so late I just assumed you were spending the night on Chijou again." 

    "I had to get away from Akimiya before I ripped his intestines out with a fork." I lean over and give Tsuzuki a kiss, which complements my words rather oddly. 

    "That bad, was it?" Tsuzuki asks, returning the kiss with enthusiasm. Quite a change from the man who nearly knocked himself over to get away from me the first time he kissed me. He doesn't care in the slightest that Tatsumi is still sitting there, watching us with a rather amused smile. 

    "Worse." I stand up. "You two want more coffee? I'm going to get some tea for myself." 

    "I'd like more," Tsuzuki says. 

    Tatsumi declines, so I head into the kitchen. I can hear them talking in low voices as I make my tea and warm up the coffee. I'm back out with another two mugs in a few minutes. Tsuzuki takes his and pulls me up a chair, which I plop into. 

    "So how'd it go?" he asks. 

    I give them a brief description of what had happened. "Really, I think we could have been back three days ago if Akimiya and I were both working at full brain power," I admit. "But he kept moping and he was driving me to distraction by doing it. His shields aren't the best, and mine can only take so much friction. On the sixth day I told him to stop taking Watari's potion. I just couldn't take it anymore." 

    "Don't worry about it," Tsuzuki says. "I'm amazed you ever managed to put up with me." 

    I roll my eyes at him. "You have walls," I say pointedly. "Hell, it's hard to read your emotions even when I want to, your natural shields are so strong. Akimiya has crap for shields, in comparison. He was a very open, expressive person, and it shows." I glance at Tatsumi, who may as well be a stone wall, speaking of people who have strong natural shields. I'm sort of curious to hear what he thinks of all this. 

    He catches my glance. "Tsuzuki-san has been telling me what he knows about Sakamoto-san," he says. "I don't think I should venture a guess on what to do, though. Not until I have more information." 

    I hesitate at that. Akimiya's story really isn't something I want to spread around. However, I tell Tsuzuki everything, and I know that Tatsumi can be trusted. So I give them both a brief outline of what Akimiya told me. Tsuzuki is shaking by the end of it; Tatsumi is expressionless as usual, but his eyes are troubled. 

    "See, that's the problem," I say with a sigh. "There's nothing we can do about it. He just has to deal. But he's not." 

    Tsuzuki taps at the table thoughtfully. "It's a terrible thing to have to deal with," he says softly. 

    "I know that," I say. "But it's done, it's past. It can't be changed. But I can't just tell him to get over it." 

    "No, I somewhat doubt that would help," Tatsumi agrees. 

    "And I just keep waiting for him to decide he doesn't want to be a shinigami anymore," I say, chewing on my lower lip thoughtfully. "He became one to . . . to protect her, because he knew that his murderer wanted her. Then he got back and found out that he'd killed himself, and there was no need to protect her . . . and he's so unhappy that sooner or later I think he may try to get himself killed." I look up at them. "I want to believe he's stronger than that, but . . . I know how much being separated from the one you love can hurt." 

    Tsuzuki squeezes my hand and says nothing. 

    Tatsumi sighs softly. "It's not an easy situation," he murmurs, "and it's made less easy by the fact that we can't really ask anyone about it. We can't spread Sakamoto-san's personal business around; that wouldn't be fair. And at the same time, we can't just ignore this." 

    "We have to help her." 

    Tatsumi and I both turn to look at Tsuzuki. He's staring into his coffee mug. 

    "What?" I ask. 

    "We have to help her," he says. "Akimiya is upset because she's unhappy. If we could help her move on, find her own happiness . . . it would ease his pain. It wouldn't help his loneliness, but at least it would keep him from being guilty about how unhappy she is." 

    "That's a good point," Tatsumi says thoughtfully. "But none of us are therapists." 

    "Therapy's not what she needs," I reply. "She needs to let go of him." 

    In a second, we all get it. 

    "Damn," Tsuzuki says quietly, startling me. He doesn't swear often. "He's been seeing her . . . in his dreams." 

    I nod slowly. "And she's been seeing him. Perhaps he doesn't even realize that she is . . . but she's clinging to his memory so tightly that if he shows up in her dreams, she'll see him. Whether he wants her to or not." 

    Silence for a few seconds. 

    "Shall we speak to him about it?" Tatsumi asks. 

    "I will," I say wearily. "He'd be angry, and rightfully so, if he knew I had discussed this with anyone. I'll ask him about it. If he's doing it unintentionally, we may be able to fix it without much trouble. But if he's not . . ." 

    "Then he won't stop just because we tell him it's best," Tsuzuki says flatly. 

    "Aa," I say. "And I'm not sure I can even blame him." 

~~~~ 

    Tsuzuki and I stay up late talking, which is probably pretty stupid of us since we both have to be at work early the next morning. But still, every once in a while it's worth sacrificing a good night's sleep to just lie around and talk. We talk a lot about Akimiya; I think Tsuzuki can tell how much this is really bothering me. But we talk about other things too. 

    When morning comes and I'm doing little better than fours hour of sleep, it finally hits me what a long eight days it was. Normally missions (I always want to find a better word than that but never can) only take three or four days; six at most. Eight days of straight work has worn me out. 

    My sum thoughts when the alarm clock goes off are "hey . . . that noise means something . . . but what?" Then Tsuzuki leans down and kisses my forehead and I promptly fall back to sleep. 

    A few minutes later, he shakes me gently. "Hey, wake up and I'll give you a present." 

    I manage to pry my eyes open. "Unnngh," is my brilliant statement for the morning. "It'd better be one damn good present." 

    He smiles down at me; for once he's already up and dressed. "You looked worn out, so I called Kachou and got you the next two days off. He said you deserved a break after the week you had. I called Akimiya and told him too, so neither of you have to come in today or tomorrow. Kachou says I can have tomorrow off, okay?" 

    I brighten. My days off rarely coincide with Tsuzuki's days off, since we work such different schedules. He has a normal five day work week, whereas I sneak in breaks whenever there's nothing better for me to do. I've worked for ten days straight and then not had to come in for four. It's just the nature of the job. 

    "That's good," I say sleepily. "But my report . . ." 

    "I'll take it in and give it to Kachou. You left it on the kitchen table, right?" 

    I nod. "Arigatou." 

    He grins at me. "No need to thank me. I'll see you this evening, so get some sleep." 

    I nod and fall back asleep almost instantly. When I wake up again, it's past noon, yet for some reason I still feel exhausted. I guess I hadn't realized how much of a toll the last eight days had taken on me. Still, I can't lie around in bed all day; I won't be able to sleep tonight and then I'll be a zombie on my day off tomorrow. 

    There's plenty to do around the house. Tsuzuki isn't a slob by any means of the word, but I'm a bit of a neatfreak, and I don't mind cleaning. I need to do laundry, too. Desperately. I don't own many clothes, yet I hate to do laundry, so I'm constantly out of clean things to wear. 

    So I turn it into a busy day. I do laundry. I clean. I chop vegetables to make a stir fry for dinner. Tsuzuki . . . simply cannot cook. I love him dearly, but the one thing I'll never ask is for him to cook for me. Around three o'clock, I decide I should bake something for him. I'm not great in the kitchen, but sweets are such an easy way to make Tsuzuki happy that I've learned how simply for the looks on his face. 

    Not adventurous . . . not wanting to go shopping . . . not much in the house. There's always cake mix, though. Cake it shall be. 

    What with one thing and another, I'm only putting the cake in the oven at four thirty, at the same time that my laundry goes into the dryer. Very productive afternoon on all counts. The cake will be done just about the same time that Tsuzuki gets home, so I can let it cool while we eat dinner and then we can eat it. As for what to do with this half hour . . . I think I'll nap. 

    I flop facedown onto the bed wearing nothing but a pair of old sweatpants. (When I do laundry, I really do laundry. I wash every stitch of clothing I own.) And I fall asleep. Right like that. Which is pretty impressive, because the room is kind of chilly and I don't usually sleep on my stomach. I wake up to a backrub, which is quite possibly the best way on earth to wake up. "Mmmph." 

    "Still tired?" Tsuzuki asks me. 

    "Yeah," I reply, sighing softly into the pillow. "Feels good, though." Tsuzuki, I have found, is a master at backrubs. I don't know where he learned, but he's just got a way of finding every ache and getting rid of it. He uses them to melt me into the ground quite often. I think he finds it funny. 

    He leans down and kisses the back of my neck, then continues with the backrub. "It was quiet today. Nothing new to do." 

    "Good." I think I'm going to fall back to sleep if he keeps this up. Fortunately, duty prevents this. I sit up, which surprises him a little; I don't usually end the backrubs voluntarily. "The cake's almost done," I explain to his puzzled look. 

    His eyes get large and sparkly. "You baked a cake? WAAIII!" And he glomps onto me, knocking me backwards onto the bed. I can't help but laugh. 

    "Yeah, but it's gonna burn if you don't let me up," I say. 

    "Waahh . . ." Tsuzuki gets up, one hundred percent puppy, and bounds off to the kitchen. I take my time following; though he can't cook, he's perfectly capable of taking a cake out of the oven. The laundry is done, too, so I snag a T-shirt and pull it on before walking out to the kitchen. Tsuzuki has put the cake on the counter and is giving the vegetables a speculative look. I think I'll intercept him before he takes it into his head to cook dinner. 

    "It has to cool, you know," I say. 

    "I know," he says with a sigh. He thuds into a chair and watches me cook. "Why were you so worn out, anyway?" he asks. 

    "Not sure," I say. "Think it was probably the effort of holding my shields up against Akimiya all week. I mean, that can be really tiring. And the fight with the demon was no picnic. Isn't Konoe-kachou going to start teaching Akimiya 'jitsu? It would really be a help." 

    "He has been," Tsuzuki says with a shrug. "But Akimiya just doesn't have the innate talent for it like some of us do. He'll learn, but it's going to take him a while." 

    Try as I may, I can't get Tsuzuki to wait for dinner. The second the cake is cool enough to spread frosting on, he's done so, and has happily started eating it. "Save some of that," I say. "I want to give some to Akimiya. Maybe we can have lunch with him tomorrow . . . I don't like to think of him sitting on his own moping for two days straight." 

    "Mm, that's a good idea," Tsuzuki says, his mouth full of chocolate. "Much as I'd like to keep you all to myself . . ." 

    I laugh. It's funny, most couples as possessive as Tsuzuki and I are of each other would guard their time together very carefully. But we don't. I don't know why, really, but we're just as content to sit around with Akimiya or Tatsumi as we are to sit around by ourselves. I think really, in the end, it comes down to the fact that we're so close, we don't need to be alone in order to feel close. 

    "We'll still have the whole afternoon and evening," I say. "That's plenty of time to be alone together." 

    "Yup." Tsuzuki gives a cheerful grin, then carefully picks up the rest of the cake and puts it on the counter, where he won't be tempted to eat it. I'm sure he'll have another piece before bed, but for him, he's showing an enormous amount of restraint. I suppose that only goes to show how worried he really is about Akimiya; he's sacrificing chocolate cake for him. 

    After that we eat dinner (I have to convince Tsuzuki not to eat another piece of cake just because he finished dinner) and flop down onto the couch for a while. Sometimes we can just sit there and read, or watch TV, but Tsuzuki is in a cuddly mood. I think hearing about what happened to Akimiya and Rika really bothered him. Being a Shinigami is not the most safe job in the world, and while I have no intention of leaving him, we've both come to terms with the fact that it may happen. 

    Honestly, I think we'll both be happier when he can be on field duty again and we go back to being partners, helping each other. It's not that we don't trust Akimiya. It's just that if something were to happen to me, I know for a fact that Tsuzuki will spend the rest of his existence wondering if it would have been different if he'd been there. 

    But what's scary is that if one of us should die, I can easily picture what happened to Akimiya happening to us. I could never let go of him. 

    I think it's safe to say that I'm all too happy to cuddle for a while. 

~~~~ 

    Right. Someone explain how I got talked into asking Akimiya about this? Oh, yeah. I volunteered. Next time I volunteer for something, somebody please smack me upside the head and remind me that I don't want to. I mean, Akimiya was perfectly pleasant at lunch yesterday with Tsuzuki . . . but then again, that's probably because he figured Tsuzuki has no idea what's going on. 

    No, not true. He knows that I share almost everything with Tsuzuki. But still, he would do his best to hide it around him. I've come to the conclusion that Akimiya really doesn't want anyone to know how screwed up he is. He's got a bit of a reputation as the sensible and level-headed one around here. 

    Right. Going to talk to Akimiya. We've got about an hour before lunch and we've finished all our morning work. 

    Think I'll let my shields down. That way, if he's lying, I'll know. 

    "Ano . . . Akimiya?" 

    He glances up at me. "Yeah?" 

    "I need to talk to you." 

    "More therapy?" He looks back down at the book he's reading. He's feigning total disinterest, but I can feel him tense up. He most definitely doesn't want to discuss this, and I don't really blame him. 

    I sigh and scoot my chair a few inches towards him. "Akimiya . . . when you see Rika in her dreams . . . does she see you?" 

    There's a sudden wave -- denial, fear, pain, and self-hatred -- that's suddenly damped as he realizes he's projecting. Not gone, but lessened. "What makes you think that?" 

    "I'm an empath, Akimiya. You can't lie to me." 

    Another wave, just as quickly forced down. More fear this time. He knows he's caught, and he's terrified that I'm going to do something to him. "She does," he says reluctantly. "But she's dreaming. She thinks it's all a figment of her imagination." 

    There's a long pause while I ponder this, and decide to appeal to his concern for her above all else. "Akimiya, you're only hurting her more with this. She has to let go of you, and you're keeping her from doing that." 

    I expected -- I'm not sure what I expected. More fear, maybe, or more pain, but not this. Not this sudden, all-encompassing, burning rage. I try to get my shields up before it hits, but they shatter beneath the force of it and I nearly fall out of the chair. "Aki -- " 

    He grabs me by the shirt, pulling me out of the chair and slamming me up against the wall. "Who the hell do you think you are?!" His voice is low, hissing; he obviously doesn't want anyone else to hear us arguing and come to my rescue. "You have no idea what you're talking about! I can't live without her! I can't just stop!" 

    "Akimiya . . ." I can't think. Alternating waves of pain and fury and despair are leaking into me, and I can't tell where he stops and I start. That happens sometimes between Tsuzuki and I, during our nightmares, but this is worse because I'm awake and I just can't scrape my shields back together because he's shattered them far too badly. And why was I stupid enough to let my shields down in the first place I should know better than that sometimes I think I'm really just an idiot 

    he's still talking but I can't really hear what he's saying anymore and he's afraid so I am too I think he's really terrified that I'll make him stop 

    he can't live without her 

    he can't 

    right about then I do the smart thing and pass out. 

~~~~ 

    My head. Is fucking. Killing me. At least, I think it is. The way I feel right now, it could be someone else's head that hurts, and I'm just feeling it. Entirely possible. Happened once when Tsuzuki broke his finger at the office doing something and I felt it. But that's Tsuzuki and I, and I don't think Tsuzuki has a headache. I think it's me with the headache. 

    I have no shields. None, zero, zippo, zilch. I can feel pressing concern from all directions and alternating waves of guilt and fear. I manage to pry my eyes open. Infirmary bed. Right, I passed out. Akimiya, Tsuzuki, and Watari are all leaning over me. That would explain the guilt and fear. Right. I've got to get my shields back up before I go insane, because someone is really hating themselves right about now and I'm sort of hoping it isn't me. But I can't tell. 

    "Are you all right?" Tsuzuki asks. More concern washes over me, which is okay, because it drowns out Akimiya's guilt. 

    I nod weakly. I think I'm hyperventilating. "Tsuzuki . . ." I manage to get him to lean down so I can speak right into his ear. ". . . no shields . . . please . . . get Akimiya away from me . . ." 

    Tsuzuki nods. "He'll be okay," he announces cheerfully to the others. 

    "Hisoka, I'm sorry," Akimiya says desperately. "I didn't mean to hurt you, I just . . ." 

    Tsuzuki sees me flinch away from the outpouring of emotion and pulls Akimiya away firmly. "He'll be fine," he says. "He just needs some peace and quiet to get his shields back in working order. Let's go get some lunch and you can tell me what happened." 

    Tsuzuki can be very authoritative on the rare occasion that he puts his mind to it, and not only does he have seniority, but he's also older than Akimiya. And as for him, he's so shell-shocked that he just allows Tsuzuki to pull him out of the room with another mumbled apology. 

    "What happened?" Watari asked me. 

    "Shields went," I whisper. "Akimiya got mad." I close my eyes. My head is still throbbing, and I think it's safe to say that it's not Watari's fault. "Just . . . give me some peace and quiet to put them back together . . ." 

    Watari nods and immediately backs away. That's one of the things I love about Watari. If you say you know what's wrong, he takes your word on it and takes whatever steps are necessary to fix the problem. He doesn't insist on checking to see if I'm right. 

    Now that I'm alone, I can finally feel what's me and what isn't me, because everything else is more distant. God, was I stupid taking down my shields like that. I just didn't expect him to freak out so badly. 

    No, think about that later. More important things to do right now. 

    Once I know where I stop and everything else begins, it's fairly easy to put my shields back together. They're thin, but there; I'll be all right around everyone except Akimiya. Who is, of course, going to want to see me. 

    Watari comes back in. I think about an hour has gone by. "Feeling better?" he asks. 

    I manage a nod. "Want to go home," I say. My voice is still weak. I feel very wobbly. That might be the first time I've actually blacked out from my empathy . . . then again, it was the first time I was dumb enough to take my shields down for a confrontation. 

    "Yeah, you should," Watari says. "You okay to walk?" 

    I swing my legs over the side of the bed and stand. I'm okay with standing. Seem to be okay with walking too. "Aa," I say. "Tell Tsuzuki where I went, okay? And tell Akimiya that I'm not mad at him." 

    "What happened?" Watari ask. 

    "I was talking to Akimiya and I thought he might be lying, so I let my shields down," I explain. "Then he got mad and it just . . . knocked me flat, basically." 

    "Ah," Watari said. "You'll be okay then. Go on, take off for the day." He winks. "I'll make your excuses for you." 

    I stick out my tongue at him and take the back door out. 

~~~~ 

_Right! I know have an idea of exactly where I'm going with this, and I finished the other 'fic I was working on, so this one will probably be coming a little quicker. Feedback please?_


	4. Chapter Three

_Warnings: ......none, really. More angst. But you should expect that by now. _

To credit, the line about Francis-chan I *totally* stole, and I would have asked permission except there's no email address on the blog (rubyd.blogspot.com) I got it from. So, um, if you read this and you're mad, let me know and I'll take it out. I think it's hilarious. ^_^ 

Chapter Three 

    I think I passed out after I took a few aspirin and flopped into bed. Thank God. My headache has receded by the time I wake up, and there's some noise out in the kitchen. I haul myself out of bed and pad out to the kitchen. I'm pretty sure I crawled into bed without removing shoes or jacket, but now both are gone, which means that Tsuzuki must have taken them off. How cute. 

    He's out in the kitchen, cooking. Oh goody. I fight back the urge to cringe. He looks up as I wander in. "How are you feeling?" he asks. He's reigned in his usual cheerful tone, which is good, because my headache isn't quite gone. 

    "I'm all right," I say, and let him usher me into a chair and bring me a hot mug of tea. "Can't say I'm feeling my best, but I've been worse, too." 

    He pokes at whatever is on the stove, and then sits down. "You were dead to the world when I got home," he says. "I was worried that you might have broken a synapse or something." He's smiling now, the danger over, but I can tell that he was really worried. 

    "Nah, I'm tougher than that." I smile reassuringly at him. "How's Akimiya?" 

    Tsuzuki's smile fades. "He's . . . all right," he says after a minute. "He was really worried that he had hurt you." 

    "I know," I say, and my voice comes out a bit sharper than I really intended it to. "I could feel it pretty well." 

    Tsuzuki sighs slightly. 

    "It was my own fault," I admit. "I wanted to know if he was telling the truth, so I let my shields down. It was a totally idiotic thing to do and I paid the price. I'm not angry with him, it's just . . ." I paused, searching for the right way to phrase it. "He's losing control, Tsuzuki . . . and he's losing it quickly. We can't ignore this any longer." 

    Tsuzuki taps his fingers on the table slowly. "Well, one good thing came of this, at least," he says. "Akimiya was so guilty over what he'd done that he admitted some things to me that I'm not sure we would have gotten out of him otherwise." 

    "Such as the fact that he's been seeing her in his dreams, and talking to her, and touching her, and it just doesn't matter because 'it's only a dream'?" I asked dryly. "You'd think as a yumemi, he'd know better." 

    Yumemi . . . yumemi talk to people in dreams, but that isn't the extent of Akimiya's powers. I know there's more to it than that, and my brain wanders aimlessly towards what Akimiya said the other day. 

    // "Should have realized what he was going to do." // 

    Yumemi dream the future. 

    "What's wrong?" Tsuzuki asks, seeing the look on my face, which would probably be quite amusing under other circumstances. 

    "I know why he's so guilty about it," I say quietly. "I think he saw it coming, but couldn't stop it in time." 

    Tsuzuki's eyes widen, and now his face is the one with the priceless expression. "He can see the future . . . in his dreams . . ." 

    I nod. "He doesn't do it very often. He says it happens once every two or three months if he's lucky, and most of the time his visions don't make enough sense for him to get any concrete information from them. Still, it's come in handy once on a mission we were on . . ." 

    Tsuzuki shudders. "He foresaw his own death?" 

    "Maybe," I say. "I'd have to ask him. But . . . no . . . if what I'm feeling from him is right, it's more than that. I think he may have gotten himself killed." 

    "How?" Tsuzuki asks quietly. 

    "I think . . ." It's all falling into place now, and it feels so right that I've stopped doubting myself. "I think he foresaw what was going to happen between Rika and Saiki . . . when he tried to rape her. And he went to Saiki to stop him from doing that, and that's when . . ." 

    Tsuzuki just stares at me. 

    "God." I feel sick. "Akimiya didn't need to die. I suppose . . . that he may have anyway, but . . . to know that he walked into his own death like that, and still didn't manage to stop what he saw happening . . ." 

    Tsuzuki jumps as the buzzer on the oven goes off, and he hurries over to turn it off. Time and tide stop for no one, I guess. Not even for unnecessary death. 

    "That's why he ended up a Shinigami," I continue, watching Tsuzuki poke at what's cooking. "His name wouldn't have been in the Kiseki, so they would have investigated, and that's when he volunteered." 

    "Why weren't we told?" Tsuzuki wonders, dishing the food onto two plates and carrying it over to the table. Thank God in Heaven, he only cooked a stir fry. Even Tsuzuki can't ruin those. "Kachou must have known." 

    I shrug. "Yeah, but who is he to go spreading Akimiya's business around? We all have our secrets. And really, dying a mysterious death is hardly an unusual thing around here. I was in the unsolved case files when I got here, you know." 

    "True." Tsuzuki sips his tea and shoves the food around on his plate. Neither of us are very hungry anymore. 

    There's a long pause. 

    "What else did Akimiya say?" I finally ask, forcing myself to start eating the food. I never really got lunch, thanks to my fainting spell. Fortunately, once I manage to get the first few bites down, I realize that I really am hungry. 

    Tsuzuki is still just poking at his. "He just kept saying that he didn't want to hurt her . . . but he couldn't seem to let her go. No matter how hard he tries, he can't let her go." Tsuzuki's face is closed, pained. "It hurts him so much . . ." 

    "I don't know what to do," I admit. "When I tried to tell him he needed to stop . . . well, you saw what happened. He was so angry, but he was . . . he was terrified. He knew he was caught, he knew I was going to tell him to stop, and . . . I'm not sure I've ever seen anyone so frightened." 

    My headache is starting to come back just thinking about it. My shields are still weak and shaky, and even being close to Tsuzuki is wearing on them. 

    "Are you okay?" he asks, giving me a close look. 

    "Yeah . . . think I'm gonna go for a walk though . . . being around anyone is hard." I try for a reassuring smile. "It's not you, honestly." 

    "I know." Tsuzuki manages a smile back. 

    I push back from the table, abandoning my half-eaten dinner, and go outside. The sun has set, and it's a little chilly, but I don't really mind. It's always spring on this side of things. The flowers are always in bloom. I'm not quite sure why this is, but it's true. There are a lot of things about being a Shinigami that I just don't question. The fact that we need to eat, and sleep, and are basically human in all other ways except our healing capabilities. The fact that we all had powers in our lives, and those get stronger when we become Shinigami. Anyone can learn 'jitsu, it seems, but some are better at it than others. 

    I've learned that at a certain point it's best to stop questioning, and simply accept. 

    Without anything else to think about (though my mind is blessedly devoid of other people's thoughts and emotions), I drift to the problem at hand. 

    But no matter how many times I go over it and over it, I can't find a solution. He can't let her go, and I don't want to press him because it would be hypocritical. And also dangerous to my health and sanity. 

    The neatest solution (and this is sad indeed) seems to be to kill them both and let them be happy in the afterlife. I don't know, though. I've never been too fond of the idea of being dead, and I doubt Akimiya would appreciate it either. 

    But there must be something we can do. 

    There just has to be. 

~~~~ 

    Akimiya is already in the office when I get there, and my empathy fizzles out when I walk in. It's the best feeling I've had all week, I swear. I raise my eyebrows at him. 

    He manages a wan smile. "Didn't take it this morning," he said. "Thought that after yesterday, you might appreciate that." 

    "Yeah," I reply. "No offense or anything. But my shields are still kind of shaky." 

    Akimiya stares down at his desk. "I-I . . . I'm sorry, Hisoka." 

    "There's no permanent damage, so don't worry about it too much," I say. "I understand why you got angry; I just wasn't prepared for it." 

    "I didn't have the right to get that angry," he says quietly. 

    I shrug. "You can't control everything you feel. Emotions aren't rational. They're not supposed to be. So cut yourself a little slack." 

    Akimiya sighs, his shoulders still tense. I can tell that he's not cutting himself slack. Damnit all. Someday I'll knock sense into him like he knocked it into me. 

    Right, and maybe someday I'll sprout wings and fly. 

    "I just . . . don't know what to do," he finally says. 

    I sigh and sit down. "Akimiya, there's nothing I can say that will help, and I know that. So I'm not going to be stupid enough to offer any advice. But . . . I wish you would talk to me. Because if there's one thing you proved to me with that whole mess with me and Tsuzuki, it's that talking really does help." 

    He says nothing, picking up a pencil and tapping it against the desk. Typical. 

    "Akimiya, I want to help. You saved my life, had you forgotten that? I owe you more than can ever be repaid. I don't like seeing you hurt like this." 

    He sighs and runs a hand through his hair. "Well, it's hardly like it's a new thing, you know." 

    "I know, and believe me, I feel like an idiot for never noticing before. That's one of the downsides about empathy; you live so long able to tell how people are feeling and you never learn how to do things like read body language and facial expression." 

    A tiny smile twitches at his lips. "Just one more way you're socially impaired." 

    "Yeah, thanks." I give him a mock glare. Then, before I lose my nerve, ask quietly, "Did you see it coming?" 

    He jerks and gives me a startled look. He's so spooked that I know I'm right before he answers, and when he does, his voice is trembling. "How do you . . ." 

    "I don't know," I reassure him quickly. "I just guessed, that's all." I lean forward a little. "What did you see, Akimiya?" 

    A shudder runs through his entire body. "I saw . . . what he did to her," he says in a low voice, confirming my suspicions. "I thought I could stop it . . . I went to try to scare him off, but he . . . he just . . ." 

    I'm beginning to feel slightly sick again, like there's something twisting up my stomach. The picture is forming a little too clearly in my mind. Akimiya, distraught over what he saw happening to the woman he loved, went to confront Saiki . . . and ended up getting himself killed. But why would Saiki have had a gun if he hadn't been planning on killing Akimiya anyway? 

    I suddenly get it. "You were going to kill him?" 

    "No!" Akimiya's voice comes out sharply, and then he turns red. But the blush is from shame, not embarrassment. "No, I wasn't going to kill him, I just thought . . . I'm not the most physically intimidating person on earth and I didn't think it would do any good if I confronted him without something to back me up, so I brought a gun." 

    "And he killed you with it." Harsh, but it needs to be said. 

    Akimiya nods, rubbing his eyes. "God, I can't believe what an idiot I was," he says quietly. "But when I saw him doing that to Rika-chan, I just . . . he may not have been able to get that far in real life, but in the dream I had, he did. He was crazy, Hisoka. He would have raped her and then killed her and himself. I traded my life for hers, and I don't regret it." 

    His voice suddenly gets very soft, very tired. "I just wish . . . that there had been some other way." 

    I sit for a long moment in silence, in shock, trying to absorb everything he told me. I can understand that, at least; I would be willing to trade my life for Tsuzuki's and I know he would do the same for me. "Does it help?" I finally asked. "To know you did the right thing?" 

    "In a way." Akimiya breathes in harshly. "But as much of a horrible person as this makes me . . . I wish I had just killed him." 

    I sigh slightly. "It wouldn't have helped," I remind him. "What would Rika have said, knowing that you killed her childhood friend?" 

    Akimiya looks up, his eyes desperate. "She would have understood! If I told her about the dream! She would have . . ." His voice dissolves underneath him and his words trail off. 

    "If there's one thing I've learned," I tell him quietly, "it's that lying to yourself only makes things worse." 

    Akimiya closes his eyes for a long second, and I can tell he's fighting against tears. When he finally opens them again, he looks more composed. "I'll try to stop," he says. "But it won't be easy. I honestly am drawn into her dreams . . . and I don't know how to help that." 

    "I don't either," I say with a slight shrug. "But that's what we've got Watari for." 

~~~~ 

    "Yeah, I think it could be done," Watari says, after pacing around his office for a few minutes. "Not quite sure how I would go about it, but I'll work on it. It'll probably be a few days." 

    "That's okay," I reply. Akimiya is standing next to me. His fists are clenched so tightly that his knuckles are white. I can only imagine how hard it must be for him to do this, to give her up willingly like this. I want to say something, but I know that there's really nothing I can say. I only wish there was something I could distract him with. 

    Tsuzuki walks in, and looks slightly startled to see us here. "Ohayo," he greets us. His voice isn't cheerful as usual. "Staff meeting in ten; something's come up." He gives me a sideways glance. This explains why he doesn't sound cheerful. "No one else is around, so I'm guessing it's you two that are going to be sent out." 

    Much as I'm loathe to leave Tsuzuki after just having been gone for so long, I'm glad to get Akimiya out doing something. He might think about it less while we're out there, and by the time we're back, Watari might have a solution of sorts. 

    The meeting is brief. It's a new case, so there isn't much information yet. I hope it won't take too long. 

    Tatsumi takes me aside as we're getting ready to leave. "I need to speak to you for a minute." 

    I motion for Akimiya to wait a minute and follow Tatsumi into his office. "Yeah?" 

    "There's one more thing you need to know," he says, "and I didn't say it during the meeting because I don't want Tsuzuki to." 

    I look at him blankly. 

    "You're probably not surprised that by this point, we keep tabs as best we can on Muraki at all times," he says, which I suppose is meant to be reassuring. It's not. "He's been seen in this area. We don't believe he's connected with this in any way, but still . . . be on your guard. And if you need anything, I'll be ready to back you up." 

    That, on the other hand, is reassuring. Tatsumi can kick ass with the best of them, and as much as I have faith in Tsuzuki, I'm still not sure how he would react if he were confronted directly with the man. Not even after all this time. 

    So we go armed and ready down to Chijou. I tell Akimiya what Tatsumi told me; no point in hiding it from him. He promises to keep an eye out, and to keep faithfully taking his potion so I'll know if Muraki comes near me. 

    But that makes me think of something. 

    "You know," I say thoughtfully, "I think I may know a temporary fix for your problem, until Watari comes up with something better." 

    "Oh?" He doesn't look terribly enthusiastic, but I suppose I can't really blame him for that. 

    "Well, you said you're drawn to Rika because of residual emotion . . . and that's what I specialize in. If I stretch my shields to cover you, you probably wouldn't be pulled into her dreams." 

    Akimiya gives me a long look. "Isn't that really dangerous for you?" 

    "Not terribly. All it means is that I'm not shielded from you." Which, after yesterday, isn't something I'm looking forward to, but it can be done. I lived for sixteen years without any shields, after all. "And it's not even that big a deal, 'cause I'll only do it at night, while you're asleep. You probably won't experience any emotional outbursts then, so it should be relatively safe." 

    "I still don't like it," he says uneasily. 

    "Well, I'm not leaping for joy either," I say. "But this has to be fixed, and this is all I can come up with for now." 

    Akimiya nods, once, very slowly. Then he looks up at me with something unrecognizable in his eyes. When he tries to talk, his voice cracks. "Please -- I know I shouldn't ask this, but . . . one last time . . . please?" Despair. That's what's in his eyes, and I can feel it even without my empathy. I just look at him for a long minute. 

    I should say no. I know I should. 

    And yet . . . 

    I can't deny him this. He loves her, and she loves him, and they at least deserve a chance to say goodbye. 

    I have to swallow hard before I can speak. "Yeah, okay." It comes out as a whisper. "Just tonight." 

    "Thanks." He rubs his eyes. "Now come on. We have work to do." 

~~~~ 

    Akimiya and I both work ourselves to the bone that day, trying to absorb ourselves and wear ourselves out so when we finally get to sleep, we won't have trouble. It works for him; he drops off within twenty minutes. I have my shields up, but I can still tell. It's a quietness that sort of takes over the room. 

    I can't sleep. 

    I have a sudden absurd wish that telephone lines could stretch into the afterlife. I would give a lot to hear Tsuzuki's voice right now. If I tried hard enough, I might be able to touch him with my empathy; only briefly, but long enough to get reassurance that he's still there, still loves me. But I can't, because it might alert Muraki to our presence, and that's just about the last thing on earth that I want right now. 

    I lie on my side and watch the clock. It's the kind with huge, glowing red letters. I watch them tick by, one after another after another. I've had this kind of night before. I know going in that I won't get any sleep. Damnitall, it's not a good time for this. I'm going to need to be rested tomorrow. 

    Akimiya is dreaming. I can't say precisely how I know, but I do. The quietness is gone. Not replaced by the kind of noise that occurs when someone is awake, but not as defeaning in its silence. Sort of like the gentle hum of machines, or of an air conditioner. 

    I strengthen my shields. They say silence can drive people crazy, you know. I guess I can see how. Silence lends itself to thought, and thought is the leading cause of insanity, in my opinion. 

    The numbers continue to tick upwards. It was quarter past midnight when Akimiya went to bed. Twelve thirty-three when he fell asleep. Twelve thirty-six when I crawled under the blankets myself. One. One thirty. Two. 

    It's two forty-five. Akimiya is awake. My shields are up so strongly that I can't feel it. It's still quiet inside my head. But I know he's awake. 

    I know because I can hear him crying. 

    I'm not an indecisive person by nature, but now is one of those times that I just lie there, not knowing what to do. There's no comfort I can offer; at least, there's none that will help. If it were Tsuzuki, I would walk over and pull him into a hug and try to rock him back to sleep. But Akimiya isn't Tsuzuki. 

    And maybe this is selfish of me, but I'm scared. For the last six months, Akimiya has been the proverbial emotional rock. He's always been strong and steady and there, and it never even occurred to me that he might be deteriorating right in front of my eyes. I trust him, and in a way I need him. He's my friend, the person I lean on and talk to when I have troubles, the same way that Tsuzuki leans on Tatsumi. 

    I don't want to lose him to this, but I don't know what I can do. 

    We all have our troubles. We're Shinigami; that pretty much guarantees that we all died unnatural deaths of some sort. People don't come back from the grave for an eternity of thankless work for no reason. Even if I don't know everyone's reason -- don't know anyone's reason besides my own and Akimiya's, not even Tsuzuki's -- I know that we all have our reasons. 

    And I'm so scared that all I can do is lie there, listening to him cry. He probably thinks I'm asleep; he wouldn't be letting go otherwise. 

    I force my frozen limbs into action. Sit up. Reach over, turn on the light. It's two fifty-one. Akimiya looks up, startled. He's curled up on the bed, around the pillow. His face was pressed into it until I turned the light own. His eyes are red and swollen and there are tear tracks down his cheeks. 

    "I thought you were asleep," he says, and his voice cracks. 

    "I know." I look at him for a long minute, then get up. Walk over and sit on the edge of the bed. "But you don't have to hide it from me." 

    He simply looks at me. 

    Two fifty-three. The silence is deafening. 

    "I'm sorry." I think I'm going to start crying. "God, I'm so sorry." 

    He folds into my arms and starts to cry again. And I can't help wondering what the hell happened. He was always so calm and so . . . so okay. There's no better word for it. He was the one of us that I never had to worry about doing something weird. I mean, sure, Watari's great, but his potions could theoretically turn into a flesh-eating virus and he'd just name it Francis-chan or something. And Tatsumi's great too but you piss him off and he'll eat you alive. Akimiya is the only one of us who's okay, and it's so scary to see him break down like this that I actually feel nauseous. And I am crying now. Not as hard as he is. All I can do is just hold him. 

    How hard must it have been for him, to say goodbye? 

    Four minutes past three. 

    In a lot of ways, Akimiya is stronger than I could ever hope to be. I know, because I could never do what he just did. 

    There's nothing I can say, so I say nothing. 

    Three seventeen. 

    His sobs finally fade into silent tears, the tears into numbness. I can practically feel him freezing over. But that's all right. That may be what he needs for a while. God knows that I've gone numb before, for less reason than this. 

    "Better?" It's my word for Tsuzuki. And his word for me. The word that doesn't imply being all right, but merely asks whether or not he's more all right than he was a half hour ago. 

    "Better." His voice is hoarse. He reaches up with one hand and wipes his tears away. He's still leaning on my shoulder. "Sorry." 

    "There's nothing to apologize for." God forbid he start thinking that. "I've been a shoulder to cry on before, and God knows I've used Tsuzuki's often enough." 

    He nods, slightly, but says nothing. Three twenty-two. 

    "You should get some sleep." It sounds lame, and I know it, but though sleep isn't a cure by any means, it provides oblivion. I may not recommend escapism, but it certainly can't hurt for a few hours. 

    "You'd better shield me," he says, his voice still scratching in his throat. "I don't trust myself." 

    "It's all right. I don't trust you either." 

    He lets out a small chuckle, and I let him go. This is going to be hard enough; the intensity that transmits with touch is not something I need right now. I let him lie down and even tuck him in. He closes his eyes and lets out a tiny sigh. Cautiously, I stretch my shields out to include him. 

    Before I died, I knew nothing about my empathy and couldn't control it in the slightest, which really made every day living a torture that can't be put into words. It was only after I became a Shinigami that I learned how to control it, and more importantly, how to protect myself from it. As for tricks like this, I only started learning these about a year ago. And my control still comes and goes, depending on what sort of mood I'm in. 

    He's inside them now, which means I'm no longer shielded from him. And God, it hurts like hell, but I can take it. I can deal with this, and I have to. Just for a few nights, I have to. Saying goodbye once must have been hard enough; I can't make him do it twice. 

    Three thirty. 

    His breathing is slow and labored, but it comes a little easier after a while, and the pain fades. He's asleep, thank God. Three forty-seven. 

    I crawl under the blankets and lay facing the clock, watching the unforgiving minutes tick by. 

    It's five thirty-six when I finally fall asleep. 

~~~~ 

_Right, okay, that was massively depressing. Fits my mood pretty well. Feedback please?_


	5. Chapter Four

_This chapter runs a little short, but I just couldn't resist the cliffhanger, heh._

Chapter Four 

    Akimiya shakes me awake at around eight in the morning. He looks . . . well, about the way that I feel. In other words, like hell. Hey, who needs sleep? We're the undead, right? Sleep is for the living. 

    We stare at each other for a long minute. "Nnnghk," I finally manage. I want to suggest that we put it off, sleep in, something. Or maybe just take the day off. But what would be the point? I won't fall back to sleep now that I'm up, and from the look on Akimiya's face, he won't either. We might as well distract ourselves. So I withdraw my shields back to cover only myself -- that's a blessed relief, anyway -- and try to wake up. 

    Work. Another day, another sixty-eight cents. Get it together, Hisoka. Up. Dressed. Breakfast? God, the thought makes me feel sick. 

    "Are you hungry?" Akimiya asks. His voice is still hoarse. 

    "God no. Let's just get to work." I know we should eat, but we'll both survive until lunch, at any rate. 

    He nods slightly. 

    And out into the real world go we. 

~~~~ 

    Demon. Large one. Oh, excellent. You know, if I'd realized that the demon was this large and nasty, I would have called for reinforcement before going in to battle it. I could sure use Tatsumi's help right now. Wonder if he'll realize that I'm in trouble? Nah, probably not. Though you never know. He's observant. 

    Really, though, I wish someone would come rescue me. I'm not really the type of person that wants to be rescued, but I'm in over my head and I'll admit it. It's been one of those weeks. I've barely slept all week as it is; shielding Akimiya is not really conducive to rest. 

    Oh dear. The demon breathes fire. 

    Right, so, where was I? Yeah, shielding Akimiya. He's off to one side, doing the best he can with the little onymoujitsu skills he has. Which means that he's basically accomplishing nothing and I'm fighting a bigass demon that I have no clue how to kill. Yay for me! It's really my day. 

    Survival skill number one: sarcasm. 

    Survival skill number two: my good looks and charm. See? There's that sarcasm. Know how to use what you've got. 

    Oh, it shoots flame and ice. I am so screwed. Tatsumi, where are you . . .? 

    Ah, someone's here. Think it might be Tsuzuki, because I don't see any shadows attacking. Just some very large presence behind me and -- oh, the demon's dead. How nice. I turn around prepared to throw myself into Tsuzuki's arms and start worshipping the ground he walks on. 

    It sure as hell isn't Tsuzuki. 

    "Muraki." 

    He smiles at me. My God I really hate it when he does that. He has the creepiest smile in the entire world. "How nice to see you again." 

    Right. Swallow hard, try to keep the world in focus. Damn it, someday I won't be afraid of him. Someday . . . honestly. I'm pathetic. Force back the urge to spit in his face. "You just . . . saved my life. Why?" 

    "Well, it's no fun if I let something else kill you, is it?" Muraki asks, obviously amused. "That's a privilege solely restricted to myself." He gives Akimiya an appraising glance. The last time he saw Akimiya, his magic was blocked. But Akimiya is taking that potion now, so it stands to reason that Muraki's powers would be just as active as my own. "It's Akimiya, isn't it?" 

    Akimiya just gives him a suspicious look, and doesn't answer except for a slight nod. 

    "Pleased to meet you." Muraki looks pleased, all right. It's making me singularly nervous. I know that he hates Akimiya; it's because of him that his last little plan to get me killed failed. I don't even want to know what he's thinking right now. "Well, it seems I've done your job for you, boy. Jaa ne." 

    And with that, he walks out of the room. I'm shaking all over. Every time I don't see Muraki for a while, I forget the effect that he has on me. Akimiya walks over and puts a hand on my shoulder. "You okay?" 

    I nod slightly. "Yeah. Let's get back though. I'm totally weirded out by what just happened and I don't want to think about it." 

    Akimiya looks around. "Well, we seem to be done here, thanks to him." 

    "Yeah," I agree. I hate it. I really am not pleased with the idea of being in Muraki's debt. 

    We trek back to Chijou. It's midday on a Saturday, so not everyone is there, but Tatsumi is, and he takes our report. Tsuzuki isn't; he works Monday through Friday, but Watari is. Tatsumi takes our whole report without changing expressions once until the end, when I tell him about Muraki's unexpected rescue. 

    "I don't like that at all," he murmurs, but lets me finish the story. 

    "Yeah, no kidding," I reply. "Trust me, no one likes it less than I do." 

    He sighs slightly. "Well, Kachou will want to hear your report tomorrow, but until then you're free to go." 

    "All right," Akimiya says. "Will we both need to come in, or just one of us?" 

    "Just one of you is fine," Tatsumi said. "You can decide between yourselves. I doubt it really matters." 

    We nod and leave the room. "Let's drop by the lab and see if Watari's come up with anything, okay?" I ask him. 

    He nods and follows me down the hall. 

    "Oh, hey, guys," Watari says, looking up. "When did you get back?" 

    "Just a little while ago," Akimiya says. 

    "Got any news for us?" I ask. 

    "Well, I think I'm onto something," Watari said. "I'm not quite sure if it'll work . . . you'll have to give me another day, at least. I should have it done by tomorrow." 

    "That's great," I say. "I can manage for one more night." Watari looks confused, so I take the opportunity to explain to him what I've been doing for Akimiya already. He looks pretty interested in that, and I can tell that I'm going to turn into one of his science projects if I don't get out quickly. 

    Akimiya sees the look on my face and smiles slightly. "I'll come by tomorrow, okay, Watari?" 

    Watari nods, bids us farewell, and turns back to what he was doing. 

    "I'll talk to Kachou tomorrow," Akimiya says as he walk out. "I'll have to come in to see Watari anyway, and since Tsuzuki has tomorrow off you shouldn't have to come in." 

    "Thanks," I say. 

    "Will you still be able to shield me tonight?" he asks. 

    "Yeah. I'll be fine." I lift my hand in farewell as we walk out the front gates and go our separate ways. "See you later." 

~~~~ 

    Tsuzuki listens to my story about Muraki silently, with a very troubled expression. He doesn't like this new game that Muraki is playing any more than I do, and I don't blame him. He's up to something; when isn't he? But unfortunately, whatever this game is, I don't know the rules. He's tried to get me killed before, why not let it happen this time? 

    I give up. I'm home, with Tsuzuki, where Muraki can't hurt me. And I don't want to think about it any more today. 

    "So I'm free tomorrow," I tell him. "Akimiya is going to go give our report to Kachou and hopefully get something from Watari so I don't have to shield him whenever he's sleeping." 

    "You can do that from a distance?" Tsuzuki asks curiously. 

    "Yeah . . . it's harder, but I can still do it." 

    "Okay." There's a brief pause while Tsuzuki considers everything that I've told him. "Well, come on! We've got the rest of the day. Let's do something fun!" 

    Traditionally, Tsuzuki has a pretty strange idea of fun, but I let him drag me out for the day anyway. It's good to just spend some time relaxing in his company, even if we are moving a mile a minute. 

    I've learned that sometimes when you really care for someone, you have to take time out every once in a while to just be with them or watch them and remind yourself of all the reasons you love them. Love gets old and stale if you don't. I don't think it ever goes away, not entirely, but if you don't try to keep it alive, love can turn into apathy very quickly. 

    Yeah, so maybe I'm just a cynic. 

    Okay, scratch that maybe. 

    I have all of eternity to spend with Tsuzuki, unless one of us gets killed in the line of duty. There's no limit on how long you can be a Shinigami, and even if we choose to stop doing that, we both know there's an afterlife. And we both intend to be together for the duration. I'm sure there will probably be times when we just want to get away from each other for a while -- after all, eternity is a long time. 

    But for now, our relationship is still nice and new and neither of us are going to get tired of it for a long time. 

    Yeesh. I sound like a commercial. "Shiny and new!" I definitely haven't been getting enough sleep lately. 

    We go out to dinner and watch some movies and the next thing I know Tsuzuki is carrying me into the bedroom. "Wha . . .?" 

    "You fell asleep on the couch," he tells me, plopping me down on the bed and pulling my socks off. Then he pauses. "Are you awake enough to change?" 

    "Yeah . . ." I sit up, rubbing my eyes. "Gotta put my shields around Akimiya anyway . . ." There's a brief pause while I do so, then I change into my pajamas. "What time is it?" 

    "Only about nine. I won't be in for a while yet." 

    "Okay." I'll admit that I prefer to fall asleep in his arms whenever it's possible, but it's far too early for him to be going to bed. I'll manage. I did for years, after all. And I'm so exhausted that I fall asleep fairly quickly, despite the fact that I'm still expending the energy of keeping my shields stretched. 

~~~~ 

    I'm dreaming again, but it's such a strange dream. It doesn't feel like the ones I usually have. But . . . there's something wrong . . . I'm in a room with someone I don't recognize. A girl. She's pretty; long dark hair, wide brown eyes. Not a knock-out, not beautiful, but pretty. I don't know her. There's a man facing her, and she's frightened. I can't see him. He's bigger than her, though. I can feel . . . malice. And underneath it a twisted sense of pleasure. 

    And I understand. Makes sense, really. I used to get pulled into Tsuzuki's dreams when we'd sleep together, and now I've been pulled into Akimiya's, because he's inside my shields. And his dreams are so strong . . . he probably projects them with force, too, because he's a yumemi. 

    But I don't want to see this. 

    I know what's going to happen, from what Akimiya told me, and I've experienced enough of that sort of thing, both in my dreams and in real life, that I just can't watch. I wish there was some way I could wake Akimiya up . . . but I can't. So I choose instead to wake myself up, pull myself out of the dream. 

    Tsuzuki is watching me when I open my eyes. "You okay?" he asks. "You were mumbling in your sleep." 

    "Aa . . . I'm okay." I pause, shaking myself out of the dream. There's light coming in from the windows; it's past dawn. I don't usually dream that late in my sleep cycle. I glance at the clock and see that it's quarter past eight. I don't feel as bad about abandoning Akimiya in the dream, then; his alarm clock will wake him up in another fifteen minutes anyway. 

    "What was it about?" he asks. 

    I stare up at the ceiling. It's too early to get up on our day off; I don't even know why Tsuzuki was already awake. I suppose he's in the habit of getting up so early, anyway. "I got pulled into Akimiya's dream . . . he was remembering what happened to Rika." 

    "Oh." Tsuzuki tenses a little, then sighs. "Poor Akimiya." 

    "Yeah." That's all I say. "Are we going to get up? Or go back to sleep?" Personally I don't feel capable of getting any more sleep, but Tsuzuki might still be tired. It really is still pretty early. 

    He smiles a little from his place beside me. I'm still lying on my back, but he's rolled onto his side and has propped himself up with one elbow. He's looking down at me with this expression on his face which really just makes me want to melt. Call me a romantic, but I love it when he looks at me like I'm the most important thing to him. Now pardon me while I swoon . . . but he still hasn't answered my question. 

    "I think I'm happy here," Tsuzuki says, and he reaches over with his free hand to play with my hair. Right. I must be turning the color of a tomato. Look at me, the eighth natural wonder of the world, a tomato with hair! Right . . . had I mentioned lately that Tsuzuki fries my brain when he's like this? 

    "We could stay here all day," I offer with a grin, knowing that we never could, because Tsuzuki will be getting hungry fairly soon. But still, the idea amuses me. It's kind of funny, because from most people, the idea of 'staying in bed all day' immediately raises eyebrows. 

    Well, Tsuzuki apparently has the same idea that they do, because he leans down to kiss me. Brain . . . off. Nothing is real in these moments except the feeling of his lips against mine, the gentle pressure of his fingers through my hair. If I ever forgot how much I loved him, I would only need one kiss to remind me. 

    We haven't slept together, not yet. It's too soon . . . for both of us. But sometimes I think when we get around to it, we're going to be the envy of everyone else on earth, because it's going to take hours. Why do I think that? Well, because Tsuzuki and I can kiss for about forty-five minutes straight without doing anything else. For some reason, when we're together, there never feels like there's any rush. No reason to hurry through the early stages just for the conclusion, because we know we're not going to get to the conclusion. Not today, anyway. 

    It's been six months. Six and a half? Almost seven, at this point. We move slow, because we have all the time in the world. We didn't know what we were doing at first, but that was okay. Tsuzuki's gentle by nature, and I can manage to be gentle around him. It's kind of funny, in retrospect, because we always had to ask permission before doing anything. Even the smallest touch could scare both of us. 

    But part of what works best about this, is that when we're in such close physical contact, we can feel everything the other is feeling. I know if I'm making him uncomfortable or moving too fast, and he knows the same about me. And we know what the other person likes, too. I don't even have to let my shields down for it to work, though I usually do. It works better that way. 

    I swear, though, when we get around to having sex, Kachou's going to have to give us both a week off because we'll be grinning too much to get any work done. 

    It's funny, though, the way I can spend hours just kissing him and not feel frustrated afterwards. I don't know why that is. I've been scared by things we've done a few times, and I know that he has too. But we get over it and move on. 

    Today, apparently, he's in control. That changes; the honor basically goes to whoever initiates the action in the first place. I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss back with all the enthusiasm of a repressed teenager just coming home after a long week. 

    I don't know quite how long we stay like that, just kissing, with my arms around his neck. He finally shifts a little so he's fully above me. There are really no words for how much I love this. 

    _//blood//_

    The thought that we have all day to do whatever we want, all day to just stay with him like this, is the best feeling in the world. And I know he feels it too, because I'm still so strongly linked to him. 

    _//someone screaming//_

    But . . . something's wrong . . . 

    _//no let me go don't hurt me please don't hurt me i can give you money if that's what you want please don't hurt me i'm scared i don't want this//_

    "Oh God -- " 

    _//AKIMIYA PLEASE DON'T LET HIM HURT ME//_

    And abruptly, it stops. 

    "What was that?" Tsuzuki asked, and I flinch. I forgot that since he was linked to me, he must have felt that too. I'm breathing hard and I've broken out in a cold sweat. Whatever that was, it wasn't pretty. 

    "Another of Akimiya's dreams?" I manage hoarsely. 

    Tsuzuki glances over at the clock. "If it was, he's late for work," he says. "It's five minutes past nine o'clock. He can't still be asleep." 

    "That's true . . ." I manage. Akimiya's never been late to work before. I reach over and scoop up the phone on the night table, dialing his number. It rings for what seems like an eternity before I give up. 

    "If he wasn't dreaming," Tsuzuki says with a frown, "then could it have been real?" 

    "No," I say. "No, it felt like the dream did, it was . . . it was like Rika . . ." 

    "Maybe we should -- " Tsuzuki begins, but before he can finish, the phone rings. He snatches it up before I can have the chance. "Moshi moshi?" Pause. "Ah, Tatsumi . . ." 

    This definitely cannot be good. 

    "Aa . . . no . . . well, a few minutes ago Hisoka had a really weird feeling . . . aa . . . okay. We'll be right down." 

    My stomach has grown all cold and I can feel my hands shaking. I look at Tsuzuki anxiously. His eyes are very wide. "Akimiya never came in," he reports. "They don't know where he is." 

    I don't want to waste time going in to the office. "Call back," I say in a thin voice. "I can find him. I think I know where he's gone anyway." 

    Tsuzuki gives me a look, then picks up the phone and dials. "Aa . . . Tsuzuki desu. Hisoka says he can find Akimiya . . . aa . . . okay. Yeah." 

    He hangs up again. I'm already dressed and halfway out the door. He grabs me by the arm as I start to leave. "I'm coming with you." 

    "Tsuzuki, you can't -- " 

    "If you're going to save him, you'll need a partner, right?" He offers me a wan smile. "I'm coming whether you like it or not." 

    In truth, I'm glad he offered. I'm starting to get an idea of what we're going to be facing, and I don't like the idea one bit. So in the end I nod. "Aa. Okay. Get dressed." 

    Tsuzuki hastily throws some clothes on and we're out the door a few minutes later. "Where are we going?" he asks. 

    "Chijou." We transport down, into Akimiya's town. As soon as we get there, I know that my hunch was right. Even from this far away, I can feel him, and the screaming pain he's feeling leads me on like a beacon. I launch into an all out run, Tsuzuki barely keeping up with me. I skid to a halt in front of a white two-story and run inside, not even bothering with stealth. 

    I run up the stairs and burst into the bedroom. There's blood . . . blood on the walls and on the floor. The room is dishevelled; the furniture has been knocked around and scattered. There was a fight here . . . not a big one . . . one that seems like it was purposely made to look bigger than it really was. 

    Akimiya is kneeling on the floor in the middle of the room. His eyes are wide with shock and he doesn't seem to realize that we've come in. I hurry over to him. "Akimiya? Can you hear me?" 

    He doesn't answer. He doesn't even twitch. 

    "Hisoka." 

    I look up to see Tsuzuki pointing at the far wall, the one that Akimiya is staring at intently. There are . . . words . . . scrawled across it. Suddenly the world seems to be dimming very fast. My knees are shaking and I sink to the ground next to Akimiya. 

    'Come to me, my dolls.' 

    "Is . . ." My voice is trembling so badly that I can barely speak. "Is that . . . that written i-in . . ." 

    Tsuzuki nods, oddly calm, given the circumstances. "Rika's blood." 

~~~~ 

_I love being evil. Comments, feedback, death threats? All are welcome. ^_^_


	6. Chapter Five

_Oh yeah, go cliffhanger me. But hey, I'm writing quickly! Note, however, that I wrote this chapter under the influence of two hours of sleep. But that's okay because it's basically just 5 pages of Hisoka freaking out anyway._

Chapter Five 

    There's a moment of silence that stretches out into what seems like eternity. I can barely even breathe because the air is so thick. We just all sit there, staring at the wall. My mind starts to kick into gear, trying to figure out the purpose of this. Muraki always has purpose. The only question is, which one of us does he want this time? 

    Right around then is when Akimiya loses it. Not that I blame him, really. I see it coming about a millisecond before it happens and slam up the strongest shields I can, but it doesn't matter. The force of his emotions tears them right down, the way he shattered them last time. Someday I'll figure out exactly why that happens. You know, someday when I'm not clinging to consciousness with every ounce of willpower I have. 

    I think I just fell over, but I didn't feel myself hit the ground. I'm shaking. I'm shaking all over and I can't stop. Someone is screaming and I can't tell if it's Akimiya or if it's me. Or maybe both. Could be both. I look up and the world is tinged red behind my eyes or in front of my eyes, something like that, I'm sure it would sound really clever if I could just find a way to put it but it's sort of like the world is steeped in blood 

    and Akimiya is on the the other side of the room. When he'd get all the way over there? He's trying to leave that's bad he'd better not manage to leave because he'd try to find Muraki and Muraki would just tear him to shreds because I think it's him that Muraki wants I think he's mad that Akimiya ruined his plans last time and he can't just kill me because we discussed that last time and it had something to do with Tsuzuki 

    who is holding onto Akimiya and trying to keep him from leaving and damn I knew Akimiya was strong but he's fighting like a demon 

kind of a funny analogy when you think about it 

    and Tsuzuki has to throw him all the way across the room and he nearly trips over me so I guess I really must be on the ground  
  
  


"LET ME GO!" 

    "You can't." Wow Tsuzuki sounds really reasonable. I suppose that's good but am I still shaking? I wouldn't be surprised if I was but I've lost feeling in my arms and legs don't know what's happening to me but it's really damn scary. "You're walking right into a trap and if you were thinking straight you'd see that" and I think Akimiya just launched himself at Tsuzuki too bad they have to fight because they sorta like each other and Tsuzuki throws him backwards again it's really a good thing that Tsuzuki is so much stronger than Akimiya is  
  
  
  
  


"You don't understand I have to go to her she needs me this is because of me -- "  
    Wow that's kinda funny Akimiya's talking like I'm thinking 

stream of consciousness because you can't quite pull it together enough to be linear 

    I think they're fighting again really all out fighting like fist fighting and I don't want Tsuzuki to get hurt so I try to get up and fall right back over Akimiya is so angry that it hurts me I can't block it out and I don't know why and god he needs to calm down before I lose my mind I mean I understand that he's upset but 

    "Think about what you're doing!" Tsuzuki is yelling. "Think about it! Look at what you're doing to him!"  
  
  
  


I think he means me  
    and Akimiya stops dead. 

    The silence is very loud. I must look totally pathetic to have shut him up like that and now that it's a little quieter I realize that I'm lying on the floor, curled up in a ball. Can't think. Akimiya's rage sort of dissipates and is replaced with despair which is almost as bad. Still hurts. In the sudden silence I can hear someone gasping for breath. Sounds like sobs. Right, that's me. Interesting. I didn't know empathy could knock the wind out of you. 

    "Hisoka . . ." Akimiya's voice trails off. He turns back to Tsuzuki. "You don't understand, I have to go . . ." 

    Desperation. 

    "You can't," Tsuzuki says firmly. "You don't know where to look and you can't fight Muraki even if you did know." 

    Hopelessness. 

    Akimiya doesn't answer. He just starts to walk out. Tsuzuki grabs him around the waist and they start struggling again and I can feel the world fading out for me again it's all in shades of red because red is the color of anger. funny does the world look blue when someone else is sad I've never tried it before 

    Tsuzuki shouts over to me and I think he said something about going home, right, if we both grab onto Akimiya and transport back to the Meifu he'll be forced to transport with us 

    but that means touching him 

and I grab hold of the wall and drag myself to my feet, the waves hit me and I fall back over again but at least manage to tilt myself so I fall onto the others and latch around Akimiya as I do so 

painfearregretdenialragedespair 

            i can't help screaming 

oh 

    God 

and I reach for home Tsuzuki guides us and the next thing I know I'm on the floor again and someone lets out a surprise shout where are we? Where are we? 

    But we're home which means we're safe and 

~~~~ 

    Right. Think I blacked out again. Someone is holding a cold damp cloth against my face. Moving. We're moving. Walking. Someone is carrying me. Tsuzuki. I can feel it, because my shields are gone again. Akimiya is still there, but his presence is a dull pain in the back of my mind. 

    "Wha . . .?" 

    "Can you walk?" Tsuzuki asks. I don't think he means to be harsh, but his voice is tense with carefully contained panic. 

    "A-Aa . . ." He sets me on my feet. I sway and wobble for a second, then start to walk with him. Watari is on my other side. I think Tsuzuki had the good sense to transport us directly to the infirmary. That was awfully nice of him. "Where are we going?" 

    "Staff room," Tsuzuki answers, putting his arm around my shoulders to help me balance. "Tatsumi and Kachou have been informed, and we need to figure out what we're going to do." 

    My mind is practically swirling with questions, but they can wait. I have to try to get control back. Rebuilding my shields is too lengthy a process to bother with now, so I'll just have to cope. Tsuzuki takes me into the staff room and settles me into a chair, giving me a mug of tea. My head hurts so badly that the world is fading in and out in pulses of red. I think I might throw up. 

    Tatsumi and Konoe-Kachou come in a few minutes later. 

    "Sakamoto-san wa?" Tatsumi asks. 

    "Sedated," Tsuzuki answers, his voice thin. "We had to." 

    Ah, that would explain why I can only barely feel him anymore. He's asleep. Probably still in the infirmary. 

    "What happened?" Konoe-Kachou asks. 

    Tsuzuki explains the story of that morning while I sip at my tea and try desperately not to look as ill as I feel. I think I might pass out again and that's not a good thing. 

    Tatsumi gives me a close look when the story is over. "Daijoubu?" 

    I shake my head, which makes little lightning bolts flash in my head. Remind me not to do that again any time in the near future. When I manage to answer, my voice is hoarse. "The strength . . . of Akimiya's emotions . . . tore down my shields again." I have to talk slowly and carefully, in between the throbbing in my temples. "Because . . . he has no natural shields . . . to keep it inside him . . . and he's close to me . . . it all got fixed on me." 

    "So you don't have any shields right now?" Watari asks. 

    "No . . . but . . . I'll be okay. I have to be." Right. Great sentiment. As soon as I'm done wanting to throw up. Good thing I didn't eat breakfast or I think I would have already. 

    "What are we going to do?" Tsuzuki asks, feeling very worried. Very worried and all seeping into my skin 

    "Oh God I'm gonna throw up -- " 

    I run out of the room, because really the last thing I need right now is to throw up in front of everyone. Dart into the bathroom. I've barely eaten but my stomach manages to find something to come up. 

    "You okay?" Tsuzuki asks, walking in behind me. He thoughtfully gave me enough time to finish being sick before he came in. 

    "Aa . . ." I fumble for the handle so I can flush the toilet. "So much blood . . ." No, no, no. I'm not about to start crying. That just isn't acceptable. "Sorry . . ." 

    "It's okay." He still has the cold rag, and hands it to me. I use it to clean off my face, then press it against each of my temples for a few minutes. 

    "Didn't mean to be sick . . ." but the world is fading in and out and it's disorienting and makes me dizzy and the horrible pain in my head doesn't help nor does the fact that I'm practically feeling the emotions of everyone in the Meifu for God's sake but I don't actually manage to say that. 

    "Can you come back to the meeting?" Tsuzuki asks. 

    I nod. Stand. Wobble to one side and fall against the wall of the bathroom. 

    "Come on." Tsuzuki picks me up like I'm just a kid and carries me back into the room, putting me back into my chair. 

    "Sorry," I apologize, now blushing. I really hate making a fool out of myself. There are a few mumbles in response. "What are we going to do?" 

    Tatsumi looks at us. "What do you think Muraki was after this time?" 

    Tsuzuki looks uncertain, so I think I'd better answer. "I think . . . although I wouldn't stake a year's salary on this . . . that his target was mostly Akimiya. I mean, it gets at Tsuzuki and I too, but Akimiya is the one who ruined his last plan, and he's got to want revenge for that." 

    "But how did he know about Rika?" Watari asks. 

    I don't know. I don't, but . . . "When we were on our last mission . . . Muraki was there. He knew we were there. He must have found out . . . somehow . . ." Brain, function. Please. "Akimiya's dreams . . . Muraki can see into people's dreams, he told me that once, and I know Akimiya had at least one dream with her while we were there . . . if Muraki saw it, he could have figured it out." 

    The nausea finally fades and I'm left exhausted. I droop back into my chair, feeling like I haven't slept for a week. "That dream he had this morning that I got sucked into . . . I thought it was a dream about Rika and Saiki, but it wasn't. It was Muraki. Akimiya saw what was going to happen in that dream, so he went down to stop it . . . but I think he was too late. Either that or Muraki kicked his ass . . . either is possible." 

    "He didn't look hurt," Tsuzuki remarked. "Why didn't you see that it was Muraki in the dream, though?" 

    "He had his back to me the whole time," I say. "And I was only in the dream for about fifteen seconds before I forced myself to wake up. I remember thinking that . . . that the feel of it was similar . . . that malice and . . . and twisted pleasure . . . but it didn't tip me off. He must not have realized at first either, or he would have made it in time. It didn't happen until about five minutes after nine, remember? That's what I felt." 

    Silence. 

    "Do you think Rika is still alive?" Konoe-Kachou asks me. 

    I smile, but it's the kind of smile that hurts to look at. "Oh yes. Knowing Muraki, she's quite alive. No use in dead bait, especially when the person you're trying to catch will know if they die." 

    "Any idea where they are?" 

    I shake my head. "There are a few places he might go if he was trying to catch me or Tsuzuki, but I don't know how Akimiya's mind works. I can't even begin to guess where Muraki might take her." 

    "There must be something we can do." Tsuzuki is upset. I can feel it. 

    Another minute of silence, then 

_//painbloodfear// _

    //determination// 

~~~~ 

    Someone is lightly slapping my face. Man, that's annoying. I force my eyes to open. My shields are still gone. "What happened?" I sound worse than ever. 

    "We don't know." Tsuzuki's eyes are wide and a little panicked. "We were talking, then you just slid right out of your chair and passed out. We've been trying to wake you up for a full minute." 

    "Akimiya . . ." I could feel him so strongly for a minute. He must have woken up. He must have -- 

    But I don't feel him anymore. 

    "Oh my God -- " 

    Somehow, and hell if I know how, I manage to stagger to my feet and take off at a dead run. I can feel everyone else's puzzlement, but I don't want to take the time to explain. I stumble down the hallway as quick as I can and burst into the infirmary with everyone else on my heels. 

    It's empty. 

    There's a moment of dumbfounded silence, after which I clearly hear Watari mutter, "That sedative shouldn't have worn off for another hour or so . . ." 

    World's fading in and out again. The headache has returned. Oh, look, a trash can. Think I'll throw up again. But there's nothing to throw up this time, so I just gag helplessly. Great. Tsuzuki rubs my back reassuringly. 

    "Obviously he had an idea of where to go," Tatsumi said in a low voice. 

    "We have to go look for him -- " I get to my feet and immediately sag into Tsuzuki's arms. My legs are weak and shaking. In retrospect, maybe it's a good thing my parents kept me in the cellar. If I'd actually had to have been around people when I had no shields, I don't think I would've lived as long as I did. Of course, it's not every day that my shields get trodden into dirt, then I'm subjected to a hysterical Akimiya for both long and brief amounts of time. 

    "Yes, we do," Tsuzuki says, picking me up and putting me on one of the beds. "But we is not you. You need to stay here and rest." 

    I try to sit up, to protest, and the world fades and I drop back. I can't argue, much as I'd like to. I'd only be a liability, and if I come near Akimiya again I'll just pass out. "How will you find him?" I ask. 

    "It's Muraki," Tsuzuki says dryly. "Which means it's a game. There's got to be some clue that he left." 

    I snag the bottom of his shirt. "Don't . . . don't go alone." 

    "I'll go with him," Tatsumi says reassuringly. "We'll be back as soon as we find something." 

    Tsuzuki pulls a blanket up over me, and leans down to say goodbye, but I pass out before I hear it. 

~~~~ 

    I can hear voices above me, but they aren't very clear. They're muffled, like they're coming through several feet of water. My head aches, but it's a dull ache that's subsided to the base of my neck. 

    "You think I should wake him?" That's Tsuzuki. 

    "No, let him sleep." Watari. "Kid's had a rough day." 

    Right, pry the eyes open. The two of them are standing a few feet away. Tsuzuki starts when I open my eyes. "Oh, you're already awake," he says. 

    "Aa." I manage to sit. Go me! "Find anything?" 

    Tsuzuki shook his head. "He didn't leave a single clue. We looked all over the surrounding area for any sign of Akimiya or Muraki, but didn't find a thing." He looks upset, and I don't blame him. "Come on, let's go home. There's nothing else we can do today." 

    I want to protest, but he's right. If I sleep, I can build my strength up and fix my shields, and then I'll be able to help them look for Akimiya tomorrow. For a minute I think Tsuzuki's going to have to carry me all the way home. I feel like I'm in recovery from some illness or something; my legs are really shaky. But I manage to walk, though I have to lean on him for support. 

    Tsuzuki puts me to bed as soon as we get home and brings me some soup. I think he used one of my recipes because it's pretty good, all things considered. It takes a lot of effort to eat it, and I end up falling asleep soon afterwards. 

~~~~ 

    I've been dreaming a lot lately. Far more than I usually dream. Probably has something to do with the abnormally high rate of weird things happening. And what the hell kind of dream is this, anyway? I'm just standing in a room with a girl in a bed. Yay for me. She does look slightly familiar, though . . . 

    The door of the room opens and I dodge into a shadowed corner, though I'm not sure if whoever's coming in would see me. 

    It's Akimiya. He walks over to the bed and sits down on the side of it, giving the girl, whom I'm assuming must be Rika, a gentle shake. "Wake up, love." 

    Her eyes open and for a second I see sheer terror in them. In the dim light from the window I can see that her face is bruised, but other than that she appears undamaged. Odd. Where did all the blood come from? 

    I suppose the physical damage probably doesn't carry over into the dream. Why am I here? I didn't extend my shields around Akimiya (because I still don't have them), so I don't know why I would be pulled into his dreams again. 

    Then I remember something from my very early Shinigami days. My very first assignment, in fact. Tsuzuki was able to use my body for his powers because I used my empathy to synch with him. I guess Akimiya and I were so strongly connected for those few minutes that I must have seeped up some of his powers temporarily. 

    I hope I don't start dreaming the future. 

    The terror in Rika's eyes fades and she sits up, throwing her arms around his shoulders. I feel like I shouldn't be watching this, but I have to know what Akimiya's plan is. 

    "I was so afraid you wouldn't come . . ." 

    "Shh. You're dreaming, Rika-chan. I'm not really here." 

    She pulls away abruptly and there's despair in her eyes. "Then -- " 

    "Yeah, you're still there, but I'm going to get you out as quickly as I can, okay?" Akimiya's voice is so gentle. I've never heard it like this before. "You just need to tell me where you are." 

    Now I realize why he left the Meifu. It wasn't that he knew where to go, it was simply that he knew if he didn't get away from us, we'd never let him go gallivanting off on his own. With good reason, I might add, though I doubt he'd see it our way. 

    Rika frowns for a minute. "No . . . I don't think I should tell you." 

    "What?" Akimiya's voice cracks. "What do you mean, you shouldn't tell me?" 

    "It's because of something he said," Rika replies, and her nose crinkles in disgust. "You'd think . . . given that he was kidnapping me, that he would have blindfolded me or knocked me out or something, but he didn't. He let me see exactly where we were going. So I asked him, and he . . . he said he wanted you to come. So I don't think I'll tell you." 

    Akimiya's got one smart girl there, I'll give him that. 

    It's really too bad that she's right. 

    "But . . ." Akimiya pulls her into another hug, and I think he's started to cry. "But he'll hurt you, I can't let him, I need to find you . . ." 

    "Can you fight him, 'Miya-chan?" she asks quietly. "Be honest with me. Can you?" 

    "I-I . . ." His voice trails off. "All right, no." 

    "Then why would I tell you were we are so you can come get yourself killed?" She pauses. "Again." 

    "I'll bring the others!" he says, his voice urgent. Ah, that's a little bit more like it. "Hisoka and Tsuzuki can fight him . . . they've done it before. Please, you have to tell me!" 

    She gives him a look. "I love you, 'Miya-chan. You know I do. But I don't believe you for one damned second, because you never want to put anyone in danger besides yourself. It got you killed once, and I won't let it happen again." 

    Damn. If possible, I'd say she's even more sensible than he is. 

    "Besides . . . if he kills me . . ." Her voice trails off. "Then we can be together again." 

    Okay, scratch that. She's not sensible at all. 

    I think they could argue about this for years, but before they can continue, the door opens again and Muraki himself walks in. Akimiya stands up immediately and faces him. Muraki doesn't make any threatening moves; he'd have to be an idiot to start a fight here. They're in a dream, so this is Akimiya's territory. Muraki never likes to start fights he can't win. 

    "Shinjuku," he says, his voice smooth. "We're in one of the highrises. You can find us from that, can't you?" 

    Rika lets out a stifled little shriek. 

    Muraki smiles at her. "You weren't going to tell him, my pretty little doll. So I took it upon myself. I'll see you tomorrow, Sakamoto-san?" 

    Akimiya nods slowly. 

    Muraki's smile grows wider. "Good. I'll look forward to it. And now I'll leave you two to have this argument in peace." 

    He looks around the room for a moment and then his eyes rest on the corner in which I'm hiding. 

    And he's no longer smiling. 

~~~~ 

_Um, right. Feedback me. ^^_


	7. Chapter Six

_Another cliffhanger! I'm on a roll! And, uh, I know the middle of this chapter seems kinda pointless... but I was having fun._

Chapter Six 

    "It appears we have company," Muraki says. His smile is back now, but it's feral. The I'm-about-to-hurt-you smile. But I'm never one to unnecessarily skulk in the shadows, so I step forward. And ignore Muraki entirely. 

    "Akimiya, you don't want to do this." 

    Akimiya won't look at me, which is a very, very bad sign. "You can't make my decisions for me, Hisoka." 

    "Akimiya, are you suicidal or just plain stupid?!" Now I'm yelling, but I can't help it. 

    "Listen to him," Rika says. "He's right." 

    Akimiya glares at me. "And let's say that it was Tsuzuki instead. What would you do?" 

    "I'd go," I admit in a grating voice. "But I'd sure as hell bring every able-bodied Shinigami within the entirety of the JuohCho with me! I'm not idiotic enough to tackle this maniac alone!" 

    "But you did," Muraki says calmly. "On our last encounter." 

    I shoot him a venomous glare. "That was different." 

    "How is it different?" Akimiya asks, his voice rising. "You think you can do whatever the hell you want, Hisoka? You would've died last time if I hadn't been there!" 

    "Exactly! It was stupid, and I'll admit it! Which is why you shouldn't go alone! Don't repeat my mistakes!" 

    But I know what he's thinking, and there's nothing I can do to stop him. The idiot is trying to get himself killed. I don't think he's doing it consciously, but he's definitely doing it. He won't answer me. He just turns away from all of us. 

    "I'm going," he finally says in a cold voice. "You can't stop me." 

    "The hell I can't." I glare right back. "I heard where he said they were. The only question is which one of us can get there first." 

    "I'm already on Chijou." 

    "Oh, yeah, and I can even that out in about two seconds. And I'm the empath. I'll find Muraki before you do." 

    We're standing nose to nose now, practically shouting. 

    "You won't beat me." His voice is quiet. "I won't let you." 

    He disappears abruptly. The rest of the room goes with him, including Rika and Muraki. I'm left standing in what seems to be utter blackness; there's not even anything underneath my feet. There's a moment of bewilderment before I try to wake myself up. 

    Nothing happens. 

    I try again. 

    That bastard locked me in! 

    I know Akimiya pretty well at this point, and I think it's safe to say that he'll probably let me go as soon as he's found Rika and Muraki. But not if he's DEAD, God damn it! The worst thing about this is that if I wasn't so damn tired after everything that happened, I'd probably be able to break through it. Though maybe not; dreams are Akimiya's specialty, after all. 

    If he locked me in, it pretty much stands to reason that he locked everyone else out. Which means that I just have to wait until morning. He's not enough of a bastard to make it last so long that I can't wake up at the normal time. He wouldn't want to scare Tsuzuki like that, for one thing. 

    I can't believe I'm trapped here! Damn! I'm going to kick his ass when I get my hands on him! 

    If I get my hands on him. 

~~~~ 

    Alarm. Awake! I'm out of bed and pulling my clothes on before Tsuzuki's even opened his eyes. "What?" he asks sleepily. 

    "I know where Akimiya's going! Get up, quick!" 

    Tsuzuki sits bolt upright. "Huh?" 

    "There's no time to explain! Just get dressed!" 

    Tsuzuki gets out of bed and puts on yesterday's clothes, which he has left in a heap by the foot of the bed, while I grab the phone and call the office. There's hardly anyone there yet, but one of the secretaries takes my message and promises to deliver it to Konoe-Kachou and Tatsumi when they get there. Tsuzuki's dressed by the time I hang up the phone. 

    "Where are we going?" he asks. 

    "Shinjuku Highrises." I take his hand to help guide him, and we're on Chijou within seconds. Oh God, I think we're too late. I can feel Akimiya and he's panicking. I start to tug Tsuzuki along, running near top speed, explaining what happened in gasps as I go. Akimiya must have started looking as soon as he left the dream, because without any empathy, just knowing it was in the highrises would've taken him hours to actually find them. 

    I'm out of breath by the time I reach the correct building, but unfortunately I have to take the stairs. Empathy works on the hot-cold principle; I won't know what floor they're on until I get there. I stop for a minute to catch my breath. I can feel all three presences, so no one's dead yet. 

    "You okay?" Tsuzuki asks. He's gasping for breath himself. 

    "Yeah." I start up the stairs, going as quickly as my sore muscles will allow. Damn bastard would have to be on the seventh floor, wouldn't he? Fortunately, the hallways are straightforward and I'm able to find the correct room within minutes. 

    The door's locked. I rattle the doorknob angrily for a minute before Tsuzuki moves me aside and kicks it open. It's a rare moment that I get to see him be so manly, and I really wish I had more time to enjoy it. Instead, I dart into the room. 

    It looks the same as the one in the dream last night; I guess that makes sense. Rika is huddled in a corner, looking far worse than she did in the dream. Akimiya is kneeling beside her, staring up at Muraki. He doesn't appear to be hurt, but . . . there's something about the look in his eyes that's terrifying. 

    Muraki turns to look at Tsuzuki and I, and he smiles. "Tsuzuki-san," he says, nodding gravely at him. "I believe I'm done here." 

    And he vanishes. Just like that. 

    What the hell? He just . . . left! 

    "What did he do to you?" I ask Akimiya. He must have done something. Muraki doesn't set up plans like this for nothing. There must be something I'm missing. But my empathy seems dull, dim. I realize that Akimiya probably didn't take the potion that morning. I suppose I'm lucky that the last dose lasted long enough for me to find them. And for me to have the little empathy I have now. 

    "He didn't do anything." Akimiya's voice is very quiet. "He didn't even touch me." 

    "Then what did he say?" I snap. "I know how Muraki works. What happened?" 

    "Nothing happened!" Akimiya gathers Rika in his arms. Her face is smeared with blood, but I can't see where she's wounded. "We have to get her to a hospital." 

    "All right," I say. "But don't think you're getting off the hook so easily." 

    He lifts her up and the group of us slowly make our way downstairs. I'm practically agonized with curiosity. I've got to know what happened! What the hell could Muraki have possibly said to him? Muraki wouldn't have left unless he considered the battle won . . . which means that something very bad is afoot. 

    Fortunately, Rika is going to be fine. Muraki must have a knack for making people bleed a lot without actually harming them. God I hate him. 

    Tsuzuki and I wait outside while Akimiya sits with her for a while. We don't want to rush him. 

    "What do you think happened?" Tsuzuki asks as we sit there. 

    "Hell if I know." Okay, so I'm cranky. I think, under the circumstances, that I can be forgiven. "Muraki doesn't just give up on fights like that. Not so easily." 

    "Which means that for whatever reason, he thinks he's already won," Tsuzuki muses. 

    "Akimiya was already there when we transported to Chijou," I tell him. "It couldn't have taken less than about ten minutes for us to find him. And God only knows how long he was there before we got here. There's something very wrong about all this and I don't like it." 

    Tsuzuki thinks about this for a second. "He's not going to tell us." 

    "I know that," I say impatiently. "He's being a stubborn idiot." 

    Tsuzuki sighs. "He'll come around. It just happened. We have to give him time." 

    I don't want to give him time. I want to give him Muraki's head on a silver platter. Something tells me I shouldn't say that in front of Tsuzuki, though. 

    Akimiya walks out before we can discuss it further. 

    "Once we leave, you can't come back," Tsuzuki says quietly, because he knows that I won't. "Have you said goodbye to her?" 

    "Aa." Akimiya's voice is dull. Dead. "I have. It was a week ago, and I won't do it again. She knows." 

    I want to ask if he's all right, but I know that my question would be ignored at best. At worst, I think he'd pick up one of these hard hospital chairs and throw it at my head. "Okay then . . ." My voice trails off into silence. 

    He looks at me. "Until . . . until I've managed to put myself back together, I think it might be best if I didn't take any of that potion . . . I don't want to hurt you again." 

    I have to agree, as much as I don't want to. It might be best for me in the short term, but I also won't get any advanced warning if he's going to freak out again. "All right," I finally say. 

    "How do we know that Muraki won't hurt her again?" Tsuzuki asks tentatively, gesturing to the room Rika is in. 

    Akimiya laughs bitterly. "He won't. He got what he wanted." 

    Tsuzuki and I both look at him questioningly. 

    "Just let it go," he says impatiently. "I don't want to talk about. It's nothing you two need to hear anyway. Now come on." 

    He stalks away without another word, leaving Tsuzuki and I no choice but to follow. 

~~~~ 

    Tatsumi and Konoe-Kachou try to give Akimiya a week off to recover, but he won't even think about it. He says he'd just sit at home and mope and that's not what he needs. He's right, too. It'll be good for him to get out and do things. The only question is: will it be good for me? 

    A spaced-out partner is the worst kind to have. 

    Well, at least one good thing came of this; while we were all so distracted, Watari found a way to separate Akimiya and Rika empathically. It won't affect his actual skills as a yumemi, but he'll no longer feel the draw from her. Without that, I think I trust him to stay away from going to her purposely. 

    Does life settle back to normal? No. Things are tense between Akimiya and I; I'm still pissed about him locking me in the dream like that, and he knows it. He did apologize, but he didn't mean the apology. So it wasn't really worth anything. I don't know why I don't want to bring it up. I just don't. 

    In a way, I know that he's beating himself up enough over the whole deal. But it's driving me crazy that he won't tell me what happened. And in a way, it hurts that he doesn't trust me enough. I mean, we're partners, right? Maybe I make too big a deal out of that because Tsuzuki did. 

    _// "Why . . . would you do something like that? For someone like me?" _

    "Because you're my partner."// 

    We try to carry on as normal. It seems something we're all pretty good at doing, if you think about it. How many problems have we ignored, because it just seemed for the best? How long did Tsuzuki wallow in his own pain because no one could, or wanted, to help him? 

    _// "But . . . I'm just . . ." _

    "You aren't just anything, Hisoka." // 

    Small wonder, really, that I fell in love with Tsuzuki. He was the first person in my life to ever take the time to help me with my problems. The first person to acknowledge the fact that everything was not okay. The first person to reassure me that I was worth anything at all. 

    _// "You don't know anything about me." _

    "That's because you don't tell me. Do you tell anyone?" // 

    And now I love him so much that I could never let him go. Not for anything in the world. Not even for my own life. But would that be selfish of me, to consign Tsuzuki to live without me? I don't know. Love is so complicated, really. 

    Akimiya has closed himself off to me completely, and there's no chance I can help him until he chooses to open up to me again. 

    _// "Maybe I don't want to tell anyone." _

    "And maybe you'll hold it all inside until you explode." // 

    Fortunately, the weeks are busy, so it's hard to sit down and do much serious thinking. Tsuzuki and I occasionally toss around our theories, and sometimes share them with Tatsumi, but the fact remains that whatever happened between Akimiya and Muraki is going to remain a secret until he sees fit to tell us. 

    That pisses me off. 

    "Sakamoto-san, Kurosaki-kun," Tatsumi says, sticking his head into our office. "We've got a new case. Staff meeting in ten." 

    "Watch me leap for joy," I mutter, and go to get some coffee before the meeting. 

    I know there's been some talk at the office of changing around the partnerships again. Tsuzuki is, for all intents and purposes, probably ready to go out on assignment again. And if Akimiya and I keep sniping at each other the way we have been, we may kill each other. But for now, we're stuck with each other, because they wouldn't have anything to do with Akimiya if I teamed up with Tsuzuki again. 

    "It's pretty routine." Watari is explaining the case today. "There's been a series of disappearances in the downtown Tokyo. I know that's probably not too unusual for Tokyo, but their names are all in the Kiseki. The first one who disappeared turned up yesterday, with no memory of anything that had happened to him . . . so that's all the information we have." 

    I roll my eyes. "And you call this routine?" 

    "Routine is different from easy," Watari says, and gives me a friendly whack on the back of the head. "Get going, you two." 

    I give Tsuzuki a hug and promise to be home soon. I know he's been keeping an eye on me during all my assignments now; he's worried because Akimiya's been acting so strange. I don't blame him for worrying. I'm pretty worried myself. 

    "If you need anything, just call for me," he says, holding me tightly. "I'll know." 

    "Okay." After a moment, we let go, and then I'm gone before I can hesitate any more. 

~~~~ 

    All weekend long, Akimiya and I have been interviewing the families of the disappeared people to try to find a common links. That is, he's interviewing them and I'm standing invisible in a corner, because there's just no way to explain a sixteen year old cop to distraught families. 

    All part of the fun and games of being a Shinigami, boys and girls. Don't miss your chance, sign up today! 

    Right. Color me bitter. Not that I would give up being a Shinigami for the world, but sometimes the job itself just sucks. 

    "So what do we have?" I ask on the evening of the third day, sitting in the hotel room with interviews spread out all around us on the bed. 

    Akimiya pinches the bridge of his nose, looking like he's got a migraine. "Nine disappearances, both male and female, all between the ages of fifteen and twenty-five. They all live within the same five-mile radius, so whatever it is, it's local. That's all I've got." 

    "Well, I was asking around, and there've been more disturbances than the disappearances," I tell him. "Apparently it's been going on for a while; there's been vandalism of the worst kind -- sacrificed animals and pentacles and stuff. Someone's playing around with dark magic. And the missing people we're looking for aren't the only missing people -- there are six others, but their names aren't in the Kiseki. Technically not our business." 

    "Six." Akimiya considers this for a minute. "You think it's a coven of some sort?" 

    "That's the best I can come up with," I agree. "They're trying to find a seventh member, because seven is very important mystically, and whenever someone doesn't measure up, they . . . do something. Not sure what yet." 

    We look at each other. "You thinking what I am?" he asks. 

    "Yeah." I sigh. "I'd better do it. I've got more 'jitsu and that's probably what they're looking for. But how are we going to find them?" 

    "Well, a lot of people seem to be mentioning that club downtown," Akimiya says doubtfully. "Uh, what's it called . . . Ethereal. It seems to be a hang-out for the local magic users." 

    I give him a look. "You want me to go to a club called Ethereal?" 

    "You've got a better idea?" he retorts. 

    I sigh. Again. "No. But I'll have to get clothes for it." Oh, this ought to be rich. 

~~~~ 

    "I can't believe you're making me go out there in this," I hiss, trying to tug the mesh down to cover more of my stomach. It isn't working. The mesh shirt wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that a) it's only mesh, so I may as well be naked, b) it only covers down to my mid-stomach, and c) the pants I'm wearing ride so low that I feel like they're going to fall off. I'm wearing black leather pants. Maybe the world really is ending. 

    The mesh has some red threads woven into it, so I'll admit that it would look pretty cool, you know, if it was on anyone except me. 

    "And why the hell did I have to wear eyeshadow?" I ask. "Are you trying to make me look more gay than I already am?" 

    "It's a goth thing." Akimiya shoves me towards the line. "Go get yourself picked up. I'll be following." 

    I give him a look that conveys quite plainly that I hate him with the fire of a thousand suns. Then I go into the club. It's dim and crowded, lit mostly with blue and ultra-violet light. I'm glad Akimiya's with me, dampening my empathy, otherwise the bustle of this place would probably hurt. 

    I get a drink for the hell of it -- no one's checking IDs anyway -- and look around, hoping I'll be approached. I'm not. I jump as Akimiya mutters into my ear. "You'll have to dance." 

    I look around to make sure no one's watching, then glare fiercely at him. "You've got to be kidding me." 

    "You're the one who volunteered for this," he replies. 

    So I dance, and hope that I'm not making a total fool out of myself. Akimiya doesn't come on the floor with me, and my empathy starts to kick into gear again. I scan the crowd, searching for anyone interesting. After the first three people who are planning how best to get me drunk and drag me into the alley (apparently my dancing isn't that bad), I run across an extremely attractive dark haired boy who's giving me a speculative eye -- but not in the same way. So I go over to him. "Wanna dance?" 

    "No thanks," he says. "Straight." He gives me a look as I blush over my mistake. "You're new here." 

    "Aa. Just moved in." We're practically having to shout to be heard above the music. 

    He's still looking at me speculatively. "You were looking for a group?" 

    I blink at him. "How'd you tell?" 

    "Hey." He reaches out and puts a hand on my shoulder. "Like calls to like. Come on. I've got just the place for you." 

    I follow him out a back entrance, hoping that Akimiya has his eye on us. He's not with us, because my empathy is still functioning, but he must be watching. I end up in an alley with five other teenagers dressed in a like fashion. "I've got our new guy," the boy says. He introduces all of them, and his name, Masai, is the only one I remember. 

    There's no malice in their intent. Not yet, anyway. I let them bring me to their hideout, which is a dilapidated warehouse. How original. Masai says something about an initiation ceremony, which I agree to -- but I'm sure as hell going to keep a close eye on the proceedings and make sure they're not doing anything permanent. 

    "First we just make sure you're suitable," Masai tells me. 

    I raise an eyebrow at him. "You been having a lot of trouble with that?" I ask, trying to sound casual. 

    "Well, if you're not someone who can link in with the rest of us . . ." Masai shrugs. "No biggie. Just close your eyes and concentrate." 

    I do so. A few minutes pass. 

    "No good," Masai says. "There's something funny about you, that's for damn sure. But sorry. We don't mesh at all." 

    Somehow I'm not surprised. "So I just go?" I ask skeptically. I'm beginning to see what happened to the disappearing people. 

    "Well, no," Masai said. "Sorry. Can't allow our dirty little secret to get out, can we?" 

    I stand up. "You should warn people before recruiting that they'll be killed if they don't fit in." 

    "Oh, we won't kill you," one of the others speaks up. "We just erase your memory . . . and, well, take all your power." 

    Ah. Of course, sucking the entirety of someone's power is probably enough to put them in the Kiseki, but not to actually kill them. Questions answered. Now to get out. Problem: six against one. Odds are bad. Akimiya, now is when your help would be appreciated. 

    Unfortunately, Akimiya isn't putting in an appearance. Damn him, this was not the right time to get scatterbrained on me! He probably ended up getting drunk at the club or something. Right, take out the ofuda and attempt to fight. I'm . . . losing. Deja vu, anyone? I seem to be losing quite often these days. 

    There's a sudden flash of purple light and they all freeze in place. I turn around to see Tsuzuki (not Muraki this time, thank God). "Thanks. Did I call?" 

    "You were panicking loudly enough," he says, and turns back to them. "Those bonds won't hold them forever. What now?" 

    Now is why I'm wondering why I ever stopped carrying a gun on missions. Really. Of course, the last time I did, Muraki stole it and then attempted to shoot me in the head with it. Well, to give credit, he most likely intended to miss. "Now we get the hell out of here before they try to suck my soul," I say. "We'll have to do something about them later." 

    Tsuzuki nods and we leave the building. Just as we exit, Akimiya comes running up. "Sorry," he gasps out. "Lost sight of you." 

    "Sure you did," I snap. I'm too pissed off at him to go into it right now. "We'll have to finish dealing with it tomorrow. Let's just go back to the hotel and go to bed." 

    "You two will be all right?" Tsuzuki asks, giving me a questioning look. 

    "Aa, we'll be fine," I grumble. 

    "I like your outfit," he says with a sudden smile. "It's very cute on you." 

    Okay, I think steam just started coming out of my ears. "Arigatou," I manage to mutter. Akimiya is snickering, which only reminds me that I'm furious with him. 

    "Take care." Tsuzuki kisses my forehead and then vanishes. 

    I wait until we're back at the hotel to rip into Akimiya. "What the hell did you think you were doing? You went off by yourself somewhere at the most critical of moments and I nearly got killed because of it! I'm just damn lucky that Tsuzuki was paying attention! I hope you're fucking proud of yourself!" 

    He gives me a long look, and I can see his anger is nearly equal to mine. "Shut up." 

    "Oh, fuck off." Vulgarity is the tool of the incoherently furious. "If you don't want to be my partner anymore you'd better God damned say so, but you're being an idiot. I don't know what Muraki said to you, but -- " 

    "You want to know what Muraki said to me?" he yells. "Fine, then." 

    And before I really see what he's doing, he launches across the room and I end up pinned to the wall with a knife at my throat. 

    Silence. 

    "He told you to kill me." How on earth am I remaining so calm? "And promised not to harm Rika if you did." 

    Akimiya nods. 

    "Well." I lock eyes with him. Akimiya is many things, but he isn't a murderer. "Go ahead then. I dare you." 

~~~~ 

_Um.... I'll have the next part out soon, if that helps ^_~_


	8. Chapter Seven

Chapter Seven 

    Akimiya's hands are trembling. I think mine probably are too, but I feel pretty calm. You know, considering that there's a knife at my throat. Maybe it's just because I don't believe for one second that he's actually going to kill me. I believe that he'll try, and I believe that he may hate himself for failing, but I don't believe that he'll succeed. 

    "So you ditched me earlier on purpose." I talk, buying myself time while I try to figure out what to do. "I was supposed to die then, like it was an accident on the job. No blood on your hands; you could just say that you hadn't gotten there in time." I pause for a second, my eyes still locked on Akimiya. "Muraki set this whole mission up for us, I imagine?" 

    He nods slowly. All right, that makes sense. 

    "So now you're going to try to kill me with what, a kitchen knife?" Sarcasm will get you everywhere. "Had you forgotten that Shinigami can't be killed that way? Tsuzuki damn near dismembered me with a meat cleaver when he was possessed by that demon, and I was up and walking around the next day." 

    He presses the knife harder against my throat. I think it cut at least a little, because my neck stings now. I can feel the blood trickling down into my shirt. Good thing I didn't like these clothes. 

    Of all the stupid things to be thinking right now . . . 

    "It's a cursed knife," he says, his voice harsh. "It has the ability to kill a Shinigami like a normal human." 

    "Oh, that was thoughtful of Muraki." Keep the tone light. I feel like I'm a hostage negotiator, which is pretty pathetic because I'm the hostage here. "And what are you going to do, dump my body in an alley and plead ignorance? They won't buy that, you know. They'll trace it back to you." 

    "They'll trace it back to him," Akimiya retorts. "And I don't give a damn." 

    "Yeah? He'll care. What'd he promise you, anyway? To give you your life back? To let you be happy with Rika again? I've got news for you, Akimiya; he's lying. He always lies. He had no intention of keeping up his end of the bargain. There's only one way the two of you can be happy together, and that's if you're both dead. And believe me, I'm sure that's what Muraki intends to do with both of you." 

    "You're just trying to save your own skin." He presses the knife even harder. The blood has moved from trickling to streaming. This is bad. 

    "Damn right I am," I reply. "But I'm also trying to save yours." 

    "If I don't," Akimiya says, and his voice is now trembling as much as his hands. "If I don't, he'll kill Rika-chan. I know he will." 

    "Yeah. And he'll kill her if you do, too. That's what you get when you make a deal with the devil." 

    "Shut up." Akimiya closes his eyes for an instant, trying to regain his bearings. "I-If I just do this . . . it'll be okay. I can have Rika-chan back again." 

    "You're deluding yourself," I say softly. "And you know it." If he presses that thing into my throat any harder, he's either going to hit my jugular or my windpipe, and if he's right about the knife, that'll be it for me. 

    There's a very long second of silence while Akimiya just stands there. Then he drops the knife and backs away. I start forward, but before I can take more than a step, he sinks to his knees and presses his hands against his face. "I-I couldn't," he mumbles into them. "Rika-chan . . . I'm sorry." 

    Okay. My brain starts to kick back into gear. Pick up the knife before Akimiya can use it to do something stupid and toss it onto the bed. I get a towel from the bathroom and press it against the wound in my throat. It's not healing, which I suppose makes sense if it was a cursed knife. Mental note to find real bandages as soon as possible. Now what? Try to get Akimiya back into the land of the coherent. 

    I kneel beside him and shake his shoulder gently. He glances up at me. "He's going to kill her." 

    "Not if I have anything to say about it." 

    "We can't go get her," Akimiya says dully. "He's watching us both." 

    I frown. "How closely?" 

    "I don't know. But -- " He pauses suddenly. "He doesn't know about the everyday stuff. I mean, when he contacts me he asks." 

    "He been contacting you regularly?" I ask. 

    Akimiya looks away and nods. "I-In my dreams." 

    "Big surprise." Okay, think. Muraki probably doesn't know yet that Akimiya tried to kill me and failed (twice, technically), but I'm sure he'd know if one of us went to get Rika. That means that someone else has to do it. Can't be Tsuzuki; Muraki would definitely know if he paid us a visit. That doesn't leave many options, especially given the fact that it's now nearly midnight. No matter what I do, I'm going to have to wake somebody up, because this can't wait until morning. 

    Well, Tatsumi is the obvious choice, mostly because he's the only one of us besides Tsuzuki that can actually fight against Muraki without losing pitifully. Now the only question remains, how do I get in touch with Tatsumi? He's gone home for the night, I'm sure, so contacting HQ wouldn't do me any good. I can use my empathy to get in touch with Tsuzuki, but that's only because we're so close. 

    Then again, Tsuzuki doesn't have any Reikan ability, and Tatsumi does. So it's worth a try. 

    "What are we going to do?" Akimiya asks, sounding like he's on the verge of full-blown panic. 

    "I'm going to try to get Tatsumi," I say. 

    He shakes his head vigorously. "N-No. I don't want to tell him I just tried to kill you." 

    I must say that I don't blame him for that. "Then we won't tell him. Yet. I'm sure as hell not going to hide this from him, but it can wait until after Rika is safe. Okay?" 

    He hesitates, then nods. I press the towel harder against my throat. I'll be glad to get into Watari's care for this stupid wound, that's for sure. Then I sit on the bed and think very hard about Tatsumi and needing him here right now. 

    It takes a few minutes, before there's a knock on the door. Ah, Tatsumi, ever the gentleman. Won't even appear in our room when I've sent for him. I open the door to let him in. He looks immaculate, which is pretty impressive, given the hour. Doesn't he ever sleep? 

    "You needed something?" he asks. Tatsumi is generally impossible to faze, but he looks slightly startled to see me bleeding all over the place. I suppose with good reason, since Shinigami generally don't bleed for more than a few seconds. Unless the wound is held open for some reason, like those stupid wires Muraki used to tie me up with. He also looks slightly confused, which is probably because I sent for him instead of Tsuzuki. 

    "Yeah," I say with a sigh. "We've got a slight problem and I couldn't call for Tsuzuki because it involves Muraki." 

    "Oh." Tatsumi gives this due consideration. "What is it?" 

    "It's a very long and complicated story," I tell him. "Can you do me a favor and go pick up Rika, and bring her back to the Meifu?" He raises an eyebrow. I know mortals are allowed into the Meifu under special circumstances, like when we were protecting Hijiri and Kazusa from the demon, but it's a very rare occurrence. "Muraki has threatened to kill her. Again. And Akimiya and I are afraid that if we go to get her, he'll kill her before we can get there. He's watching us, but he won't be watching you." 

    Tatsumi pushes his glasses up on his nose. "I'll expect the full story at some point," he says. "But for now I'll go get Rika. Will you two be coming back soon?" 

    "Yeah." I glance at Akimiya, who seems to have settled into some form of shock. Peachy. "As soon as we wrap up here. An hour at most." 

    "All right." 

    I thank Tatsumi profusely for coming to our rescue, and then he leaves. I turn back to Akimiya. "Now. You. Lie down and go to sleep." 

    He gives me an incredulous look. "You expect me to sleep?" 

    "Trance if you can't sleep. I want you to start talking to Muraki to distract him from the fact that Tatsumi is picking up Rika. Tell him what happened today, about the botched thing with those six kids. You can tell him that Tsuzuki saved me. Don't mention the thing with the knife. Say we're going to be here one more day and you're going to try for another 'accident' tomorrow. Got all that?" 

    He nods faintly, then lies down. I doubt he'll be able to sleep, but he's a powerful enough yumemi that he should be able to do it from a trance instead. 

    It's about a half an hour before he sits up again. "He seemed to believe me," he says doubtfully. "But I make no promises." 

    I glance at my watch. "That's all right. Tatsumi's probably in the Meifu by now, so let's get going." 

    He stands up and looks at me. "Hisoka . . . I'm sorry, I just . . ." 

    I shrug. "You didn't kill me, did you?" 

    His gaze suddenly becomes fixed to his shoes. "I should have known better than to trust Muraki." 

    "You don't know him like I do. Now come on. It's stupid to stand here and agonize over this." 

    He nods slowly. "Aa. Thanks." 

~~~~ 

    Much to my surprise, Tsuzuki and Watari are both there with Tatsumi and Rika when Akimiya and I get back. "Who called you?" I ask them. They both point at Tatsumi. 

    He shrugs. "I figured Tsuzuki would want to be informed, and Watari would need to look at that wound." 

    Tsuzuki walks over and takes the towel away. "How did that happen?" he asks, looking confused. 

    "Cursed knife. No big deal." 

    "Well, come on, I'll fix it up for you," Watari says. "Akimiya-san can explain everything, ne?" 

    Akimiya looks . . . terrified. Splendid. 

    "On second thought," I say, "it's already been bleeding for a half hour. Five more minutes isn't going to make any difference. Where's Rika?" 

    "In you and Sakamoto-san's office, extremely puzzled," Tatsumi replies. 

    "She can be puzzled for five more minutes, too," I say. "I think this story had best remain between the five of us . . . well, and I suppose Kachou should know, but he isn't here, so he can find out later." Pause. "Akimiya, why don't you go explain to Rika, okay?" 

    Akimiya gives me a look of undying gratitude and hurries off. 

    "What's this all about?" Tsuzuki asks me, frowning. 

    "To be very brief and blunt," because hell if I'm going to be anything but, "when Muraki had captured Rika, he made a deal with Akimiya that if Akimiya killed me, he would give them their life together back. Akimiya got cold feet at the last minute, thus me still being here." 

    "That's brief, all right," Tatsumi says, and if he wasn't more contained I think he'd be rolling his eyes right now. 

    "That's all the news that's fit to print," I reply. "No offense, but I think the details of this one are going to remain between Akimiya and I. He didn't kill me, we didn't let Muraki kill Rika, and the rest of it really doesn't matter." 

    "What about that?" Watari asks, gesturing to my neck. 

    "Ah, yeah," I say. "That's from when Akimiya was holding the knife at my neck. I think he thought that if he pressed down hard enough, I'd shut up." I take out the knife and hand it over to Watari. "Muraki gave it to him as a last resort, which he had to use because Tsuzuki fouled up his earlier plan to let me get killed by that idiotic coven. It's cursed to be able to kill Shinigami, which is why I assume that it hasn't stopped bleeding yet." 

    Watari examines the knife carefully, then hands it back, which sort of amuses me. I mean, what the hell do I want it for? A souvenir? "I've never seen a curse like this before," he remarks. "I suppose Muraki must have come up with it himself." 

    He ushers me down to the infirmary with Tatsumi and Tsuzuki trailing along behind. "It won't need stitches, will it?" I ask hopefully. 

    "Nah," Watari replies. "I'll just bandage it. It's pretty shallow. But if it doesn't stop bleeding, you'd better let me know." 

    "No kidding." I sit down on one of the infirmary beds and let him fix me up. 

    "What are we going to do about Rika?" Tsuzuki asks thoughtfully. "If we send her back to Chijou, I'm pretty sure Muraki will kill her just out of spite. He doesn't like having his plans foiled." 

    Now that my brain is clear, I'm surprised I didn't figure out what Muraki was planning earlier. I mean, going after Akimiya out of a petty sense of revenge is one thing, but there was no need to involve Rika this way unless he actually wanted something specific. If all he wanted to do was hurt Akimiya, he would have just killed her. 

    At the last encounter I had with Muraki, it became clear that he was never going to kill me (again) because in doing so he would lose Tsuzuki forever. However, it was also made clear that he had no problems with trying to get me killed and was probably going to do so fairly often. As long as Tsuzuki doesn't know he was involved and blame him, it wouldn't matter. I'm sure Muraki wasn't planning on letting Akimiya live long enough to spill that little secret. 

    But Tsuzuki's right. Muraki would, at this point, kill Rika just to show that he was annoyed with Akimiya. And probably try to kill Akimiya, as well, though that's a lot more difficult to do than killing Rika. 

    "Well," I say with a shrug, "can she stay here?" 

    For the first time in recorded history, Tatsumi looks clueless. "I don't know," he says. "It's never been done before. Living people generally aren't very enthusiastic about the idea of taking up residence in the land of the dead. I'd have to ask Kachou-san, and even he might not know." 

    "Because if it's allowed, it seems to be the best solution. She'll be safe from Muraki, Akimiya will be able to be with her and so he won't go psychotic anymore." I touch the bandage on my throat and wince. "Sending her back to Chijou might as well be a death sentence." 

    "Well, she can certainly stay here for a few days, in any case," Tatsumi says. "I'll speak to Kachou tomorrow. At this point, we may as well all go home." 

    We all nod agreement. Sleep, finally. 

    "Oh, by the way," Tatsumi says as he steps out of the infirmary, "I like your outfit, Kurosaki-kun." 

    He must be joking. 

    He'd better be joking, anyway. 

~~~~ 

    Akimiya is crying into Rika's shoulder when I stick my head into our office, which immediately makes me want to run for the hills, but Rika beckons me inside. Tsuzuki stays behind me, leaning against the door frame. Akimiya glances up and rubs his eyes. "How's your throat?" 

    "Peachy keen dandy." Right, Akimiya, and how are you? "You explain everything to her?" 

    They both nod. 

    "Well, we're all going home," I explain. "Rika, you're welcome to stay for the next few days until we figure out a more permanent solution." I pause. "Tatsumi is going to speak to Kachou about her taking up residence here." 

    "Really?!" Akimiya looks like he's about to fall over with sheer joy. 

    I pull over a chair and sit down so I can look Rika in the eye. "It's not as great as Akimiya seems to think it is. It's basically exile. There's a lot less to do in the Meifu. And unlike the rest of us, you won't be able to make day trips to Chijou. You'll never see any of your family again, and they'll never know what happened to you. You'll simply have disappeared. You'll grow old and eventually die while Akimiya stays twenty-three your entire life." 

    "But -- " Akimiya begins. 

    I hold up my hand to stop him. "We don't even know if it's allowed yet," I remind him. "But she needs to know the whole situation. This isn't a honeymoon we're talking about." 

    She nods slightly. "I understand. I promise I'll consider it carefully." 

    Akimiya looks slightly hurt by this, so I decide it's high time to change the subject. "By the way, I don't believe we've been properly introduced. My name's Kurosaki Hisoka. This is Asato Tsuzuki." 

    She manages a smile. "Nice to meet you. I'm Nanami Rika." 

    I shake her hand. Tsuzuki is grinning from the doorway, his usual self. 

    "And now, since it's three a.m., I'm going home and going to bed, and I suggest both of you do the same." 

~~~~ 

    I wake up the next morning and that wound is burning and itching. I don't know if normal wounds do that, but it's better safe than sorry, so I make a mental note to see Watari as soon as I get to the office. I'm greeted with the unpleasant news that we still have to go take care of that stupid coven. 

    "We're sending Tsuzuki with you," Konoe-Kachou tells us. "He needs to start getting back into field work, and you might need the backup." And they don't quite trust Akimiya yet. The words hang unspoken in the air. 

    "I'm not sure that's really necessary," I say, trying to show my faith in Akimiya. He gives me a grateful look. 

    "Don't forget," Tatsumi speaks up, "that Muraki is most likely going to be on the lookout for you." 

    "All the more reason to not bring Tsuzuki," I insist. 

    Tsuzuki smiles and puts a hand on my shoulder. "It's okay, Hisoka. I think I'll be fine." 

    Damn it. I don't like this one bit, but there's nothing I can do to prevent it. They're right in that Tsuzuki needs to get back into field work. Hanging around in the office all day is annoying the hell out of him, I know it. So call me protective; I certainly won't argue. 

    "Any news about Rika?" I ask. 

    "I'm going to speak to EnmaDaioh about it," Konoe-Kachou says. "We'll have the answer by the time the three of you get back." 

    "All right." 

    The three of us troop out of the office. "They don't trust me," Akimiya says gloomily. 

    "Well, no offense, but you did try to kill me last night," I remind him. "That probably doesn't put you high up on the list of trustworthy employees." 

    Akimiya turns pink and looks away. He doesn't say anything else about it, so I decide not to bring the subject up either. 

    I suppose it's rather odd that I'm not angry with him. I'm sure most people in my position would be. But for some reason I just can't blame him. I think if our positions were reversed, and it was Tsuzuki's life at stake, I would do the same. Maybe not, but I would know better than to trust Muraki. But Akimiya loves her. Maybe a little bit too much, if there's any such thing. 

    And does she love him as much? I suppose we'll know from what she decides. It would be an awful thing for her to give up everything for him. Then again, what choice does she have? Sending her back her would be the same thing as killing her. I know Muraki well enough to say that. 

    I catch Tsuzuki's hand as we walk down the hall. After how uncertain he was at first, about being with me like this, sometimes I catch myself doubting how much he loves me. But that's one of the few good things my empathy has done for me. I don't have to doubt, because I know. He would die for me, just as easily as I would die for him. 

    "Are we going to stop by the infirmary?" Tsuzuki asks, and I realize with a start that I was rubbing at the wound again. 

    "Aa. I just want to get it checked." 

    The other two opt to wait outside while Watari takes off the bandages and prods at the wound for a minute. "Well, it's closing all right," he says. "The itching and burning you're feeling are pretty normal. I wouldn't worry about it too much. Just let me rebandage it." 

    I leave feeling reassured. Watari generally knows what he's talking about in this sort of thing, of course. 

    For lack of a better place to start, we track back to the warehouse where I nearly got my life force sucked out the previous night. It seems like ages ago now. Time does really funny things for life-shaking events. Tsuzuki goes in first, and reports that the place is empty. 

    "So what do we do?" I ask. 

    Tsuzuki looks around. "Well, what I'm guessing happened is that they've absorbed the life forces into themselves, so there's no way we can restore it to its original owners. But their bodies should be around here somewhere." 

    "Wait a minute," I say. "Do you mean that there are dead bodies with souls still stuck in them somewhere around here?" 

    "That's about as well as it can be phrased, yeah," Tsuzuki says, taking out some ofuda. 

    I shiver. "That's creepy." The thought of being trapped in my own dead body is . . . scary. "But I thought one of the victims was found. Sort of wandering, with no memory of what had happened." 

    "Hm." Tsuzuki is still looking around. "They probably hadn't perfected the spell yet, and didn't take enough of his energy to kill him. I'm assuming that the subsequent victims were all killed." 

    "They said last night that they didn't kill," I muse. 

    "Probably because they didn't want you to run," Akimiya points out dryly. 

    Tsuzuki nods slightly and starts tugging on a door. Between the three of us, we manage to yank it open. The bodies are all inside. "They haven't started to decay," Akimiya observes. "But some of them should be weeks old." 

    Tsuzuki looks them over for a minute. "There's probably still just enough energy left in them for that . . . it's less like they're dead and more like they're in permanent comas." 

    "No chance of recovery?" I ask. It's really scary how we become jaded to these things with time. All part of the job, I guess. Except for Tsuzuki. He never became jaded. Every time an innocent died, it hurt just as much as the first one. No wonder he nearly went crazy. 

    Tsuzuki shakes his head. "I'll free their souls," he says softly. 

    Akimiya and I take that as our cue to leave the room. "Is he okay?" Akimiya asks me. 

    "I don't know," I say, giving the room a curious look. "He was never very good at handling things like this . . . but he may have learned. Only time will tell, really." 

    He nods slightly. Tsuzuki doesn't take very long. "We can leave an anonymous tip at the police about where to find the bodies," he says, looking slightly distracted. "They can take care of it from here." 

    I nod. Tsuzuki closes the door. "What about the six teenagers?" I ask. 

    Tsuzuki shakes his head. "Not our business. Ours is just to send the souls onto the correct path. The rest is up to the living." 

    "All right." I don't really like that idea, but I know he's right. We all stand and look at the door for a second before turning to go. 

    "Excellent work as always, Tsuzuki-san," Muraki says from his place at the door, and I jump about ten thousand feet into the air. Now really, why didn't I expect this? "Excellent job to all of you, actually. You did quite well." 

    We just look at him. There's really nothing any of us can say. And Muraki won't take on three of us at once; even he knows better. 

    "What do you want?" Tsuzuki finally asks him. 

    "I thought I should pay a visit to say goodbye," Muraki says, with a slight smile on his lips. He's looking right at me. Why the hell is he looking at me? "You may not realize it yet, of course, but you're going to be dead in about a day." 

    My hand goes automatically to my throat. 

    "Yes, very good," Muraki says, seeing the motion. "The knife is cursed, but unlike what I told Akimiya-san here, it only needs to draw blood for the curse to be enacted." He smiles at all of us. "I knew he'd never be able to do it, of course, but I also knew that he'd try. I imagine that you're feeling an itching, burning sensation right about now?" 

    I'm panicking. I can feel it. Mostly because I've started to hyperventilate. But this isn't right. He would never admit to being the reason I'm dead, not if he wants Tsuzuki. There's something I'm missing. There has to be. 

    "There's a countercurse, naturally," Muraki continues as all of us stare at him. "But your scientist won't find it. That's why I invented a curse instead of using an old one." 

    Tsuzuki breathes out slowly. I think he's about to get really pissed off. "What do you want, Muraki?" 

    His smile gets wider, and it's fixed on Tsuzuki now. "I'll perform the countercurse and save him," he says. "On one condition." 

    "Well, what is it?" I snap. He loves the melodrama. I hate him. Akimiya is just standing there. I think he's in shock again. 

    Muraki walks over and puts his hand on Tsuzuki's cheek. "I'll save him if you'll be mine." 

~~~~ 

_Wah, I'm so evil. ^_^ I'm leaving for a few days so there won't be any more for about a week or so. Gomen ne! You can yell at me if you want._


	9. Chapter Eight

_Well, you people are all really lucky, because I decided even I wasn't enough of a bitch to leave that cliffhanger for a week, so I busted my ass and got chapter eight done. And now there *really* won't be any more for a week or so. But at least this doesn't leave off at too horrible a place._

Chapter Eight 

    Tsuzuki's voice comes out remarkably calm, much calmer than I'm feeling. "How exactly do you mean that?" 

    Muraki leans closer, and I can see his lips brushing over Tsuzuki's ear. I'm seeing red, and it's only Akimiya's hand around my arm that keeps me from rabidly attacking him. "You swear to be mine, body and soul," he practically purrs, "and I'll save him." 

    Tsuzuki pushes him away, a look of disgust on his face. "How can you think I would possibly accept such an offer?" he asks, his voice burning with anger. 

    Muraki glances at his watch. "Oh, I'm sorry, I misjudged. Actually I think he probably only has about an hour." 

    Tsuzuki pales, and from the sudden lightheadedness I'm feeling, I'm pretty sure that I've gone pale too. There might have been a chance that Watari would find a cure if it was a day. But an hour? There's just no way. And with only an hour, that doesn't give Tsuzuki any chance to consider the offer. 

    There's no question, however, of what being 'Muraki's' would entail. I can't . . . I can't expect him to do that. Not for me. 

    Tsuzuki walks over to me and stands in front of me, brushing my hair out of my eyes. I'm sure he can see the panic written all over my face, but he still seems perfectly calm. Then he leans down and kisses me briefly, his lips barely touching mine. "Gomen ne, Hisoka . . . gomen." 

    He turns back to Muraki. "I accept." 

    "What?" I stare at him in astonishment. "No! You can't . . . you can't be his!" 

    He gives me a brief look, his eyes dark with sorrow. "I can't just let you die, Hisoka . . . not if there was a way to stop it." 

    "But . . . he could be lying, he could . . ." My voice trails off. Muraki lies when it suits his purpose, but he isn't lying now. I just know. "You can't do this, not for me, I don't deserve something like this, I . . ." 

    "Take the bandage off," Muraki instructs me. 

    I reach up, unthinking, and pull it off. The wound is still open, and there are red marks branching away from it now. Muraki lays his hand over it, and I resist the urge to flinch away. "Tsuzuki, don't do this. I'd rather be dead than alone, you know that, you must know that by now . . ." 

    Muraki starts chanting softly, under his breath so I can't catch what he's saying. 

    "Tsuzuki, PLEASE!" 

    There's a searing pain in my throat and I go to my knees as Muraki steps away. For a second I wonder if he's actually killed me, but then the pain vanishes like it was never there, and my throat is healed. 

    Muraki pulls out a different knife, a smaller one, and walks over to Tsuzuki. "Tsuzuki-san." 

    Tsuzuki extends his hand. I want to say something, but I can't. Muraki is going to make him swear a blood oath, one that cannot be broken without dire consequences. I can't let this happen, but at the same time . . . there's nothing I can do. Muraki slashes both their palms and presses them together. "Say it." 

    Tsuzuki swallows hard. "I swear, on my blood, I am yours. Body and soul." 

    "TSUZUKI!" 

    A faint smile touches Muraki's lips. "And I swear, on my blood, that I will not harm Hisoka again." He lifts his palm, still dripping blood. The wound on Tsuzuki's heals. "And I think we're both satisfied, ne, Tsuzuki-san?" 

    Tsuzuki nods silently. 

    Muraki turns to Akimiya and I, smiling. "Jaa ne." 

    Tsuzuki gives me a last look. "Gomen nasai . . ." 

    And all I can do is watch as Muraki puts a proprietary arm around Tsuzuki and leads him out of the warehouse. 

    "No." I don't know who I'm saying it to. Perhaps Akimiya. "That didn't just happen. I-In a minute I'll wake up a-and . . ." 

    "We need to go home," Akimiya says softly. I can tell he is not relishing the idea of explaining this to Tatsumi. He's liable to go hunting Muraki himself . . . except he can't. Because this was Tsuzuki's decision, and a blood oath can't be broken unless both members of the binding release it. 

    He puts his arm around my shoulders and pulls me back to the Meifu. I feel a bit dazed. He lands us outside HQ so we can walk in like everything is normal. Except everyone will know it's not, because Tsuzuki isn't with us. "You okay?" he asks me. 

    Stupid question. I push open the door and go inside. Tatsumi is in the main room, and he looks up when we come in. His face is simply questioning -- for the moment. "Tsuzuki-san wa?" 

    I open my mouth to explain, and the words stick in my throat. I'm struck by the sudden urge to cling to Tatsumi and cry, but somehow I don't think that would go over very well. 

    Akimiya explains while I stand there. My mind is still trying to grasp exactly what happened. By the time he's finished, almost everyone has gathered around to hear the story. There's silence when he finishes. I think Tatsumi's head is going to explode. I mean, really. Brain goo everywhere. I also think I might fall over any second now. My knees feel shaky. 

    "But he can't do that," someone says uneasily. I can't even identify their voice. I look blankly at Tatsumi. 

    He hesitates. "If Tsuzuki-san refutes his position here, it means that he's disobeying the conditions of his continued existence. There would be . . . steps . . . taken to end it, if this is the case." 

    I shake my head. My voice, surprisingly, sounds perfectly normal. "Muraki won't let that happen. He'll let Tsuzuki continue to work. He'll just have to stay on Chijou . . . with him." 

    There's a low murmur. I can't really decipher what everyone is saying. It's all coming in fuzzy. I can't think. Just sort of looking around. Everyone's trying to figure out what to do. They don't realize that there's nothing that can be done. 

    "Everyone shut up." My voice comes out more harsh than I intend it to. "There's nothing we can do. Tsuzuki made his choice and the oath has been sworn. He can't take it back now unless Muraki lets him, and somehow I doubt he will." 

    Everyone looks at me. "Kurosaki-kun," Tatsumi begins, and then stops. He, at least, is smart enough to know that there's nothing he can say that will help. 

    "Are you okay?" Akimiya is the one who asks. 

    I stand there and stare at him for a long second. Without warning, the anger I've been holding back all boils up at that stupid question. "Yes, Akimiya. I'm perfectly fine." I demonstrate how fine I am by punching him squarely in the jaw. He tumbles backwards and I follow. Somehow, I'm not quite sure how, I end up sitting astride him, punching him repeatedly. I'm so mad that the entire world is blurry. 

    "It's all your fault!" Is that my voice? It sounds different. I'm shrieking. All out shrieking. "You're the one who did this! You made this happen!" 

    Akimiya is holding his hands over his face to defend himself, but he isn't fighting back. This continues for about thirty seconds while everyone looks on, dumbfounded, before someone grabs me around the waist and pulls me off. I turn around and swing wildly at whoever it is. 

    Fortunately, Tatsumi intercepts my fist before it hits, which is probably good because in retrospect I didn't really want to punch Tatsumi. That would just be all sorts of bad. Then he twists my arm around my back, yanking it hard enough to hurt like a sonofabitch. 

    "LET ME GO!" 

    "Not until you've calmed down." 

    Tatsumi is the picture of calm. I'm fighting like a hell hound, as best I can with my arm wrenched around behind me, and he just stands there. He isn't even using both hands to hold me. 

    It hurts too much to continue, so I go limp after a minute and stand there, breathing hard. 

    "Are you going to stay calm?" Tatsumi asks. 

    I think about it for a second. "Yeah." 

    "All right." He lets me go. I immediately leap for Akimiya again, but Tatsumi was expecting this, and his hand snags my shirt and tugs me backwards. He turns me around and gives me a rough shake. "Blaming him isn't going to help, and you know it." 

    The red starts to recede from my eyes, and I suddenly realize that I just tried to kill Akimiya with my bare hands in front of everyone else. And oddly enough, no one looks mad at me. Not even him. 

    Tatsumi gives me a close look, then lets me go. I think I'm falling. Someone catches me from behind and helps me to the floor. I think it must be Watari; there's blond hair in my face. Tatsumi kneels beside me. "You should go home," he says quietly. 

    Home. Is there really such a thing anymore? 

    "I can't. I can't." I try to say something else, but nothing else comes. I'm crying. In front of everyone. This day just keeps getting better and better. "I don't have anywhere without him." I think I'll turn around and cry into Watari's shirt. He'd take it better than Tatsumi, in any case. He puts his arms around me and hugs me. The way Tsuzuki used to hug me when I cried. 

    Tatsumi is moving now, getting everyone else to quit gawking and go back to work. Even Akimiya reluctantly allows himself to be pushed away. By the time he comes back, I've stopped crying, but it's more from a lack of energy than out of a lack of tears. "If I send you home," Tatsumi says, "can I rely on you to not do anything stupid?" 

    I pull away from Watari, stung. "I'm not going to waste Tsuzuki's sacrifice. Don't insult me." 

    Tatsumi looks annoyed, but only very briefly, before the concern is back. "Then go. There's nothing else you can do here today, and it won't help you to be here." 

    "Whatever." I manage to stand up. 

    "If I send Sakamoto-san by later to check on you, will you try to kill him again?" 

    "I make no promises. He can stay the hell away from me." I can't really hear anything I'm saying. I know the words are coming from my mouth, but I don't even know where they're coming from. It's not me that's saying them. I'm not this bitter and angry. I was bitter once, but Tsuzuki helped me, and I stopped being that way. I didn't need that protective shell around him, because I knew that he'd never hurt me. 

    I guess I was wrong. 

~~~~ 

    I get home just around sunset, which is kind of alarming because I don't remember where I've been all day. I've just sort of been stumbling around in a daze. Well, that's excellent. I should eat, but I'm not hungry. I could try to sleep, but somehow I think I would just end up staring at the ceiling and wishing that I could kill myself. Which I can't, of course. 

    Somehow I end up lying on the kitchen floor. I really have to start paying attention to what my body does when I'm not looking. It's past dinner. I wonder if Tsuzuki's eaten yet. Did Muraki take him out to dinner? Buy him dessert, maybe? 

    What are they doing now? 

    I have to stop thinking like this. Screw that, I have to stop thinking altogether. There's one traditional cure for that, and it's the two bottles of wine in the back of our cupboard. I'm not sure why Tsuzuki had them; I think he was saving them for a special occasion. Well, what's more special than losing your own true love to the man who raped and killed you? 

    Never been a better time to get drunk, if you ask me. 

    I've been working on my liquor tolerance since that one cup of sake knocked me out, though I still don't like sake in general, I can drink quite a bit now. Hopefully I'll drink enough to pass out. Passing out sounds really good right about now. 

~~~~ 

    My head is pounding. And so is the door. No. Not right. Doors can't pound. Think someone is pounding on the door. Feeling kind of giddy. Not usually a word that can be applied to me. Can giddy be used as a bad thing? It's bad now. Like not all here. Floating. Three inches out of my body. One and a half bottles of wine out of my body, really. Why is the door pounding? This whole thing just isn't making any sense. Not much makes sense when you're plastered. Plastered. Funny word. What does wall material have to do with alcohol consumption? And why can I still remember the meaning of the word consumption when I can't figure out why someone is pounding on the door? 

    Nitwit. Stupid idiot. Someone is pounding on the door because they want me to answer it. Why else would they be pounding on it? Sheesh. Okay, self. Get up. Right. I'm lying on the kitchen table. Why the table? Not sure, really. Don't remember when or how I got up here. Think it was to keep the wine within reach. Reach. Reach for the wine. Yeah, that's good. 

    Oh right. Was gonna answer the door. Why am I still conscious? Normally I would've passed out half a bottle ago. Door. Where is the door? I really should know this. I live here. With Tsuzuki. I bet he would know where the door is. Except I don't know where he is. He must be . . . out. Somewhere. Can't remember. Brain hurts is fuzzy. No. I don't know. Never mind. 

    Door. Haul self off the kitchen table, wind up on kitchen floor. Progress! Crawl to the door. Would look in peephole but it's too far up. Kinda manage to haul myself up enough to pull the door open, then fall forward right onto whoever it is. I hope it isn't Tatsumi. 

    It's Tatsumi. Remind me to never hope for anything again. 

    He gives me a look. The kind of look he always gives me. You know, that look. The one that clearly states he thinks I'm an idiot. Guess he's right. Why am I drunk, anyway? It seemed like a really good idea but now I don't actually remember why. Think it had something to do with Tsuzuki. Who isn't with Tatsumi. So that's strange, but I don't know where he is or what's he doing. That doesn't sound right. Whatever. 

    "Ohayo, Tatsumi . . ." Is it morning? When is it? When am I? Why did I say ohayo when I have no idea what time of day it is? Head hurts. "Why're you here?" 

    "I came to check on you." Tatsumi lets himself in and shuts the door behind him. I'm still kneeling on the floor, kind of in a puddle. Didn't think people could be puddles, but somehow seems to be a good . . . you know. Thing. Metaphor. "Seems like a good thing. What have you been doing?" 

    "Doing? Nothing. Nothing but . . . sitting. Or lying. On the kitchen table. With the wine. We were saving it for something but I wanted it." 

    Tatsumi pinches the bridge of his nose, looking . . . I dunno. Looking something unpleasant, that's for damn sure. "Kurosaki-kun, how much wine have you drank?" 

    I laugh. Why it's funny is sort of beyond me, but it seems funny so I'm going with it. "I dunno. Count the empty bottles if you wanna know." 

    Pained, that's the word I was going for. Tatsumi looks pained. He walks into the kitchen, so I follow him. Sorta crawling. "Were these both full when you started drinking?" Tatsumi asks, picking up the one that's half full. 

    "I don't remember." I'm still laughing. For some reason all this seems terribly funny. I grab the chair and use it to pull myself into a standing position, then wobble over and take the bottle. I think it would taste bad but I'm not really tasting anymore. Don't think I've eaten all day, so maybe my taste buds have forgotten how to work. 

    Tatsumi takes it back. "You shouldn't drink anymore." 

    "Yeah I should." I grab the bottle and start trying to pull it away, which is really not working at all. Damn him anyway. "'m not sleep yet." 

    He raises an eyebrow. "You were planning on drinking until you passed out?" 

    Laughing again. "Sure wasn't drinking for the fun of it." Actually don't remember why I was drinking. Good thing, 'cause it would probably hurt to remember. "D'you know where Tsuzuki's?" 

    He gives me a long, steady look. "Have you eaten anything today?" 

    "Lunch maybe. Don't know. Don't 'member where I was at lunchtime." I don't like that answer. What kind of answer is that? He answered my question with a question that had nothing to do with my question! "Where's Tsuzuki?" 

    "I think you need to go to bed," he says. Avoiding me again! 

    Well, show him. Stamp my foot. I'll just throw a good old-fashioned temper tantrum. Mommy hated those. She got Daddy to beat me when I did it, but I don't think Tatsumi would do that. "I want Tsuzuki!" 

    Tatsumi looks . . . that word again, I've forgotten it. "You can't have Tsuzuki, so go to bed." 

    "Can't sleep all by myself . . ." 

    "That's ridiculous and you know it. You sleep in a bed by yourself when you're on assignment." 

    "But not this bed." Tug on his arm. That might help. "This bed is for me an' Tsuzuki. Not for just me. It smells like him. Like, um, that thing . . . that Tsuzuki smells like, never mind, I don't remember." 

    He gives me a look. "You really don't remember where Tsuzuki is?" 

    "Well, no, but that's what the wine was for, ne?" I grab for the bottle again, but he holds it out of my reach. Then he empties it into the sink. "Hey! That was . . . um . . . for something . . . my head hurts. Whyn't I pass out yet?" 

    Tatsumi sighs, pulls out a chair, and sits down. I think he's wondering why he got stuck with the task of checking up on me. Because who would want to check up on me anyway? No one cares about me 'cept Tsuzuki, not really anyway. I miss Tsuzuki wanna know where he is. 

    Whoops, fell over. On the floor now. Kinda kneeling. Looking at Tatsumi's knees. They're very . . . ordinary knees. But there's only so unique you can get with knees I guess. 

    "I want Tsuzuki but he's gone." My profound statement of the day. It can only go downhill from here. "That's all I remember. That he's gone." Great crying now. Can't really stop it but not sure I care. Eyes hurt. No. Head hurts, that's what I meant. Crying and my head just somehow ended up in Tatsumi's lap. Think he's gonna kill me. Of all the laps to be crying into, really, why'd it have to be Tatsumi's? 

    But he doesn't kill me, which I'm beginning to think might be preferable, he just sits there. He doesn't say anything but I guess that's because he knows there's nothing he can say. Finally no more crying. Feel sick. Like throw up sick. Don't want to throw up in Tatsumi's lap. "Gonna be sick." 

    "You know where the bathroom is," Tatsumi says. Given that earlier I didn't remember where the door was that's not really true, but I manage to stumble in there anyway. Hate being sick. Stand up and the world comes in waves. Falling. 

~~~~ 

    Oh. God. I've never felt so awful in my entire life. My stomach is churning and my head is throbbing. My legs feel like jelly. It's a good thing I'm not sitting up. Try to open my eyes, but they're gummed shut. Oh that hurts. The light is too bright, so I close them again. Got a brief glimpse of someone here. Don't know who, because I can't feel them. Wait. That means it must be Akimiya. 

    "Are you awake?" 

    Yup, definitely Akimiya. He seems fond of asking the stupid questions right around now. I remember something vague about being angry with him, but at the moment the past couple days are pretty blurry. "Nnnghk," I reply. 

    "I'll take that as a yes. Can you sit up?" 

    "Unnnh." What the hell has happened to my language skills? I'm reduced to Neaderthalesque monosyllabic grunts. Just what I needed to enhance my image. I try to shove myself into a sitting position, but the world spins alarmingly and I drop back. "Ohgod." Hey, that was two syllables! I'm really improving. 

    "You need to drink some water. You're dehydrated." 

    I have to speak carefully in between the sudden bursts of stars behind my closed eyelids. "I'm -- going -- to -- be -- sick." Swallow hard. Trying to hold back the nausea. What with how often I've been throwing up lately, I'm amazed that I'm not losing weight like crazy. 

    "Roll over." 

    I open my eyes to see Akimiya put the trash basket by the side of the bed. That's good, 'cause I really don't think I could make it to the bathroom in my current condition. What the hell was I doing last night, anyway? I roll over and am promptly violently ill. 

    Akimiya hands me a tissue to wipe the involuntary tears off my face, then hands me the glass of water. "Drink that. I'll be right back." He picks up the trash can and leaves the room. I can only barely manage to hold the glass up to my lips and drink. Once I get the first swallow down, though, I realize that my mouth tastes like cotton balls and week-old rum. I'm pathetically thirsty. The rest of the glass is gone in three swallows. 

    He comes back in with another glass of water and a bowl of rice. "Eat the rice and you can have the water." 

    "Ugh." I look at the rice and my stomach lurches. "Don't think I can." 

    "You'd better. You didn't eat anything at all yesterday." He sits back down and hands me the rice, with a spoon. I'm not really up to using chopsticks and he seems to understand this. I start to eat the rice, mostly because I really want the water. I guess I am hungry after all. "You're lucky, you know. That fall you took would have killed a regular person." 

    Fall? I don't remember falling. It might explain why my head aches so badly, though. 

    Akimiya sees the look of confusion on my face. "You don't remember?" 

    My mouth is full of rice, so I shake my head. Then swallow. "I remember leaving work yesterday . . . everything after that is pretty fuzzy. I think I made an idiot out of myself in front of Tatsumi." Pause. "Hey, what time is it?" 

    "It's midmorning. Tatsumi-san gave me the day off from work so I could come here and make sure you were all right. I think he stayed here last night." 

    "Oh. God. Shoot me now, please." 

    Akimiya laughs slightly. "You don't remember getting drunk?" 

    "I think the word you're looking for is 'wasted', actually. It's there in patches. When did I fall?" 

    "Tatsumi-san said you went into the bathroom to be sick, then he heard a thud. You fell and cracked your head on the side of the tub. Probably would've killed you, you know, if you weren't already dead." 

    "I don't remember that at all." Pause. "I think I was really drunk." 

    "I don't really blame you." 

    I finish the rice and reach for the water. "Why are you here? To make yourself feel better about what happened?" 

    "No," he says quietly. "Because I'm your friend. Or was, anyway. And I'm worried about you." 

    My head hurts. "I want to be angry with you," I admit. "But I'm not. Yesterday . . . yesterday was bad. I guess I'm a little better now. But if I wasn't mad at you for trying to kill me, I suppose it's not fair to be mad at you for nearly succeeding. Besides," I add, giving him a look, "you're torturing yourself over it enough without my help." 

    He laughs softly. "Yeah, I guess I am. Hisoka, I can't . . . I can't apologize enough. And I know that . . . that you'll never forgive me, but . . ." 

    "Shut up, Akimiya." I press both hands to my face. "Don't make yourself any more miserable than you already are. You did it for the woman you love, and . . . I can't hate you for that. You were manipulated. We all were." 

    Silence for a minute. I put the empty glass on the side table. My head hurts too much to be having this conversation. 

    "Tatsumi-san said he was going to go to Chijou today," Akimiya finally says. "To speak to Tsuzuki about his job. He said he'd probably be in tomorrow." 

    I don't know if that's a good thing or not. Who would it be harder for, really? Akimiya wasn't allowed to see Rika at all. I'll be able to see Tsuzuki, but not to have him. Which way is worse? "All right." 

    Another pause. 

    "It does . . . get better, you know," he says hesitantly. "It doesn't stop hurting, but . . . you can stop thinking about it all the time." 

    "You're not fooling anyone, least of all me. I'm an empath. It didn't get better for you. You just repressed it. You were obsessed, Akimiya. Now stop trying to help. It won't work, and we'll only both end up feeling worse." 

    Silence. 

    "Is she staying?" I finally ask. 

    He nods slightly. "Aa. She's staying." 

    "That's good." Close my eyes. "It'd really suck if this was all for nothing. I'd be pissed." 

    He doesn't reply to that. 

    "Is there anything else you need?" he finally asks. 

    "No. I just . . . I think I'll try to get some sleep." 

    "Do you want me to go? Or stay?" 

    I roll over onto my side, facing away from him. "Please . . . stay. I don't really want to be alone right now." 

    "Aa." 

    But even though he's there, I've never felt more alone. 

~~~~ 

_See everybody soon, hopefully. ^_^_


	10. Chapter Nine

_Warnings: Nothing happens in this chapter. It's just one long fit of depression._

Chapter Nine 

    Somehow, and God only knows how, I manage to fall asleep again. Way to go, me. I wake up again at around three in the morning, feeling totally awake and completely miserable. Usually if I wake up, Tsuzuki and I will go make hot chocolate, and then I'll try to get back to sleep, and if I can't we'll talk for a while and -- 

    I've got to stop doing that. 

    Akimiya is still here, but he's asleep in the armchair. I suppose I owe him and Tatsumi for staying with me, but really I think they just don't trust me. I'm not sure I trust myself. All that pretty talk about not wasting Tsuzuki's sacrifice aside, the thing I'd like most right now (well, except for getting Tsuzuki back, but that's pretty obvious) is to curl into a ball and die. 

    I should probably stop doing that, too. 

    Well, let's see. Tatsumi dumped out the wine, so I can't just drown my sorrows like I did earlier. I'm not hungry in the slightest, and Akimiya is asleep. That isn't leaving me a lot of options other than staring at the ceiling and feeling miserable, so I do that until around dawn. 

    At six, Akimiya stirs and blinks at me. "How long've you been awake?" he asks, his voice fuzzy from sleep. I don't want to rip his throat out anymore, but I'm not terribly pleased with him anyway. Forgiven, but never forgotten. 

    "I dunno," I lie, because I don't really want him to know I've been moping like an idiot for three hours straight out of sheer lack of energy to do anything else. "A while, I guess." Sit up. Good going, me. Climb out of bed, even better. Nearly fall over from dizziness. Not so good going. 

    "You need to eat something," Akimiya says, standing up and helping me back onto the bed. "A bowl of rice isn't sufficient for two days. If I cook something, will you eat it?" 

    "Yeah," I say, more because I don't feel like arguing with him than out of any real desire to eat. Also because I want to go to work and distract myself, and I don't think I can do that if I can't walk straight. I want to know what happened when Tatsumi went to see Tsuzuki yesterday, too. 

    "Okay. Don't try to go anywhere, for crying out loud." Akimiya rubs his eyes and wanders out into the living room. I ignore him and wobble my way into the bathroom. Some cold water on my face has me feeling slightly more human. I ignore the waves of dizziness and manage to struggle into some clothing, then go out into the kitchen. Even if I feel like crap, I'm going to act as normally as possible. 

    "Idiot," Akimiya remarks, as I make my way into the kitchen and pour myself a mug of tea from the fresh pot on the counter. He must have just made it. 

    "And proud of it." I dump some sugar in the tea; that'll help with the dizziness, then start to sip at it. My head aches, probably from lack of food. Either that or the still lingering hangover, but I think that's probably gone by now. 

    Akimiya sighs and continues with what he's doing, which actually smells really good. Pancakes. I bet he doesn't know that's one of Tsuzuki's favorite breakfast foods. Otherwise he wouldn't be cooking it, because Akimiya is a smart guy. 

    He puts a plate down in front of me. "Now eat all of that, and then I'm going to go home and change and I'll meet you at work, okay?" 

    "But first you're going to sit here and watch me to make sure I eat every bite?" I surmise, pouring syrup on the pancakes. 

    "Damn straight." 

    I really hate him sometimes. 

    So I eat the damn pancakes and then he leaves to go home and probably be all lovey dovey with Rika, which I would be annoyed about if I had the energy. I heard a really good description of depression once, actually, which was something along the lines of "people tell you to cheer up, and if you had the energy, you'd strangle them." 

    Or kill yourself, but that's beside the point. 

    By now it's nearly eight in the morning. I go for a walk before work. That's something that's always helped me think. Of course, it's also something that got me raped and murdered, but hey, who's keeping score? 

    Right. Office. Go inside, hang up my jacket. Everything's normal. Everything's fine. If I just keep telling myself that . . . 

    I won't notice that Tsuzuki is standing next to the coffee machine. 

    My jacket slides right out of my fingers and lands on the floor with a soft thud. For some reason, this is enough noise for everyone in the entire office to look over at me, and everything goes very quiet all of a sudden. 

    "Ts . . . Tsu . . ." I have lost grip on all language skills. Even drunk I was doing better than this. 

    Even the furniture seems to be holding its breath. 

    Tsuzuki gives me a big smile. "Ohayo, Hisoka!" 

    He's actually going to try to pretend nothing's wrong. I knew he was an idiot, but this really takes the cake. I swallow hard. Try to manage to speak. It's totally not working. And everyone is just staring at me. I really wish they'd stop that. The silence is so loud that it's deafening me. 

    Deep breaths. Right. If I pass out again, I'm just shooting myself right here. 

    ". . . ohayo?" Tsuzuki tries again, his smile faltering. 

    I'm not doing this in front of everyone. I'm not going to start crying again. I'm not, I'm not, I'm really not. 

    Akimiya walks in, at which point I realize I'm still standing in the doorway, because he nearly walks into me. He, having slightly less tact than everyone else but not being tongue-tied like I am, stares openly at Tsuzuki. "You're here." 

    "Aa," Tsuzuki says. And that's all he says. He's giving Akimiya a look that borders on being dirty. I suppose he's not too pleased with him either. 

    Akimiya backs away a step, unconsciously. 

    "Are you okay?" Hey, look, my voice came back. Without warning, or informing me of what it was going to say. 

    Tsuzuki smiles again. "Oh, yeah, I'm fine." 

    "H-He didn't . . . hurt you?" I've got to get myself to shut up. This just isn't something we should be discussing in front of everyone. 

    "No, no." Tsuzuki waves his hands around, looking slightly distressed. "I'm fine, really." 

    "That's . . . that's good." 

    I'm saved as Tatsumi walks in and gives the entire room that mildly deceptive look that means 'get back to work before I dock all your pay.' Everyone scurries back to what they were doing, which I find pretty amusing, seeing as Tatsumi didn't even have to say anything. Tsuzuki sort of eeps and then darts into the hallway leading towards the lab. My feet are following him, which I didn't instruct them to do. 

    "Tsuzuki, wait. Please." 

    He stops in the middle of the hallway, which is blessedly empty, with his back still turned to me. "Hisoka . . ." 

    "Please . . . don't turn away from me . . ." I'm walking now, unsteadily, towards him. Wrap my arms around him from behind, hiding my face in the back of his shirt. "Please . . ." 

    There's a long minute of silence, before he takes hold of my hands and literally pries me off of him, then steps away. He still won't look at me. "I can't," he finally says. "I'm . . . not allowed . . . to let you touch me." 

    Okay. That's it. I think my brain just caved in. My knees did, at any rate, because I'm now on the floor. And it hurts. It hurts like someone just took an axe to my chest. I can't even breathe through the pain. 

    "No . . ." 

    "Gomen ne, Hisoka . . ." 

    "NO." 

    I slam my fists into the floor, hoping that will distract me. It doesn't. There are soft footsteps and Tatsumi walks up. He doesn't say anything. He and Tsuzuki look at each other for a long minute, before Tsuzuki looks away. 

    "Doesn't matter anyway," he mumbles. 

    "You can't say that," I manage. My voice is wobbling so hard it's about to start registering on the Richter scale. "I can't do this every day. I just can't." 

    He and Tatsumi give each other that look again. 

    "I mean, it's not as if you're going to transfer and I'm going to -- oh." It sets in. No, that's not quite true. I figure it out, but it doesn't set in. "Oh. When?" 

    Tsuzuki looks away. "Day after tomorrow." 

    "Where?" 

    "We're not sure yet. Another division, that's all." 

    Where he won't have to see any of us. Especially not me. "Why?" 

    "It was my idea," Tatsumi says. I give him a glare that probably would shrivel everyone except him. "You two won't be able to work together, and don't deny that. It's easier if he just leaves." 

    "But . . ." There go my language skills again. I can't protest, because Tatsumi is right. But at the same time, I can't agree, because I can't live without him. And suddenly the words burst out of me. "Don't you realize that I would have rather died than lost you?!" 

    There's a long moment of silence. 

    "I know," Tsuzuki finally says. "But I couldn't let that happen. Not if there was a way I could stop it." 

    "But Muraki . . . Muraki is . . . you two are . . ." 

    Tsuzuki presses his hands against his face. "I know." 

    "I can't. I can't accept this." 

    "You have to." 

    "I CAN'T!" 

    Tsuzuki walks over and pulls me into a hug, and we both sink to the floor, clinging to each other. 

    "I thought you weren't allowed to touch me." 

    "He said . . . I could do whatever I needed to . . . to say goodbye to you." 

    Of course. Because Muraki doesn't want me hanging over Tsuzuki's head, not now that he's finally gotten him. Whatever it takes for Tsuzuki to let go of me. Muraki either doesn't realize or doesn't care that I'll never be able to let go of him. 

    While we sit there, Akimiya walks up. He stops in his tracks when he sees us, and backs away. I'm not sure Tsuzuki even realizes that he's there. 

    He finally lets go of me and stands, helping me to my feet. "Hisoka . . . be brave, okay? I think you can do this." 

    I just shake my head, feeling numb. 

    He kisses my forehead and says something usually reserved for the most private of moments. "Ai shiteru, Hisoka . . . I really do." 

    Tears are running down both of our faces now, unchecked and unheeded. "Please. Please don't do this." 

    "I have to." He kisses me again, on the lips this time. "Sayonara." 

    And he turns and walks away. 

    I watch him go, watch until he's out of sight, vanished around a turn in the corridor. Tatsumi and Akimiya are watching me, probably waiting for the inevitable explosion. I turn to them slowly. 

    "Tatsumi . . .?" 

    He looks at me. 

    "Send me somewhere. Anywhere. There must be some assignment that needs doing. I don't care if I'm looking for someone's pair of lost socks. I don't care if you send me to Antarctica, but get me the hell out of here. If I . . . If I see him again . . ." 

    Tatsumi nods, and understands. One goodbye is enough. 

    "Come to my office," he says after a brief pause. "And we'll talk about it." 

~~~~ 

    Tatsumi, bless his dear little heart, manages to find pretty much the perfect case. It's in a remote corner of Japan so we won't be near Tsuzuki and Muraki. It won't require a great deal of concentration (i.e. I'm not going to wind up getting myself killed out of distraction) but will need enough thought to distract me from what's been happening. 

    Akimiya and I spend the morning discussing the case and doing some poking around, and then he takes me out to lunch. Night falls before I'm even really aware of it and we go to a nearby hotel. 

    He reviews what we've learned, more for my benefit than for his, I'm sure. I try to listen, but the entire world seems to be moving about three times as fast as I'm capable of going. I'm dazed and hurt and would like nothing more than to be home in bed with Tsuzuki right now. 

    "How did you do it?" My voice is shaking so much I can barely recognize it as my own. "Live, every day . . . like this . . .?" 

    Akimiya sighs and sits down on the bed next to me. "One day at a time," he says with a shrug. "Hour by hour, minute by minute if necessary. There were minutes that were easier than others." 

    "It never stops hurting." It's not a question. Just a statement of something I know to be true. 

    He shrugs again. "Not in the seven months that I endured it, at least." 

    I rub my eyes, trying to push back the tears. I really have been crying too much lately. Makes me feel like a grade-A wuss. "But how did you do it? Just . . . tell me something, please." 

    He sighs. "Remember when we first met, and you asked how long I'd been dead?" 

    I nod. "Two weeks." 

    "How long were you dead before you got a case?" 

    "Uhh . . . a couple days." I frown. "Enough for Konoe-kachou to give me some basic training and stuff, but not much. But . . . there was sort of a dire need then, I mean . . ." 

    He shakes his head. "That's usual, from what I hear. I just didn't get anything because I was still in pieces. Don't get me wrong, every Shinigami has a story they'd rather not tell, and none of us have died in pretty ways. Or even normal ways, from what I can tell." 

    I wait for him to finish. 

    "But . . . for almost a week . . . I couldn't do anything. I fell apart every time I even tried to get out of bed. I had chosen to be a Shinigami to protect her . . . and I wanted to, but I missed her so much that every time I thought about her . . . it was like dying all over again." 

    "Is this supposed to encourage me?" I ask skeptically. 

    He shrugs. "I got past that. So will you." 

    "How?" 

    "The way I did it was the wrong way," he says. "As is evidenced by my recent nervous breakdown. I locked it all away. I pushed it back and ignored it, and didn't tell anyone. But that's not really what I would recommend." 

    I look away. "But . . . if there's no other way to make this stop hurting . . ." 

    "It doesn't make it stop hurting, Hisoka," he says gently. "It just makes it hurt differently." 

    "Can it possibly get worse than this?" I ask, my voice still trembling. "God, Akimiya, to sound totally cliched and pathetic, it feels like he just ripped my heart right out of my chest. I've never hurt so badly in my entire life." Words have started pouring out of my mouth, much against my will. "I know it was bad for you but you don't understand. I was always, always alone. And it hurt so much but I could never say anything. I thought that I was worthless and that no one would ever care for me. 

    "And then . . . Tsuzuki came . . . and it was like . . . I don't know. Like nothing I had ever felt before. All that pain and loneliness just . . . went away. He made me feel whole. He made me feel like I was actually worth something, because there was someone who cared about me. And now . . . now he's gone." I swallow hard to hold back the tears. "And I can't. I can't go back to the loneliness. I just can't." 

    Akimiya pulls me into a hug and I bury my face in his shoulder. "And I suppose it doesn't mean anything that you have other friends?" he asks softly. 

    "No," I reply. "I'm sorry, but it doesn't. I know that . . . that other people care for me now, but I don't feel it the way I did with Tsuzuki. And it's so much worse . . . knowing that he's with Muraki. Remember when you told me that you wanted Rika to be happy, even with someone else?" 

    He nods slightly. I don't see it, but I can feel the movement against me. 

    "I finally realized what you meant. If Tsuzuki was with someone now that he was happy with . . . I would try to accept it. I don't know how much I'd be able to, but I'd try. But this . . . I can't accept. He hates Muraki, and I know Muraki's going to hurt him, and it's infuriating not to be able to help." 

    "I know." Akimiya hugs me tighter. "And I'm . . . I'm so sorry. If I could think of anything, or if there was anything I could do . . ." 

    I pull away. "You really shouldn't blame yourself." 

    "I know," he repeats with a sigh. "But that isn't stopping me from doing it." 

    "You should try to be happy now," I manage. "Now that you have Rika . . . you deserve to be happy after everything the two of you went through together." 

    "Aa," he says. "And maybe I could forgive myself . . . if everyone else could forgive me." 

    "I -- " 

    "It isn't you," he says. "Didn't you see the way Tsuzuki was looking at me this morning? He hates me, and I don't blame him. I'm the reason he has to endure this." 

    "I wasn't paying much attention to anything this morning," I admit. "But . . . it isn't your fault. It's just . . . Muraki. He nearly conned me into killing myself by accident with that last stunt he pulled. This is no different, except he had the sense to try his tricks on someone who had never dealt with him before, and couldn't fight back. If I had been in your position . . . I'm not sure I would have done any differently." 

    "That helps now," he says, "but it won't help when Tsuzuki looks at me that way." 

    "It doesn't matter," I reply quietly. "You'll never see him again. None of us will." 

    Silence greets this statement. 

    Saying it makes it more real, more concrete, but oddly enough, it doesn't make it hurt any more. I think I've simply reached the limit of pain where I can't feel anymore. It doesn't matter if it gets worse, because it couldn't possibly hurt more than it already does. 

    "Akimiya . . ." My voice comes out as a whisper. "Tell me what to do." 

    He leans over and draws me into a hug. "I can't," he replies simply. "Because I don't know." 

~~~~ 

    Tatsumi greets us and takes out report when we get back about three days later. He looks tired; there are slight dark circles underneath his eyes. Probably not enough for most people to notice, but certainly enough for those of us who know him well. Or maybe I should say those of us who know him better; I'm not sure that any of us know him 'well.' 

    "Is he gone?" I ask. My voice is even and calm, a step above where I was when I left. I've gone numb. It's like what Akimiya said. I've just locked it all away inside. He's right. It doesn't stop hurting. It just hurts where no one can see it. 

    Tatsumi nods slightly. "Aa." 

    "All right." I don't say anything else. There's nothing I can say. 

    "You want to come over for dinner?" Akimiya asks me. He knows better than to leave me alone tonight, I suppose. I'm grateful in an odd way; I'd rather be alone but I know it's not a good idea. So I simply nod in silent agreement. 

    Rika greets Akimiya with an enthusiastic kiss, and I have to look away to keep from either crying or screaming; I'm not sure which. Then she turns to me and gives me a slight hug. I get the feeling that Akimiya keeps in touch with her while we're gone by way of his dreams, because she must have known we were coming back today, and that I'd be with him. There's dinner on the table already. Akimiya shoos me into a seat and I force myself to eat. It tastes like ash in my mouth. I'm sure the food is good, I really am, but I'm too numb to even enjoy it. I eat out of courtesy; no more, no less. 

    They keep up a light conversation and occasionally try to involve me, but I feel disconnected, like I'm far away and watching all this happening to someone else. Like a bad movie or something. This can't actually be me, right? I've lived through enough bad things. I was due for a break, and I got it. It couldn't have ended so quickly, could it? Tsuzuki will come back to me. 

    Won't he? 

    Eventually we all fall into a gloomy silence (that is, they fall; I already wasn't talking.) "Come on, I'll walk you home to make sure you get there okay," Akimiya says, and grabs his jacket. 

    It's late; the streets are silent and empty. The weather is beautiful as always; it does rain occasionally, but not often. I asked Tsuzuki why, once, because the trees are spiritual and don't need water to live and grow. The best he could come up with was that some people were comforted by the rare rainy days. 

    We walk in silence; Akimiya has apparently given up on finding anything to say to me. The house Tsuzuki and I share isn't large; it only has one bedroom. After all, it was where Tsuzuki lived by himself before I moved in. It's comfortable enough for two people, though too small for any more than that. 

    Akimiya follows me inside, presumably to make sure I even do that okay. I stop short in the doorway and he bumps into me. There's a note taped to the door. 

    It's very simple. It reads simply 'I thought it would be easier this way, if we didn't see each other, and Tatsumi agreed. Sayonara, Tsuzuki.' 

    Dreading what I'm going to find, I push open the door. The apartment is pretty much intact; he left all the furniture and most everything that did not specifically belong to him. But everything that would even remotely remind me of him -- his clothes, his books, even the chocolate cake mixes in the pantry -- is gone. 

    Akimiya follows me around the house as I dazedly discover each missing item, and we finally stop in the middle of the living room. I can't think. I don't know if I should be upset or glad. Pretty much all I know is that if killing myself was an option right now, it's one I would be taking. 

    "Do you want to come back over?" Akimiya asks hesitantly. 

    I want to take him up on the offer, want it badly, but shake my head. "What good would it do? It'll still all be here tomorrow and I'll have to face it then. Putting it off for a day won't help, and I can't put it off indefinitely." 

    He nods, offers a few brief words of comfort that mean nothing, and leaves. It's barely even nine, but I'm too numb to even think; so I just crawl into my pajams and curl up on the sofa. I can't sleep in the bed yet. I just can't. It still smells of him. No, that's not true. It doesn't smell of him. It smells of us. 

    I turn the television on and stare blankly at it, disjointed words and images that I can't fit together into any useful picture. Nothing seems to fit together right now. Everything's just one big blur. I guess I never realized how much I depended on Tsuzuki to give my life meaning and focus. 

    I can't stop thinking about him. 

    It only takes about half an hour for me to give in. Now I know how Akimiya must have felt, trying not to dream about Rika. I reach out to Tsuzuki with my empathy. I could always find him empathically, always. 

    He's hurting. I can feel him. It hurts him so badly to be with Muraki. He's afraid and in pain, and I can't help. 

    So I do the only thing I can think of; wrap an empathic embrace around him, surrounding his mind with mine. There's a flash of startlement as he recognizes my presence, a brief wave of disapproval -- he knows this is a bad idea just as well as I do -- but it's covered up by the outpouring of love and desperate need. 

    I stay there for God knows how long, basking in the warmth of Tsuzuki's mind, before I finally fall asleep. 

~~~~ 

_Right. I apologize for the overwhelming depressiveness of that chapter. Feedback?_


	11. Chapter Ten

_Hopefully posting this will put my story back on the Yami fic list here... no idea why it wouldn't be, but FFN apparently hates me this week._

Chapter Ten 

    It's like Akimiya says. Somehow I get through the night. The next day. The week. Every minute seems to drag out into an eternity, but I survive each eternity and emerge on the other side unscathed. At first I spend every spare moment I get with Tsuzuki in spirit, but it doesn't take long before I figure out that I can only keep that up for so long. The constant expenditure of energy, especially given the fact that I haven't been eating and barely been sleeping, is taking its toll. A far worse price, however, is the constant separation from my own body. Even when I'm not actively trying to be with him now, my consciousness drifts. Everything is disconnected, disjointed. I'm starting to wonder if I've actually lost myself beyond finding. 

    Especially when I consider that I'm not even sure whether or not it's this or the grief that's causing the disconnection. 

    There's really only one way to find out. "Akimiya?" 

    He glances up from the papers he's been shuffling through. We're between assignments, doing some cleanup from the last one. Rika took over Tsuzuki's job in the lab, which worked quite nicely. "What's up?" 

    "I-I have a favor to ask you." 

    He looks at me again, closer this time. "Yeah?" 

    "Can you stop taking Watari's potion for a few days? I'm testing a theory." 

    He does so without asking questions, for which I'm profoundly grateful. It helps, at least in that I'm not actively drawn towards Tsuzuki anymore, but the feeling of separation doesn't go away. I think I may have permanently severed my soul from my body, as bizarre as that sounds. 

    "Rika? Is Watari in?" 

    Rika gives me her wide-eyed innocent look, which I've learned really isn't as innocent as it seems. "Yeah, he's in his office. I don't think he's busy." 

    "Okay. Thanks." I knock on Watari's door, cringing. I don't think he can help, but I have to try, because I can't live like this. "Watari?" 

    "Hmmm?" He looks up as 003 flitters around his head. 

    "Can I talk to you for a sec?" 

    "Sure, c'mon in." He puts aside whatever he's futzing with and gives me a serious look. He is capable of being serious at times, despite all evidence to the contrary. "What's wrong?" 

    I try to find a way to phrase it, and can't. There's no real way I can put it without feeling like an idiot. "You know that I can use my empathy over long distances, right?" He nods, looking confused. "And . . . and I can always find Tsuzuki . . . so I have been." 

    He blinks for a minute, then looks fascinated. "You have?" 

    I nod miserably. "Aa . . . if I stretch out far enough I can feel his presence, and he can feel mine. I knew it was stupid, but I-I couldn't help it, and . . . and now I think I've been doing it too much, because I never feel here anymore. Everything gets all fuzzy." I spread my hands out in my lap, half-expecting to see my own legs beneath them. I feel that transparent, and desperately ashamed to have to admit what I was doing. 

    Watari taps a pencil against the desk for a minute. "It's probably temporary," he finally says. "I've seen it happen before with telepaths and empaths who've used their powers too often or too much. If you rest for a few days, don't do anything with it, you ought to recover." 

    "I thought of that, but . . ." I laugh shakily. "I'm not sure I trust myself." 

    "Well," Watari says reasonably, "ask to stay at Akimiya's for a few days and let him block your empathy. That'll do it as effectively as anything else would. And . . ." he pauses. "He'll understand, you know. He won't think less of you for it." 

    "I know." I swallow hard, my eyes burning. "Thanks." 

    For a minute he looks like he's going to say something else; some words of comfort or understanding, but he doesn't. I suppose he knows that they wouldn't mean anything, not really. 

    Akimiya understands, and accepts, and then tells me it works out well because we've got a mission anyway. "Think you can do it without your empathy?" he asks. 

    I manage a wan smile. "I did for six months before Watari made you that potion." 

    "True enough. Let's go see Tatsumi-san. Don't worry, I won't mention this to him." 

    He didn't have to say that, because I already knew it to be true, but it's comforting all the same. Tatsumi relates the details of the case to us in his normal, even tone. It isn't until almost the end that I realize he's left out something very important. "Ah, Tatsumi . . . where are we going?" 

    He blinked at me. "I forgot you didn't know; I told Sakamoto-san earlier. Tokyo. Ginza, to be precise." 

    Tokyo. The last known whereabouts of Tsuzuki and Muraki. This really couldn't be timed any worse. I let out a shaky breath. Both Tatsumi and Akimiya are watching me very closely. "Tatsumi, will you do me a favor?" 

    He nods slightly. 

    "Order me not to try to find him." I push my hair out of my face. "I know it's a bad idea, and I know I shouldn't, and at three o'clock in the morning 'should' won't mean a damn thing to me. Tell me I can't." 

    Tatsumi opens his mouth, probably to protest, at the very least tell me that it really isn't within the realm of authority, but then he stops. If nothing else can be said of Tatsumi, he's a remarkably perceptive man, and I suppose the look on my face probably gives away what I've been doing. It isn't as if I've been terribly with-it in the past few days anyway. "All right," he finally says. "You're not allowed to try to find Tsuzuki, or Muraki, and if you see either of them you must leave right away. Understood?" 

    He has a way of making even polite requests sound like orders, so all I can do is nod. 

~~~~ 

    Endless hours stretch into endless days. About a week passes, maybe more; maybe less. I've lost track of time, because that happens when every minute seems like an eternity. Everyone looks at me funny, now. I guess because they all know I'm never going to be the same. 

    The one way I could be with Tsuzuki was taken away, but maybe it's all for the best. Eventually Muraki would have sensed my presence, and he either would have punished Tsuzuki for disobeying him, or decided Tsuzuki had broken enough of his vow for Muraki to come after me. 

    Rika caught me repeatedly slicing my wrists the other day. She had come to our office looking for Akimiya, who was off somewhere on some errand or another. I'm not sure why I was doing it. I had just sliced it open and watched it heal, and the effect was sort of hypnotizing, so I kept doing it. Over and over again, hoping that eventually it would work. Eventually I'd keep bleeding and manage to die. 

    Making Tsuzuki's sacrifice pointless? Maybe. But does it really matter? He'll never know, and in any case, I don't think this can really be called living. And I can't just decide to hold on until Muraki dies; he's cheated death too often to be anything normal. He'll be around for a long, long time, and he'll never release his vow unless I can find a way to force him. 

    Yeah, right. 

    Fortunately, Rika agreed not to tell anyone. Though her definition of 'anyone' doesn't include Akimiya, but I knew it didn't. They're the only two people I don't mind letting see me be neurotic like this, so I don't really care. I mean, Rika can't talk. She spent seven months locked in her room in mourning. She isn't about to criticize me. 

    At the moment, I'm bored. I have absolutely nothing to do, and having absolutely nothing to do is never a good idea when you're monumentally depressed. I suppose I could try to figure out how to kill myself. Shinigami have died before, so there must be a way for it to happen. 

    I wander down to the library. The Gushoshin greet me at the door. "Looking for anything in particular, Hisoka-san?" Gushoshin Elder asks me. 

    Slight nod. "Trying to distract myself," I say, and gain looks of sympathy from both of them. "Do you have anything general? A history of the Shinigami or something?" That would include it, I'm fairly certain. "Maybe something on exactly what we are and how we work? Seems like something I should know." 

    One of them floats off into the stacks for a while and returns with quite possibly the thickest, dustiest book I've ever seen. "This ought to do it," it says cheerfully. I'm inclined to agree. That book is going to keep me distracted until my hair turns gray. I thank both of them and make my way back to the office. 

    Just as I had expected, there's a chapter on how Shinigami can die or be killed. It's a good thing that neither of the Gushoshin are suspicious by nature, or they probably would have realized why I wanted this book to begin with. 

    It's actually interesting stuff. Not so interesting that I actually manage to forget why I'm looking it up, but enough to minorly distract me. 

    The easiest way to kill a Shinigami, according to this, is something that will destroy the body utterly. That, most likely, is why Touda's fire is so lethal. It burns hot enough to consume everything in its path. 

    Drowning and suffocation don't work; Shinigami don't technically need oxygen. Neither does anything as simple as a gun or a knife, because we regenerate so quickly that it's impossible for that to kill us. Besides burning, decapitation is the other common method. Regeneration apparently doesn't include growing a new head. 

    In a way, Shinigami are a lot like vampires. Well, except for the sunlight and the stake through the heart bit. Never mind. I'm not making any sense anyway. 

    This isn't leaving me a hell of a lot of options, really. I just don't think there's any way I can chop off my own head, and I can't summon Touda (pardon me while I laugh in a corner at the image of me ever being that powerful) so I can't burn myself to death. 

    There's a note at the end of the chapter about how some Shinigami choose to retire, and basically, their bodies are dissolved and their spirits are sent on. That might work, if it weren't for the fact that Tatsumi would never let me do it and quite frankly, I'd be too terrified to try to see EnmaDaioh on my own. 

    So I'm stuck. I can feel tears of frustration rising and blink them back furiously. Resist the urge to throw the book across the room. I'd wind up damaging it and the last thing I need now are library fees. Though why not? It's not like I spend my money on anything while Tsuzuki's not around. It's not like it really matters. It's not like anything does. 

    I'm so absorbed in my self-pity and misery that I don't even notice when someone comes in and peers over my shoulder for a second, before reaching over to shut the book. "Whatever happened to not wasting Tsuzuki's sacrifice?" Tatsumi asks quietly. 

    I really wish I could think if a good comeback, but what falls out of my mouth instead is "Shut up." Way to go, eloquent me. 

    Tatsumi picks up the book and takes it away, which I consider pretty unfair of him. I mean, what the hell business is it of his if I want to die? It's not like Tsuzuki will ever find out. It's not like anyone here would miss me terribly. They'll probably all be glad that they won't have to listen to my whining anymore. 

    I stand up and redirect my glare at him. "Look, what business of yours is it?" My voice sounds really raw in my own ears. Maybe because I've barely been using it lately. "If I can't live without him, nobody should care except for me." 

    Tatsumi looks at me impassively, over the rims of his glasses. "I think Tsuzuki would probably care." 

    "Yeah, but he'll never find out, now will he," I ask, nearly sneering. I'm sneering at Tatsumi. I really must have a death wish. "He's off God knows where doing God knows what and living with Muraki of all fucking people and Muraki's probably . . ." My voice chokes and I make a grab for the book. 

    Tatsumi holds it out of my reach, putting one hand on my chest and giving me a sharp push backwards. "I've had just about enough of your self-pity," he says coolly. "You've never been particularly selfish, and it doesn't suit you." 

    I just gape at him. I can't even begin to think of what to say. 

    "I've been friends with Tsuzuki-san for seventy years," Tatsumi says sharply. "And I've loved him for almost as long. But you don't see me hiding in books and looking for ways to end my own existence." 

    "You . . . you don't know . . ." I'm almost crying now, but anger is holding the tears back. "You don't know how alone I've been . . ." 

    "Don't I?" Tatsumi asks quietly, and I try to remember the last time I saw him with anyone other than Tsuzuki that wasn't on official business. He doesn't even seem to have friends the way I do; he's universally respected and liked, but close to no one. The anger runs out of me like water and I sag so quickly that he has to catch me to keep me from falling. 

    "I'm sorry," I hear myself say into his chest. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." 

    For this first time in weeks, I want to cry. But I can't. I just feel numb. 

    Tatsumi helps me into a chair and gets me a glass of water. He says nothing. 

    "I . . . I never even stopped to think that someone else might be hurting," I say. My voice sounds like it's coming from thousands of miles away, spoken by somebody else who's going through this. "I was so wrapped up in myself . . . it didn't even occur to me." 

    "It's all right," Tatsumi says, but he sounds tired. "There's a distinct difference between the two of us. I'm coping. You're not." 

    "I don't know how." I stare down at my shirt, my fists clenching. "Even Akimiya couldn't tell me what to do, and he would know if anyone would. I just don't know what to do to make it stop hurting." 

    "I don't know either." Tatsumi glances around. "My own tactic of burying myself in my work doesn't seem to be doing so well." 

    I laugh. It sounds like I'm bordering on the edge of hysteria. Maybe I am. I just don't know anymore. I'm so tired I'm not even sure I'll be able to drag myself home. 

    "Go home and rest," Tatsumi says quietly. "There's nothing else to be done here today, for you, anyway. No more suicide attempts, all right?" 

    "Can't anyway," I say dully. "I can't summon Touda, don't know how to build a guillotine, and would never ask to resign and be sent on. I'm stuck here, whether I like it or not." 

    He nods, and I go. Home. Still smelling uniquely of Tsuzuki; it hasn't been long enough for that to fade. Fall into bed without another thought, and even manage to sleep, but I can't stop dreaming of him. 

~~~~ 

    I lose track of time. Try Tatsumi's expert advice and bury myself in work. If there are no assignments, I scrounge for something to do wherever I can. I even take it home with me if it's possible. I've managed to keep up the self-restraint necessary to not keep visiting Tsuzuki empathically, which is good. But I've stopped sleeping, which I don't think is as good, and eating. Akimiya keeps taking me out to lunch and inviting me over for dinner and trying to make me eat, but I'm never hungry. 

    I know that Shinigami can't starve to death, but starvation will have adverse affects the way it would on any human. Loss of weight, loss of energy, lack of concentration, chronic fatigue. Of course, those things are also caused by insomnia, which I've had plenty of trouble with too. 

    The last time I had this much trouble (read: was this depressed) was when I was trapped in my own nightmares all the time. My solution then was to basically do nothing but sleep; I lay around and wrapped myself in apathy. I totally lost track of reality. I think I might like to do that now, but it isn't working. When I lie in bed and try to sink into that noncaring, I can't. I keep seeing Tsuzuki's face. 

    _//come back to us, please, Hisoka, we all miss you very much . . .//_

    The last time I was dreaming . . . 

    _//we miss you very much . . .//_

    I couldn't escape . . . 

    _//I miss you . . .//_

    But this time it's him who's gone. 

~~~~ 

    It finally catches up to me. I wake up and I can't even manage to stand, because I'm just so tired. Even breathing is an effort that seems to take too much energy. I just lie there and stare at my ceiling, lacking even the motivation to reach over and turn my alarm clock off. I just let it keep beeping. I don't know why I ever bother to set it anymore. I'm never asleep when it goes off. 

    After what seems like forever, but apparently was only about forty-five minutes, of listening to it beep, I come to the inevitable conclusion that I'm never going to be able to muster up enough energy to go to work. I'm somehow not terribly surprised by this; I've been waiting for it to happen. Every day has been a little harder. I've nearly gotten myself killed three times on assignments, either through lack of concentration or because once I passed out while I was supposed to be fighting. Fortunately for me, Akimiya was able to rescue me, and agreed to not say anything about it. 

    After another ten minutes, I manage to get my arm to move. Shut off the alarm clock and pick up the phone. It takes three tries to dial the numbers correctly. My fingers don't want to bend correctly. Funny, that. I didn't know fatigue affected your fingers. 

    Tatsumi is already at the office, and comes readily enough when I ask for him. "What's wrong?" he greets me. No hellos for Tatsumi, of course not. 

    I have to swallow before I can speak, and even when I manage, my voice is hoarse. "I don't think I can come in today." 

    I can practically see him raising his eyebrows. "Why not?" 

    "I just can't. I'm . . . I'm so tired . . ." I'm starting to run out of energy to speak. How sad is that? Even my vocal chords don't want to obey me. I've been stripped of my last defense. 

    Tatsumi sighs slightly. "When was the last time you slept?" 

    "Catnap yesterday . . . about an hour during lunch. I don't know when before that. I try to sleep but it doesn't work." He better not blame that on me. I do try to sleep, honestly. I just can't. 

    "The last time you ate?" 

    "God, Tatsumi, I don't even remember." I'll admit that this is my fault. But I'm just never hungry, and too much food reminds me of Tsuzuki. 

    "All right. You deserve a break. Take a few days. In fact, if I see you in here before Thursday, I'm just sending you home again." 

    "Aa." Pause. "What day is it today?" 

    "It's Monday." 

    Frown. Process. "Have I been taking any days off?" 

    "Not that I've seen," he replies. 

    "Tatsumi . . .?" 

    "What?" 

    "How long has it been? I . . . I don't remember." 

    "It's been five weeks and three days," Tatsumi says, his voice oddly gentle. Five weeks? I've honestly survived without him for five weeks? I didn't think I would even last five days. Tatsumi could have told me anything and I would have believed him. I honestly had no idea. 

    "All right. I'll see you Thursday?" 

    "If you want. You can take longer if you need it." 

    "Aa." 

    For the first time in days, I sleep. I sleep still holding onto the phone, and it doesn't even wake me with its obnoxious beeping the way it usually will if it's been left off the hook. I sleep so soundly that I wake up in the same position, phone still clutched in one hand, with no concept of how long I've been asleep, but feeling two things. For one, I'm no longer exhausted. I can move, and the world feels clearer. Secondly, I'm ravenously hungry. 

    Stumbling out to the kitchen. There's almost no food in the kitchen and what there is has gone bad. Glance outside. It's dark, and the clock says nine; so I call Akimiya. He rises to the occasion, brings me over some really good Chinese food, insists on staying with me while I eat it, and tells me that it's Tuesday night. I slept clear through all day Monday and all day Tuesday. 

    I'm never going to sleep now, and I need something to do. I need a shower. God only knows the last time I took one. I emerge clean, and feeling slightly better. Hell, if I needed cleaning, maybe the house needs cleaning. 

    It does. It's developed into a sty while I was wandering around half-conscious all the time. I set to work picking up, dusting, cleaning the kitchen, doing whatever will take my mind off everything. 

    In a pile of dirty clothes, I feel something hard. Take it out. 

    Muraki's knife. In all the confusion, no one remembered that I had it. If they did, I'm sure Tatsumi would have seen that it was taken away from me. It's the one method of suicide that I might actually be able to use. Not that I would give Muraki the pleasure of seeing me dead by his own hand. 

    I wonder suddenly, if the knife could kill Shinigami, could it kill him? I have no idea how he's stayed alive all the times that he has, no idea of what he really is. But if the knife enacts a curse, it would stand to reason. 

    I stand there, staring at it. It's nearly two o'clock in the morning. All I can do is look at it, as an idea starts to tug at the corner of my mind. 

    It might . . . it could . . . it's possible . . . 

    I pull on my shoes, pocket the knife, and take off at a flat run. I reach Akimiya's at about twenty past two. He's the only one that might possibly help me. Tatsumi will think it's a bad idea because it's so risky; there are too many ways it could go wrong. But Akimiya might understand, and if all else fails, I'll be able to guilt trip him into helping me anyway. 

    I have to pound on his door for a good few minutes before he answers. He's wearing a hastily thrown on bathrobe, and I feel myself blush. "I didn't, uh, interrupt anything, did I?" 

    "Yeah," he says, yawning. "It's called sleep, and it's a habit that most of us normal people indulge in at night." But he stands back to let me in anyway. "What'd you need? Are you okay?" 

    "I'm okay," I say, and for the first time in weeks, it's true. "I found this while I was cleaning." I hold the knife out to him. 

    He looks at it with a distasteful expression, and then I can feel his sudden fear roll off him in waves. He meets my eyes. "What are you going to do?" 

    I put the knife back in my pocket. "I'm going to take back what's mine." 

~~~~ 

_Ta da! Cliffhanger! Feedback please?_


	12. Chapter Eleven

_Warnings: Angst, bloodshed, fluff, sap, and Tatsumi being a weirdo._

Chapter Eleven 

    Akimiya gives me a very long look, then raises an eyebrow at me. "I sure hope you have more of a plan than that," he says dryly. "Because if you intend on marching in there, stabbing Muraki, and hauling Tsuzuki out by his hair, I have some choice words for you." 

    "No, no," I say, waving my hands in the air. "I have a much better plan than that." 

    "All right. Sit down and tell me." 

    Akimiya ushers me into a chair and gets me a mug of tea. I proceed to tell him the plan that dawned on me, that I refined and revised on my way over to his house. He listens intently and doesn't interrupt. 

    "'Cause, see, if I just stabbed Muraki he'd just heal himself and it wouldn't matter," I remind him. "So I have to be more devious about this." 

    He sits in silence for a few minutes after I'm finished, tapping his fingers against the table. "I don't know Muraki like you do," he finally says. "Do you think it's going to work?" 

    "I think it will." Pause. "I think there's a good chance," I revise. 

    "And what if he calls your bluff?" Akimiya asks calmly. 

    I give him a little smile. "Whoever said I was bluffing?" 

    He just gives me a look. 

    "Sorry. Had to be said. If he calls the bluff, that's where you come in. I'll need your help to latch onto Tsuzuki and drag him back to the Meifu." 

    "You think he won't transport by himself?" Akimiya asks, surprised. 

    "I think that if Muraki doesn't release the vow, he can't," I correct. 

    "Ah, right." Akimiya nods slightly. "So we drag him back here and then figure it out from there?" 

    "Yeah." I nod, get up, and start pacing around the room. It's nearly three o'clock. "Anyway, you might need to help me transport him anyway. I'm not sure he'll be thinking too clearly." 

    "What a surprise," Akimiya says dryly. He gives me a curious look. "Why did you come to me? Tatsumi-san is more powerful. He would have helped." 

    "Give me a break," I say with a shrug. "Tatsumi wouldn't approve of this. If it fails, it might as well be suicide. And that's what it'll look like to him." 

    Akimiya considers this for a long minute. "Let's make sure we don't fail, then." 

    "Well, I was sort of planning on it." Roll my eyes. "Besides, I figured that if you didn't want to go along with it, I'd just remind you that it's technically all your fault." I wink to let him know I'm kidding. Sort of. "And then I'd appeal to your overdeveloped sense of conscience." 

    It's his turn to roll his eyes. "Oh, all right. Let me tell Rika-chan where I'm going, and then we'll go down to Chijou and get what we need. You want to do this tonight?" 

    "Hell yes." 

    "I figured." Akimiya walks out of the room. I'm practically twitching from anticipation. If this works . . . by dawn I'll have Tsuzuki back in my arms. And if it doesn't, well, I'll be dead and it won't matter. Either way, I'm better off than I am right now. 

    And as much pleasure as it would give me to slice Muraki from navel to nose, I'm not that stupid. He's survived enough that I don't think this will make much of a difference. 

    Akimiya comes back out. "You ready to go?" 

    I can only nod. 

~~~~ 

    For once, Muraki isn't expecting us. Of course, this doesn't mean that he doesn't wake up the instant I set foot in the door, but at least he wasn't waiting on the front step to deliver some of his charming morale-damaging comments. That might have messed me up a bit too much to attempt this. But no, he and Tsuzuki are both sound asleep when we get into the room. Of course, I have to kick open the door, which isn't the world's most subtle way of entrance. He's out of bed before I'm inside, and Tsuzuki is sitting up with the sheets pooled in his lap, looking confused. My heart thuds painfully in my chest. 

    "Didn't expect you to try anything," Muraki says coolly. I'm not sure the words register. I'm just staring at Tsuzuki. He's staring back with the faintest hint of hope in his eyes. He doesn't look hurt, but he's a Shinigami, so that doesn't mean anything. "What are you trying to accomplish?" 

    Akimiya is standing in the doorway as instructed, staying out of harm's way. The knife is in my pocket, a solid and reassuring presence. "Just a housecall," I say, somehow managing to keep my voice even. "You know, I would've brought a casserole, but I didn't have time to make it." 

    Tsuzuki climbs out of bed, looking hesitantly at Muraki as if awaiting his orders. Which he probably is. It makes my blood boil, the way he's cringing as if expecting to be hit. I hold out my hand to him. 

    He looks at it and shakes his head, his eyes darting to Muraki again. I leave my hand out. Muraki watches this all with a great deal of amusement. 

    Oh please. This is what it all hinges on. Well, this and a few dozen other things. 

    "Go on," Muraki finally says. "Let him have his delusion of hope." 

    Tsuzuki takes a few steps forward, not quite sure of what he's supposed to be doing. His hand closes on mine. 

    I pull, hard, spinning him around and getting my arm around his waist. Then, before either of them has realized what I'm doing, I yank the knife out of my pocket and hold it to Tsuzuki's throat. 

    There's a tiny little gasp from Tsuzuki. Nothing from Muraki. 

    "Well," I say pleasantly. "Now the fun part. Release him from his vow, or I'll kill him." 

    Muraki's face doesn't change. "You would never kill Tsuzuki-san." 

    "Oh no? Try me." I press the blade harder against his throat. Have to be very careful. Don't want to cut him accidentally. 

    Muraki just shrugs, and for a minute I think it's all gone to hell, that he's actually going to call my bluff. Then he stops. I'm not sure why, maybe it was the look in my eyes. God knows after this long without Tsuzuki, I'm more than a little bit crazy. 

    "I would rather die," I grind out between clenched teeth, "than let you have him. And I would rather see him dead on the floor for the same reason." 

    He doesn't buy it. Not yet. But he's starting to. Tsuzuki is holding himself perfectly still in my grasp, so I don't end up slitting his throat by accident. 

    "Release him. Now." 

    "And if I don't?" he asks casually. "You'll cut him. And then I'll heal him, and nothing will have changed." 

    "No," I say coldly. "I'll cut him, and then I'll drag him back to the Meifu with me, the one place where you can't get him. I'll strap him down and watch him die, if necessary. You don't get to have him. He's mine." 

    "His vow says differently." 

    I sneer at him. I improved my sneering quite a bit lately. "His vow means nothing. You extorted it out of him. It isn't worth anything." 

    "It keeps him with me." 

    "In body, yes. But no matter what he swore, you'll never have his heart, because that belongs to me. No vow he ever swears can give that to you, because it isn't his to give." 

    I can see the building fury in his eyes. I've touched a nerve, and he doesn't want it to show, but it does. Because I'm right. Tsuzuki will never be his, not even if I'm gone. 

    "It doesn't matter," he finally says with a shrug. "As long as he's with me." 

    "So you say," I reply quietly. "But it bothers you. I know that it does. I suppose it all comes down to which one of us really loves him, ne? You don't care about him at all, as long as he's yours. But I want his happiness more than anything else. If he loved you, if he was happy with you, I would let him go. But he's miserable, and so I won't. And I will kill him before I let you touch him again." 

    "Muraki . . ." Tsuzuki's voice wavers, then steadies. "He's serious . . . I can feel it . . ." 

    Because after so long not using my empathy, I've lost a little of my control. I must be projecting like crazy. Of course, I don't know what exactly it is that I'm projecting, but apparently it's enough. 

    Muraki hesitates. It's the first time I've ever seen him do it. The first time I've ever seen him without a concrete plan, without knowing what to do to best further his ends. The first time I've actually managed to take him off guard, in all the time I've known him. 

    The moment hangs in the air. No one breathes. 

    "I don't believe you," he finally says. 

    "I didn't expect you to," I reply, my voice even. "But can you afford the chance?" 

    Press the knife just a little bit harder. It's making a definite indent on Tsuzuki's throat now. Not quite enough to draw blood, but very close. All it would take was a tiny movement on my part, and Muraki knows it. 

    "You took everything from me." Tears are running down my cheeks now, and I don't care. "I thought I was finally safe from you when I knew that Tsuzuki loved me, but you even took that from me. I won't let it happen anymore. I'm sick of it. Maybe I'm not powerful enough to kill you, but you can't take him away from me. I won't let you. I would rather see both of us dead than him with you." 

    Silence. Tsuzuki can't even breathe, the knife is pressed so tightly to his throat. 

    Muraki smiles. 

    He actually God damned smiles. 

    "Well, who would have thought?" he finally asks. "You appear to have won this round. I don't know whether or not you're telling the truth, but you're right in that it's a chance I won't take. I release Tsuzuki from his vow. He's no longer mine." 

    I can hear Akimiya's audible sigh of relief. But we're not in the clear yet. The second that Tsuzuki releases his end, Muraki regains his ability to hurt me. And from the look in his eyes, he's planning on doing plenty of that. "Tsuzuki." I nudge him gently. "You have to say it, too." 

    "Oh . . . yeah." Tsuzuki takes in a shaky breath as I let up the pressure slightly. "I release Muraki from his vow." 

    Akimiya takes a step forward and puts his arms around my shoulders, and we all transport as one, just as Muraki starts toward us. 

    We thump to a heap in my living room. Now Tsuzuki's and mine again. I wonder briefly how we're going to get all his stuff. And whether or not he'll actually care. Only now am I realizing that he's only wearing boxers. He doesn't even have any clothes. Hm, that'll make it interesting at work tomorrow . . . 

    Tsuzuki scrambles away from me, and I can feel his fear radiating from him. Let's clear that up right quick. 

    "You . . . you were going to . . ." He puts a hand to his throat, his skin very pale. 

    I shake my head. I want to explain, but all the words are gone. Even after sleeping so long, I find that I'm still exhausted. 

    "No, he wasn't." Akimiya rescues me. He takes the knife from my limp hand. Tsuzuki lets out a cry of alarm as Akimiya slices his palm open, then an even louder cry of astonishment as the wound heals instantly. 

    He looks between the two of us, starting to understand. "It was a fake?" 

    Akimiya nods. "The knife was just an ordinary one, the kind you can buy at any weapon shop, and we did manage to find one open at three o'clock in the morning. We carved some similar symbols onto it. He never got close enough to inspect it, so it did the job." 

    Tsuzuki looks at us wonderingly. "Then you weren't going to kill me?" he asks timidly. Funny change from someone who tried to burn himself to death less than a year ago. 

    "Of course not!" The words burst out of me. "God, Tsuzuki, I could never hurt you . . . never ever . . ." I'm crying again. Or maybe I never stopped. I crawl into the relative protection of Tsuzuki's arms and bury my face in his shoulder. He hugs me so tightly that I can't breathe, but that's okay because I don't need to. 

    "You saved me," he says, his voice still holding a note of wonder. "You beat Muraki." 

    Now that he says it in such plain terms, I realize that he's right. I . . . beat Muraki. I faced him and came out on top. And not only did I do that, but I beat him at his own game. He's the master of manipulation . . . and I just manipulated him. I don't know whether I should laugh or cheer. I settle for a strangled version of both, clinging to him. 

    He hides his face in my hair. "Thank you," he whispers. "I had . . . almost given up hoping . . ." 

    I'm crying too hard to answer, and after a few seconds, so is he. So we just hold each other. 

    Akimiya's hand rests on my shoulder briefly and I look up. "I'm heading for home," he says. "I'll see you later, okay?" 

    I nod slightly. I'm not even supposed to go to work tomorrow. Tatsumi said he didn't want to see me before Thursday, and it's only Wednesday. Nearly five o'clock in the morning now. It took Akimiya and I a long time to find the knife shop, then a longer time to use my empathy to find Muraki and Tsuzuki. Thank God they hadn't left Tokyo, that's all I have to say. 

    "Come on," I say, once Akimiya leaves, and manage to get Tsuzuki to his feet. We stumble into the bedroom and collapse down onto the bed, still holding each other. I have this vague feeling that I'm not going to let him out of my sight for, oh, say, the next few decades. 

    "How did you think of it?" he asks, pulling me close and breathing through my hair. "To use the knife like that?" 

    "It just occurred to me," I reply. "At first I thought I would use it on him, just try to kill him, but I never would've managed it. He's too powerful." At Tsuzuki's murmur of assent, I continue. "But then I remembered Akimiya trying to kill me with it, and . . . I don't know. I just thought of it." 

    "I'm glad." 

    "No more glad than I am." 

    So many times, we've fallen asleep with Tsuzuki lying on his back and me cradled against his chest. But tonight it's the reverse. Tonight, for the first time in my existence, I challenged Muraki and won. And got the best prize in the world for it. 

~~~~ 

    I wake up with one question in my mind. Why the hell did I set the bloody alarm clock? The thing is beeping away and I'm lying here trying to bask in the glow of having Tsuzuki back with me. Beeping isn't conducive to basking. Worse yet, Tsuzuki is sitting up to turn it off. I wrap my arms around his waist and pull him back down. 

    He looks down at me and smiles. "I'll be back in a second," he says, kissing my forehead. "I have to call in sick. We'll catch a few more hours of sleep and then go see Tatsumi. He can get me transferred back." 

    I yawn. "Okay." Unfortunately, that's when the doorbell rings. We blink at each other, then I get up and answer it. I fell asleep fully clothed, so I'm in a much better position than Tsuzuki, who's still in his boxers. 

    Akimiya is on the front doorstep, looking far more awake than I would have thought possible, given that I know he didn't get much more sleep than me. "Ohayo," he says. "I thought you might want to borrow these." He holds out a small bundle, which contains, from the look of it, a white button down shirt and black pants. Ah, that makes sense. Akimiya is much closer to Tsuzuki's size than I am. 

    "Thanks," I say. "We'll probably be in around lunchtime. I need more sleep." 

    He smiles. "Well, I won't steal your thunder. You can tell Tatsumi-san all about it yourself." 

    "Yeah, thanks." I fully plan on letting Tsuzuki, in any case. 

    "See you later, then," Akimiya says, and leaves. I wander back into the bedroom. Tsuzuki has already crawled back underneath the blankets. 

    "Akimiya brought you some clothes," I say. "To wear to work. What do you want to do about your stuff?" 

    He shrugs. "I didn't bring anything I especially cared about," he replies. "Didn't want Muraki getting his hands on any of it. Anything that was actually important to me, I left with Tatsumi. He'll still have it." He holds out his arms to me. 

    I don't need further encouragement. I get back into bed and snuggle up to him. He rests his head in the hollow of my shoulder, his arm around my waist. I fall back asleep just as his lips feather over my neck. 

    When I wake up again, it's late morning, and Tsuzuki is awake. I know he is without opening my eyes, because I can feel his fingers combing through my hair gently. Now that I'm no longer so exhausted, I can feel the elation starting to bubble over, and I literally want to dance for joy. I settle for wrapping my arms around Tsuzuki and holding him as tightly as I can. 

    He hugs me back, and then kisses me, and we stay that way for a long time. Nothing is said, because no words are needed. 

~~~~ 

    There's a general, if somewhat predictable, outcry when Tsuzuki and I walk in. People are mobbing him, demanding to know what's going on. No one asks if he's back to stay. The huge grin on my face gives that one away. 

    Tatsumi emerges from his office, presumably to see what all the fuss is about, and does a double take when he sees Tsuzuki. He walks over and raises an eyebrow at us. 

    "Ohayo, Tatsumi," Tsuzuki says with a smile, and then sums up the situation as simply as possible in words that make me blush a bright red. "Hisoka rescued me." 

    I stand there and wait for the barrage of questioning that's about to start. Tatsumi gives me a long look, then Tsuzuki, then me again. Then he draws Tsuzuki into a very tight hug and says nothing. 

    There's a moment of shocked silence at this, after which we all clearly hear Wakaba giggling. Then everyone hears me giggling. I try to stifle it, but can't help it. Tatsumi lets Tsuzuki go and gives us all a glare of death, then says, "Aren't you all supposed to be working?" 

    "Yes," Watari says, "but we want the story." Ah, Watari, probably the only one of us here who would dare Tatsumi's wrath. His genki genes make him immune. 

    Tatsumi continues to glare. "I'm going to go speak with Tsuzuki," he says. "I expect all of you to return to your work." 

    Tsuzuki snickers a little, but follows Tatsumi into his office. Everyone immediately pounces on me, demanding an explanation. I sum up the night's events in pretty vague terms, which is good enough for them, and also causes all of them to tackle Akimiya. He's been sitting on one of the desks, watching the fuss with amusement. Everyone begins demanding why he didn't see fit to tell them earlier. 

    It's a little while before Tatsumi's door opens. Everyone scurries back to their respective offices. Tatsumi beckons Akimiya and I over. "I need to speak to you for a minute," he said. Tsuzuki squeezes my hand and then heads for the donuts and coffee left out from the morning. 

    Tatsumi lets us in and shuts the door. "As glad as I am that Tsuzuki-san's back," he says, "I'd like to know what the hell you thought you were doing, Kurosaki-kun." 

    I nearly groan. Of course Tatsumi would choose to get irritated. 

    "You risked Tsuzuki-san's life," Tatsumi says steadily, "and you did it specifically against orders, too." 

    Dah. I'd forgotten that stupid order not to go find him. 

    "What do you have to say for yourself?" 

    My answer is immediate. "That I did it to save the man I love and I'm not sorry and I'd do it again in an instant." 

    Tatsumi looks questioningly at Akimiya. His voice is quieter, but no less resolute. "That I did it to help Hisoka after the terrible wrong I did him, I'm not sorry, and I'd do it again in an instant." 

    Remind me to speak to him later about his guilt complex. Sheesh. 

    Tatsumi gives us both a long look. "I see," he finally says. "Well, on the matter of the consequences . . ." 

    Oh geez. 

    "I think you both deserve a week's worth of vacation." 

    We gape at him. 

    Tatsumi does something I've never seen him do before: he starts to laugh. Not just snickering, either. Real laughter. "You didn't actually think I was mad, did you?" 

    Wow. I think getting Tsuzuki home has fried Tatsumi's brain. He's acting playful. 

    "Sorry," Tatsumi says, regaining control over himself. "I couldn't resist that. You two looked so terrified . . ." He goes off into another fit of snickers. Akimiya and I are still just staring at him. 

    "Tatsumi . . . you jerk," I finally manage. "That wasn't fair. At all." 

    "I know," he says. "But I just had to see the looks on your faces." He coughs slightly, now back to scary-accountant mode. "In any case, yes, you two both have the next week off, as does Tsuzuki-san. I'm putting his transfer back to this department through today, so he'll be back with us by the time his vacation is over." 

    I nod. Smile. Can't stop smiling, really. 

    "And now, I'm taking Tsuzuki-san out to lunch, and you two may do as you will." 

    "You're leaving the office in the middle of a workday?" I ask, amused. "Wow, Tatsumi, you really are glad to see him back." 

    "You want that vacation or not?" he asks. 

    "Oh, I want it." Truth told, I'm a little anxious about letting Tsuzuki out of my sight, but he couldn't be with anyone safer than Tatsumi. And I know he missed Tatsumi almost as much as he missed me, so I'll deal with it. 

    The three of us wander back out into the main office. I give Tsuzuki a hug and see him off with Tatsumi, which of course gets the entire office gaping at the fact that Tatsumi is going out to lunch rather than eating in his office while poring over paperwork. Or at least just eating in the staffroom like a respectable curmudgeon. 

    Akimiya looks at me. "Want to go find some lunch?" he asks. "I guess I have the rest of the day off." 

    "Sure," I say. 

~~~~ 

_Ta da! One more chapter left, and that's all. Feedback please?_


	13. Chapter Twelve

_Well, here it is. The last gasp. There may be a sequel, if I think up a plot. I've got a few good ideas.... ::winks:: _

Chapter Twelve 

    Akimiya and I settle into the cafe that we spend a great deal of our lunch breaks in. The food is good and inexpensive, and we get really good service because we leave generous tips. On the whole, it's probably my favorite restaurant, but they don't have a dessert selection wide enough for Tsuzuki's taste. 

    "Man, Muraki's really gonna be out for my blood this time," I say with a sigh. "But since he's already determined to kill me, I guess it can't really get worse." 

    Akimiya nodded slightly. "We've just got to find a way to kill that man," he says darkly. 

    "It's been tried. He's notoriously hard to kill, believe me." 

    "I do believe you. If he wasn't, he'd be dead by now." 

    "Precisely." There's a brief pause while Akimiya and I order our food. We chat amiably for a while -- he has to tell me some of the things that have been going on recently, because the last five weeks are a total blur in my memory. I wonder if I should feel pathetic because I can't function without Tsuzuki. Maybe. But I don't. 

    "So," I say, after our food arrives, "are you going to forgive yourself now?" 

    He pauses, turns pink. "I suppose I should try, shouldn't I." 

    "There was no harm done in the long run." 

    "Except for five weeks of misery." 

    "You know," I say slowly, "a friend once told me . . . that you should always forgive, because you can't judge people's true motivations." I don't know if he remembers saying that to me, but he apparently does, because he gives me a sharp look. "Akimiya, you did it because you love her that much. If I can forgive you for that, why can't you forgive yourself?" 

    "It's just hard," he says quietly. "Knowing that I caused everyone that much pain." 

    "Akimiya, I would have done anything to get Tsuzuki back. Anything. And I won't deny it." I meet his eyes and hold his gaze. "I would have killed you, I think. So don't go thinking that I'm any better than you." 

    "I know," he says quietly. "And maybe I would've deserved it." 

    I shrug. "It all depends on how you think about it, really. Maybe you would've. I don't know. But you have to stop torturing yourself like this, Akimiya, because it's silly. Everything's okay now. And . . . I forgave you even before it was okay again." 

    "I know," he repeats. 

    "Look, just think about it this way," I say. "You helped me get him back, when no one else would've gone along with my plan. Surely that absolves your guilt." 

    "I hope so." Akimiya's apparently tired of hearing about it, because he deftly changes the subject. "Ah, I have something for you." He pulls a small lavender envelope out of his pocket. "I was handing them out this morning. I didn't want to . . . before . . . because of you and Tsuzuki. I didn't think it would be appropriate. I kept waiting, hoping that everything would clear itself up." 

    I open the envelope. It's an invitation to his and Rika's wedding, of course. For one week from today. 

    "How long were you going to wait?" I ask slowly, examining the curly script. 

    "I don't know," he says thoughtfully. "I guess I would have waited until you were okay. Because I wouldn't have wanted to do it without you there." 

    I still just look at the invitation, pondering. 

    "You know," he says hesitantly, "even before . . . in the wedding we had already planned . . . we hadn't picked a best man yet." He smiled slightly. "Rika wanted a Western-style wedding; she was always fond of big ceremonies and stuff. And, well, I thought maybe you could do it." 

    Surprisingly, I think I feel tears pricking at my eyes. "I'd be honored," I say, and quickly blink them back. 

    "Good." He smiles again. "I'll let Rika know." 

    There's a brief pause. 

    "You know," Akimiya finally says, "They'll probably put Tsuzuki back on field duty now." 

    It takes me off guard when he says it, but he's right. Tsuzuki's ready. There's no reason to hold him back any longer; he chafes from the inactivity of sitting around the office all the time. "But he won't have a -- oh." Akimiya is just looking at me. 

    He sighs slightly. "Yeah." 

    I'm in a bind here. I want to be Tsuzuki's partner because I want to be there for him if he needs me, but I also like being Akimiya's partner. And I know that when you have all eternity ahead of you like Tsuzuki and I do, it's probably not a good idea to spend every waking and sleeping minute of your time together. But Tsuzuki traditionally has trouble finding partners; he went through quite a few before he met me. Akimiya, however, has very little jitsu, so to get a new, untrained partner could be very bad for him. "I don't know what to do," I finally admit, and give Akimiya all the reasons I was thinking. 

    He looks relieved. "Thanks," he says. 

    "For what?" 

    "Well . . ." He twists his napkin between his hands. "I was sure that you'd just go back to him without even thinking about me." 

    "Akimiya," I say confidently, "you're a dork." 

    He laughs. 

~~~~ 

    After lunch, Tsuzuki is carried off by Watari and a few of the others to 'have a good time.' I don't think I even want to know what Watari has planned for him. I'd think Tatsumi would lecture them, given that they're all supposed to be working, but he's in such a good mood that it apparently doesn't even occur to him. 

    As for me, I go home, and put all of my energy into finishing the housecleaning. I do some shopping and bake some brownies for when Tsuzuki gets home. Then I start to throw some things together for dinner. I don't really feel like cooking. After all that, I'm ready for a nap. I'm beginning to wonder when I'll ever recover from those two weeks I spent without sleeping. 

    I wake up to a backrub, eerily reminiscent of the mission before this whole mess started. Damn, Tsuzuki is good at these. It's like he has radar on his fingertips that can find each ache. "Thank you for the brownies," he says, after a minute. 

    "Welcome." I'm still sleepy. The backrub is only making me more so. "I missed this." 

    His hands still for a second, and I can almost see him smiling. "I know." 

    "I missed everything about you. I missed your backrubs and your smile, and the way your eyes light up when you're happy, and your cookies and even the crumbs you left in bed, and I missed your bad cooking and your laugh and your voice." I sigh softly into the pillow. 

    "I missed you too." He leans down and kisses the back of my neck. "I missed your blush and your eyes, and the way you say my name and the way you hold me, and I missed your stubbornness and the way you persist on wearing bright orange even though I keep telling you it clashes with your eyes." 

    I laugh. "Jerk." 

    "It does!" 

    "This from the man who wears the same suit every day." I roll over and pull him down for a kiss. A nice, long, involved kiss. "Now let's eat dinner." 

    He sits up and looks at me thoughtfully. "I couldn't think of anything but you." 

    I reach out and touch his cheek gently. "I know the feeling." 

    Tsuzuki looks away. "He didn't like that much. He said, because of what I swore . . . that I had to forget about you. But I couldn't. I didn't know how." 

    "It's okay." I draw him into a hug. I don't know what else I can say to him. "It's okay." 

    "It wasn't," he says into my shoulder. "It wasn't okay at all. Not then. Not when he . . ." His whole body shudders in my arms. I have to fight back a wave of fury and the urge to go hunting for Muraki's head on a silver platter. I've been putting off thinking about what Muraki must have done to him. Apparently I can't put it off any longer. 

    "Shhh," I manage, though my heart aches. "It's okay now. I won't let him hurt you again." 

    "You did the right thing, though," he says quietly. "Don't ever let anyone tell you that you didn't. I would have rather you killed me than been sentenced to eternity with him." 

    "I know." Just as I would have rather us both been dead than been sentenced to eternity without Tsuzuki. I don't say anything else, because there's really nothing else I can say. There's nothing I can do that would take away the last five weeks -- not for either of us. So we just stay like that, holding each other. 

    "Come on," I finally say, "if you eat dinner, you can have those brownies." 

    He smiles and stands. "You know, Muraki seemed to think that he'd get me on his good side if he just showered me with sweets." 

    I pause. "Well, if you don't want the brownies . . ." 

    "Are you kidding?" he asks, and bounds into the kitchen. 

~~~~ 

    Tsuzuki doesn't sleep well. I'm tired, but I don't dare sleep beside him because I'm afraid of his dreams. Even with all Akimiya taught me, I don't think I could keep my cool if I saw firsthand what Muraki had been doing to him in these past few weeks. And if I don't keep my cool, I can't pull myself out of the dream. 

    But I don't want to let him go, so I stay awake, holding him in his sleep. Even asleep, he's still clinging to me. I finally have to wake him, though; the nightmare is getting too bad to let him sleep through it. 

    He cries, not a lot, but enough that I cry too. "I'm sorry," I say, when he's done. "I'm so sorry that I didn't get there sooner." 

    "You did the best you could," he murmurs. 

    "Sometimes that doesn't feel like enough." 

    "I know." 

    I lie back down and he curls up in our new favorite position, with his head on my chest. I wrap my arms around him. "Do you want to talk?" 

    He nods slightly, his hair tickling the bare skin of my neck. "You know . . . until you got there, I had never really even considered the possibility that Muraki might actually love me." 

    "I don't think he does." 

    "I don't know," Tsuzuki says thoughtfully. "Maybe not. But maybe he's so twisted that how he feels about me is the closest he can ever come." 

    "Maybe." Muraki is certainly twisted; I'll give the theory that much. 

    "But it's funny . . . even knowing that, I still hate him." 

    I can't help but laughing slightly at that. "I hate him too." 

    "He just doesn't . . . understand . . . I don't know. He doesn't understand anything, it seems like. But it's what you said. He cares more about whether or not he has me than whether or not I'm happy." 

    "Yeah." 

    We lie there in silence for a few minutes. 

    "I love you," he says. 

    "I know. I love you too." I kiss the top of his head. Please, please, never let me have to spend time away from him again. 

    "Muraki . . . he . . ." Tsuzuki's voice trails off. I know what he's going to say, and I know how hard it's going to be for him to say it. "He wasn't gentle," he finally says. "But I think, sometimes . . . he was trying to be." 

    I frown slightly. "You mean . . ." 

    "In bed." The words come out slowly, strained. "I thought sometimes . . . he wanted me to enjoy myself. And sometimes . . . it did feel good." 

    "You liked it?" My voice is incredulous. I can't help it. 

    "I hated it," he says flatly. "I hated every minute of it, and hated myself for reacting to it. But . . . the body is stupid. I've come to that conclusion. It disconnects from the mind, so all it's aware of is the physical. And no matter how much I hated Muraki . . . it kept insisting that it was good." 

    I'm not quite sure where he's going with this, so I don't reply, and just brush my hands through his hair. 

    "He used that," he says softly. "He used it against me, to try to make me believe that I had liked it . . . deeper than the physical, I mean. It didn't matter to him that I cried afterwards. If he could make me . . ." His voice falters, and he skips over the word, but I know what he means. "Then he thought that was all that mattered." 

    "God." I feel vaguely sick. But mostly I just want to go find Muraki and kill him. 

    He's silent for a long minute, which makes me feel terribly inadequate, like there's something I should be saying, some words that will help him with this. But no matter how hard I try, I can't think of a damned thing. 

    "I guess . . ." Tsuzuki sighs against my chest. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that . . . that if you're ready . . . I want to be with you. I want to be able to feel good without hating it, without feeling ashamed of it. And I want that for you, too." 

    I blush reflexively. In truth, I think I've been ready for a while, but the last thing I wanted to do was push him. I knew -- intellectually, at least -- that sex is good, and even without knowing that, the little we've done certainly hinted at it. 

    He takes my moment of silence as uncertainty, which I suppose it is. "Muraki . . . tried to tell me that even if I got away from him, you wouldn't want me anymore. Not after he . . . after what he'd done. He called me . . . tainted." 

    "You know that's not true, right?" I ask softly. 

    "I know," he says. "I knew then. He got awfully angry when I told him he was wrong." 

    "I'm not surprised." I breathe in the scent of Tsuzuki's hair. "I want whatever you want, Tsuzuki . . . and if this is what you want, I'm ready. I have been for a while." 

    Tsuzuki doesn't reply. He just kisses me. 

~~~~ 

    Well, I always said that when Tsuzuki and I finally managed to . . . uh . . . you know . . . that we'd have to get a week off because we'd be too euphoric to do anything. So I guess it was extremely well timed that we managed it right at the beginning of our week long vacation. 

    Suffice it to say, we did not spend much time outside the bedroom in that week. 

    Oh, we went out to lunch with Akimiya on occasion and we spent some time with Tatsumi, but we were here quite a lot. It's funny, looking back now, to think that I was ever afraid of it. I mean, I haven't turned into a nympho or anything like that, but it's . . . it's beautiful, really. That's the only word I can think of for it. Well, besides something along the lines of 'dear God'. But . . . to be one with the person that you really love . . . it's . . . all right, I can't think of a word, but whatever it is, I like it. So shut up. 

    And we talk a lot, maybe more than we've ever talked before. About everything and anything under the sun. Slowly, and very slowly, we both tell the stories of what happened to us during the five weeks we were apart. His is more painful than mine, and comes out so slowly that it's nearly agonizing for both of us. It makes me feel like a real wimp, to know that even though I was so lost without him, at least I was still among my friends. I still had comfort to accept, even if I couldn't accept it. 

    He tells me some, though not all, of what Muraki did to him. None of it surprises me, though most of it sickens me. I keep thinking that there must be some way to kill him. There must be. 

    Surprisingly, though, he doesn't seem to think I'm a wimp for how I spent my time. He says the fact that I managed to keep working is pretty surprising, and that he's proud of me for it. And that he's proud that I never did actually try to kill myself, no matter how close I came. 

    It's strange, the things he'd proud of me for. 

    For one thing, he said I was proud that I never got upset and wrecked the house. When I asked him about it, he turned slightly red and muttered something about Muraki being annoyed at having to buy a roomful of new furniture. Somehow I'm not surprised. 

    It's going to be tough now; I know that Muraki is going to be out for my blood in such a major way that it isn't even funny. I think . . . that I believe we can survive through anything now, but I'm terrified that he'll take Tsuzuki away from me again. 

    "Tsuzuki," I say. It's the second to last night of our vacation. Akimiya's wedding is tomorrow. I must admit I'm a bit nervous. I've never been a best man before. 

    "Hmm?" Tsuzuki rolls over to face me. We're lying in bed together, and it's been quiet. I thought he was asleep for a while, but you can't fool an empath. 

    "I don't want to lose you again," I say softly. 

    "I know." He reaches over and runs his fingers through my hair. "Muraki never tries the same trick twice, you know that." 

    "I know, but . . ." I want to ask him, and can't. I'm scared. I'm afraid that he'll say no. 

    "But?" he prompts. 

    "I want you to be mine," I find myself blurting out, to my extreme horror. "The way . . . the way you were his. I want to be sure that he can't take you away from me again. Please . . ." 

    He gives me a long look, his eyes unreadable. "Okay," he finally says. 

    "Okay?" I ask timidly. 

    He smiles. "Yeah. Okay." He gets out of bed, and I'm forced to follow him into the kitchen. He pulls a knife out of the drawer and makes sure it's sharp; it takes him a few tries to find one that is. "We'll have to do it quickly," he says. 

    So the wounds don't close. I nod and hold out my palm. He runs the knife across it, and I press my thumb into the wound to keep it from closing too soon. He cuts his own palm, then presses it against mine. 

    "I swear, by my blood, I am yours," he says. He seems very calm about this, like it isn't a life-changing decision. "Body and soul, forever and always." 

    My voice, meanwhile, is shaking like a leaf. Great. At least no one else is here, except Tsuzuki. "I swear, by my blood, I am yours," I echo. "Body and soul, forever and always." 

    He takes away his palms, and the wounds heal instantly. 

    "Better?" he asks. 

    I nod, feeling even better than I did previously, which is pretty impressive. "Aa," I say, and hug him. "Much." 

~~~~ 

    Akimiya's wedding is sweet and nice and cute. He hates me for calling him cute, but he really was. I mean, after all the moping he's been doing, to see him all polished up in a tuxedo and glowing like there's no tomorrow, it's adorable. Rika is beautiful, she really is, which is kind of funny because she's not really a beautiful woman. I mean, yes, she's pretty (from the point of one who doesn't really notice), but not beautiful. But today she is. 

    The wedding is simple, and I, well, do my best man thing. Which consists mostly of looking solemn, which I'm pretty good at. Though it's hard not to giggle because I can see Tsuzuki in the audience. And I can just tell that he's wondering when this boring ceremony will be over so he can go have some of the cake. 

    Which is very good. And so is the champagne, but I don't drink much. I think I've sworn off alcohol. 

    There's dancing. Akimiya and Rika get the first dance, of course, while everyone stands around and remarks on how cute they are. Then Akimiya drags me forcibly out with Tsuzuki and tells us that it's his wedding and we're going to dance, God damn it, and so on, and so forth. 

    "But I can't dance," I protest helplessly. 

    "It's easy," he said. "I'll put on a slow song, at which point you hold each other and sway. And sort of shuffle your feet around." 

    Despite my intial terror, dancing to a slow song really does seem easy. And sort of fun. I mean, the swaying is. With Tsuzuki holding me, which is always fun. After that, everyone gets up to dance (except Tatsumi, who is far too dignified). Even the Gushoshin are floating around in a sort of rhythmic manner. 

    Okay. Something must be done about this. 

    I take Tsuzuki's hand and tilt my head towards Tatsumi. His eyes gleam suddenly, and I know he's thinking exactly what I am. He bounds over to Tatsumi. I can't hear them from here, but Tsuzuki is tugging on his hands and trying to get him to his feet. Tatusmi is protesting adamantly. Apparently he doesn't dance either. 

    Unfortunately for him, Tsuzuki's enthusiasm beats all comers, and Tatsumi is dragged out onto the floor. They're so cute. Wakaba is taking pictures. Oh, I can see this coming back to haunt us. Or Tatsumi. I dunno, but someone is going to end up regretting this. The thought makes me giggle. 

    Everyone dances with everyone, and I have a feeling that no one is going to be on time to work tomorrow. (Akimiya was given another week off for his honeymoon and all.) Not even Tatsumi. Tsuzuki keeps plying him with champagne. It's really funny. I mean, you try picturing Tatsumi drunk. Isn't it funny? 

    It's near the very end when Tsuzuki nods at me, and I use the age-old trick of clinking my glass to get everyone's attention. I think I know why Tsuzuki was getting Tatsumi drunk. Once I have everyone looking at me, I propose the last of what have been many toasts to Akimiya and his new bride. I'm wondering exactly how Tsuzuki talked me into being the one who was going to announce this. Why me? I really need to start paying attention to myself. 

    "Uhm, and I have a little announcement to make, now that everyone's good and tipsy," I say brightly. (You think Tatsumi is a fun drunk? Try the Gushoshin.) "We thought it would be appropriate if we announced it at the wedding, so, um, Tsuzuki and I are kinda sorta um doing the same thing." My voice trails off into mumbles. Everyone yells at me to speak up. "We're getting married, for Chrissake!" 

    Shocked silence greets this statement, before everyone bursts into cheers and clapping. The wedding would just be a formality, after what we did last night; it means little compared to the blood bind. But . . . I like it this way. Though I'm way too young to be married, but that's not the point at all. I mean . . . it's Tsuzuki. 

    Tatsumi actually hugs Tsuzuki (I chalk that up to too much champagne) and Akimiya is practically falling all over himself with glee. Of course, he's stone drunk, so who can blame him? 

    We manage to get home, somehow. I'm the only totally sober one there, and Tsuzuki is only slightly tipsy. (He doesn't need alcohol anyway.) So we end up seeing almost everyone home, which is pretty funny. And finally we get home, and collapse into bed. 

    "Everyone was funny when you told them," Tsuzuki mumbles, and then he's asleep, his arm wrapped around my waist. 

    And I'm amazed how little the past five weeks matter. We got through them, and we're together again, and that's the only thing that I can think about. Well, that and spending the rest of eternity with him. Boring? Maybe. But you know, 'may you have an interesting life' is actually a curse. I think I'm quite content with boredom, thank you very much. 

~finis~ 

_Hope you all enjoyed the fun. ^^_


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